posted
Here's another really short story, roughly about 2,200 words. It is complete. I might change this title, but maybe not. I thought about naming it "Flood" or something along those lines.
Again, if you think I should stick with this title, or choose something else, let me know.
Anyway, let me know anything else, too, that you think I might find helpful.
There was something hiding under the surface of the water. The water poured into my house, through the cracks in the roof, through the floor boards. The rain tapped against the roof, and water fell from the ceiling and onto my head. “Mary!” I screamed, grabbing my kid's arm. Water dripped down my blond hair, blurring my vision. “It’s not safe over there. Come on. Up stairs.” “I can’t!” She screamed, going the opposite direction. I picked my kid up and crossed the living room toward her, the water splashed up, wetting my jeans and shirt. “Where’s Caste?” I screamed over the hurricane, realizing our other son wasn’t with her. My eyes widened when I saw a shadow in the water swimming for
posted
It does hook me, though I think it could be stronger. I personally try to shy away from the use of the word "something." Rather, describe what details the person CAN see.
quote:There was something hiding under the surface of the water.
Something like "An indigo shadow flowed beneath the surface of the water." I'm not enamored with the word "flowed" but I'm sure you can find something better. Something more descriptive of how this something moves.
quote:The water poured into my house, through the cracks in the roof, through the floor boards. The rain tapped against the roof, and water fell from the ceiling and onto my head.
This is good, I'd just remove "poured into my house" to make it flow better. Also, consider something like "rose through" for the floor boards. Since pouring is general an up to down movement (as in pouring from a bottle). Also, I felt you can find a stronger verb than "tapped". Might be more interesting if it taps against the glass, since you used the roof already.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited September 03, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited September 03, 2010).]
posted
Again, definitely hooked. The line "The rain tapped against the roof," makes no sense, though; there is so much noise, how would you hear tapping? Either drop it, or change it to pounding. Also suggest you name both kids. It seems odd that your POV character has 2 kids, but refers to one by name, but the other as "my kid".
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Hi There is a story in here I would like to read but I think it needs tightening up
Your first line seems disjointed from the next few, as if it came in the wrong place. There are a few too many THE, and THERE words in it for me, making it slow in places. You don't need them all.
Tapping of rain/screaming over the hurricane - these two concepts conflict
I would take the first sentence out though it gives too much away so does the title.
Other thing is whilst I use kid a lot they are very much MY CHILD when they are in distress or my daughter or my son, kid is more affectionate and for me when reading removes some of the suspense and urgency.
posted
I agree with the last comment that the use of "my kid" is less urgent or dramatic than "my baby" or "my child". I read the story and think overall it was really good. The momentum in the beginning was intense, and I wasn't sure you would be able to keep it up, but after 2,000-ish words, it was still pretty dramatic. Good job. It just needs to be polished up a little. If I were you, I'd get a couple more readers to give you feedback, and then start sending it out to horror zines. You'd do really well in that market.
Posts: 184 | Registered: Jun 2009
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