posted
I have one green eye and one brown eye. The green eye sees truth, but the brown eye sees much, much more. The brown eye sees into one’s very soul.
I was born with this curse but it didn’t manifest until I reached age 5. One day I was playing outside with my new blood red ball while my mother was taking care of some odds and ends around the house. My ball had slipped through my bony fingers and was heading across the road. I started to follow it blindly when I noticed a strange man across the road. What was so strange about him? Well, he was glowing! He appeared to be surrounded by a fireball of brilliant reds, yellows, and oranges. I couldn’t help myself and I started to scream. That poor man was on fire and no one was helping him. The odd thing was that he himself didn’t seem to notice either.
posted
Love the first paragraph but want to throw out the second.
quote:I have one green eye and one brown eye. The green eye sees truth, but the brown eye sees much, much more. The brown eye sees into one’s very soul.
Good hook all by itself, although I recommend you cut the very
quote:I was born with this curse but it didn’t manifest until I reached age 5.
No issues except you should spell out five
quote: One day I was playing outside with my new blood red ball while my mother was taking care of some odds and ends around the house.
I'd cut the second half of the sentence. Also cut blood. Red works just fine.
quote: My ball had slipped through my bony fingers and was heading across the road. I started to follow it blindly when I noticed a strange man across the road.
A few things with this. You have an echo. You repeated across the road. Avoid doing such things. You could cut the second. bony fingers makes the kid sound like a skeleton. was heading is passive. headed works better.
quote: What was so strange about him? Well, he was glowing! He appeared to be surrounded by a fireball of brilliant reds, yellows, and oranges. I couldn’t help myself and I started to scream. That poor man was on fire and no one was helping him. The odd thing was that he himself didn’t seem to notice either.
Narrating directly to the reader is difficult to pull of and interupts the flow. Tell your story as if your talking to an audience. Avoid telling it as if you're speaking to your grandchild. You could trim this and reestablish the pace you started with.
[quote]He glowed, as if surrounded by a fireball of brilliant reds, yellows, and oranges. Believing him to be on fire, I screamed. Oddly, the man walked toward me, obilivious of teh flames dancing off him.[/i]
I am wondering if you could slide most of the info later on into the story. The dual eyes are great. That alone should carry any reader in for a bit.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 27, 2009).]
posted
I agree with a lot of what Snapper says. The first paragraph could be tigtened. Eye is used 5 times.
The second paragrpah is where I found myself wanting to edit. It was the "was" Nearly every sentence has one. some could be eliminated. I was outside playing with my new blood red ball, while my mother( took ) the first was covers it. Then the next sentence as we the reader are firmly rooted in the tense now doesnt need the had. The ball slipped through my fingers... (I agree with snapper here, cut the bony it makes him sound nearly dead. I followed it ....
The part of the strange man could be reworded in probably half the words used. A man on fire who doesnt know he is burning is strange, show it, don't tell it, and you tell it twice, stragne man, what was so strange about him. In my opinion it waters the it down.
posted
I recognize the story trigger! I use it with my middle-school writer's workshop students. (It's from a great book called Writing Magic by Gail Carson Levine who wrote Ella Enchanted among other books.)
I agree with previous posters about simplifying, both in terms of the verbs you're using (was playing could be played, was taking care could be took care, had slipped could be slipped, was glowing could be glowed, etc.) but also in descriptions. Blood red ball is over-reaching, unless you're writing a story about little demon children and the blood-red is actually a playground ball dipped in blood. Children don't generally define their playthings in terms of bodily fluids. At age 5, male, the only red comparison worth making is fire-engine, LOL. But you really don't need to get into that level of detail, in my opinion, because you want to move on to this man who *appears* to be on fire. I'm guessing that we'll find out in another few paragraphs that it's just this magical ability rearing its head.
posted
Great hook, but then we appear to be in backstory. Is what happened, how the MC learnt of their ability, actually going to matter to the story you are about to tell? Is it the story you are about to tell (in which case you have rather tipped your hand with the opener)?
Dropping straight into backstory after a killer opening line/paragraph is an easy trap to fall into and normally means you are starting the story in the wrong place. You give us the excitement - e.g. "Oh my God I just walked in and found Harry dead on the floor!" - but then you immediately witch to "Hey, let me tell you about Harry for a while..." Not really fair, it's a very artificial way of creating tension.
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At age 5, male, the only red comparison worth making is fire-engine, LOL. But you really don't need to get into that level of detail, in my opinion, because you want to move on to this man who *appears* to be on fire. I'm guessing that we'll find out in another few paragraphs that it's just this magical ability rearing its head. 
