posted
I am interest to know if anyone thinks this interesting
Kathleen Romano poked at the streamed carrot on her plate. Her stomach that growled five minutes ago somersaulted as she listened to her twin brother’s banter while they stuffed their pudgy faces. “Roast Beef on Saturday, go!” Eric scratched his chin with his gravy soaked finger while he chewed. “Got it. The green bean casserole in that meal was served with ham rolls three Thursdays ago, which was for dinner last Wednesday with honey biscuits, which went well with the corn-on-the-cob that dad made with the barbeque on Sunday, and he made them with the barbeque the Saturday before with the bratwursts, which were delicious as they were when we had them with the scalloped potatoes on Friday, which were served with
posted
Kathleen Romano poked at the streamed[[steamed?]] carrot on her plate. Her stomach that growled five minutes ago somersaulted as she listened to her twin brother’s banter while [b]they stuffed their pudgy faces.[b][[POV]] “Roast Beef on Saturday, go!” Eric scratched his chin with his gravy soaked finger while he chewed. “Got it. The green bean casserole in that meal was served with ham rolls three Thursdays ago, which was for dinner last Wednesday with honey biscuits, which went well with the corn-on-the-cob that dad made with the barbeque on Sunday, and he made them with the barbeque the Saturday before with the bratwursts, which were delicious as they were when we had them with the scalloped potatoes on Friday, which were served with
*Yawn* Not really...Sorry Snapper. This is the first thing of yours I have read which didn't really interest me.
posted
Ok, I see you point on POV. I thought she was refering to her own pudgy face.I am sure if I read on I would find something worthwhile. There just wasn't much speculative or conflict to the intro.
Good to hear from you to. And , yes the elves are always bugging the hell out of me
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 22, 2009).]
posted
I agree with Bent Tree. All the different food types just blur together for me after the first couple, then I started skimming to see if anything was going to happen.
This sentence bothered me: "Her stomach that growled five minutes ago somersaulted"
Is the fact that it growled 5 min. ago important?
You'd need to throw in an element that wasn't food related for me to read on.
I'd agree with Alliedfive about the "five minutes...", that's struck me as a unusually clumsy sentence from you.
The bacon/horror/humor thing doesn't have to happen in the 1st 13 does it? if not, I'd fall back on the stock advice of looking at where your protag's life changes and starting a fraction beforehand. The meal itself seems too far before and it's very hook-less for you.
Other minor nits. Would your protag think of herself as Kathleen Romano rather than just Kathleen? With the stuffing of pudgy faces, isn't it while he stuffs his face (unless there's more than one twin brother, which doesn't seem to be the case). From her POV, I'm not sure she's conflate the sight with her own pudgy face.
posted
I don't mean to be harsh, but watching people other people eat is pretty dull. Eric's run-on sentence establishes character and is faintly amusing, but in general, I'm waiting for a reason to read this story.
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posted
Harshness is always welcome. After all, if I'm willing to give, I better be willing to get.
Other than the lack of a solid hook, it appears all the complaints are based on this sentence.
quote:Her stomach that growled five minutes ago somersaulted as she listened to her twin brother’s banter while they stuffed their pudgy faces.
I believe a comma after five minutes ago solves the first issue. The second is no one is clear that Kathy has twin brother's, Eric is not her twin. I thought the plural on brother's made that clear.
I am wrong?
The title is one of those double meaning ones that I aim for. Anyone ever hear of the 7 degrees of separation game involving Kevin Bacon?
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 24, 2009).]
Regardless of the comma, I think it's trying to stuff too many unrelated ideas (stomach growling, somersaulted as she listens to them bantering, stuffing pudgy faces) into the one sentence.
I'm probably going to look really stupid here, but I think to indicate plural possessives, it should be brothers'. The position of the apostrophe is why everyone thinks there is only one brother.
How about: Her stomach somersaulted as she listened to her twin brothers' banter and watched them stuff their pudgy faces.
Nope, never heard of that game.
“Roast Beef on Saturday, go!” should be tagged or attributed, IMHO. I don't know who said it, and its a chance to introduce the other brother (who probably said it).
The run-on sentence describing food could be reduced to three items; stop after the biscuits. Its overdone. Or save it till later, when I'm more engaged.
I don't know enough about Kathleen to feel sympathetic yet, and the twins are repugnant. You lost me.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 24, 2009).]
posted
I think the plural confusion is coming from there being two of them, and the fact that they are twins. Too much plurality in the same thought.
How about something like:
Kathleen Romano poked at the streamed carrot on her plate. Where five minutes ago her stomach merely growled, now it somersaulted as she listened to her two brothers banter while they stuffed their pudgy faces.
Then introduce the "twin" factor separately, maybe in the next sentence or paragraph.
... hmmmm... reading back, I don't know that this is a whole lot better. It solves the problem I suppose, but I can't figure how to introduce the "twinn-ness" into the brothers. Something about gravy dripping from identical chins, identical lips sucking potatoes off of identical fingers....
Yeah, I second Mrs. Brown sentiments though. No attachment to Kathleen, and general repulsion of the twins. If it was clean enough technically you might win a second or third page out of an editor, but I'd be worried about getting to the point sooner rather than later.
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited September 24, 2009).]
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For 7 Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon, you try to think of people you know who know people who know other people who know people who have connections with Kevin Bacon. Each person in the "chain" counts as one degree of separation, and you try to do it with as few people as possible.
Since he filmed FOOTLOOSE in Lehi, Utah, there are lots of people through whom I can probably trace 7 or fewer degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon.
It's basically a "see how small the world really is" kind of parlor game.
posted
I've always heard it refered to as "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon" or some witty (or not so witty) pun on that title.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009
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It is "six degrees", based on Stanley Millgram's old experiments about social connectedness. I think it was a pair of university students who decided to apply the idea to Kevin Bacon and see whether you could connect Kevin Bacon to any other actor in the world by common movies. Due to the breadth of his career, you can generally do it in less than six degrees.
posted
For me, there's some resonance in the parsimony of serving and eating leftovers. I know it well, ham and beans and chili beans and beans on toast and beans and baloney sandwiches and beans for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But for all intents and purposes, the opening is mostly static description. No value judgments, no collision of wills, little of private or public conflict, little emotional context, little of causes or effects from the sharp and painful practices of economical mealtimes, in short, little character resonance from little conflict.
I get it, I think, they're poor, but what's Kathleen's attitudes toward leftovers? Depicting her joy, her misery would bring the description to life. "Roast beef on Saturday, go!" Seems like joy, but there's not enough context for me to be as certain as I need, and then to really punch it up, the miseries of leftovers as contrasts.
Flat description as narration, telling the scene's context, doesn't stand on its own. Tone takes a stand, makes a point, depicts a character's attitude toward the circumstances that the description represents. How the circumstances affect the character, what they mean to the character. Through Kathleen's attitudes toward leftovers, possibly portrayed by her interaction with her family, a potent potential reader resonance would be incited.
I don't see leftovers oriented as degrees of separation, though I got the slant of that, maybe temporally. More, I see leftovers as degrees of similarity, how little they're separated from their origins.
Leftover beans on bread for dinner, burritos actually. Homemade, tortillas baked on my waffle-iron comal, my favorite spicy refried kidney bean recipe, cheddar cheese, and fiery taco sauce, yum.
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited September 24, 2009).]
posted
Oh man, it is six degrees of separation. I need to rewrite it now. Thanks everyone, especially clearing up that possessive issue for me. One good thing is because I need to reduce this a degree, I can trim some words. I am pushing that word count ceiling.
posted
"Her twin brother's banter" is not plural, it is the singular possessive (genitive) and states explicitly that she is listening to her twin brother.
"Her twin brothers's banter" (possibly "Her twin brothers' banter" - opinions vary on the 's ending on plurals) is plural, and states explicitly that she has two brothers, who are twins (though there is still the possibility for confusion here - we could be dealing with triplet, the brothers being twins and her being the third...).
"Her stomach that growled five minutes ago somersaulted.." has a couple of problems. Frst, the "growled five minutes ago" is a subclause, so it's clarified by commas around it (both sides please, not just one). Second, as you are writing in the simple pas and referring to a preior event, you should probably use the pluperfect. Third, I tend to think "which" rather than "that" in this instance, but agian there is no clear universal approach there. So I would have expected to read "Her stomach, which had growled five minutes ago, somersaulted..."
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