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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Do You See Me, Kenny - 284 words

   
Author Topic: Do You See Me, Kenny - 284 words
C@R3Y
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Here's a very short story. I read a bunch of flash fiction stories in this one anthology book (studied the art, tried to anyway) just a few moments ago and decided to attempt it.

Any comments are welcome.

Thanks in advance. x]
_________________________________________________________________
"I feel love for you, Honey," said Laura, straddling Kenny.
Strange way to say it, Kenny thought.
"Of course ya do. I'd be a damned faggot if ya didn't."
"You know I have to do this, then? Because you forgot something very important."
He rolled his eyes. "Do what? Forgot what? Are you on one of your 'mood-swings' again? You want another break so you can plant your ass down on Phil from next door?"
She smiled. Her fat tongue exploded out of her mouth and shot into his left eye, wrapping around it and ripping the plump wet ball out of his head.
Blood gurgled in the socket. Squeals peeped out of his parted quivering lips.

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Bent Tree
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I like the use of dialogue here. Very effective. send it along.
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C@R3Y
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I sent it earlier. x] It should be in your inbox now.
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annepin
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I'm not really into horror, so I probably wouldn't turn the page. However, from just a pure writing perspective, there were a couple things that I felt were clunky.

"I feel love for you, Honey," said Laura, straddling Kenny.
Strange way to say it, Kenny thought.
"Of course ya do. I'd be a damned faggot if ya didn't."[this might be more effective if it wasn't in a new paragraph, but included in the previous one. Then it's much clearer that Kenny is speaking (and you save a whole line).]
"You know I have to do this, then? Because you forgot something very important."
He rolled his eyes. "Do what? Forgot what? Are you on one of your 'mood-swings' again? You want another break so you can plant your ass down on Phil from next door?" ["Phil from next door" sounds like an info dump. Do we really need to know he's next door? Is it enough to say "Phil"? Do we even need to know Phil's name? Mentioning his name makes it sound like he's going to become important later in the story]
She smiled. Her fat tongue exploded [word choice--this really doesn't work for me] out of her mouth and shot into his left eye, wrapping around it and ripping the plump wet ball out of his head.
Blood gurgled in the socket [hm... if this is written from his perspective, seems weird that he'd see this]. Squeals peeped out of his parted quivering lips [this read very awkwardly to me. To have squeals peeping mixes too many qualities--squeal is a verb, and it's very different from peep. "his parted quivering lips" is also a bit awkward--what is the important detail you want to put out here? Also, again, I felt this was putting too much into the mix that it's making it hard to picture. To me, peeps are intermittent noises, which means his lips are parting and closing. Here we're told his lip are parted. Now I'm having to think back on all the details and rework what's going on, and I've already done too much thinking. If you've got strong imagery, I think it's best to just let it speak for itself, and not try to throw in too many complicated nuances.].

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C@R3Y
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Thanks for the comments, Annepin. Actually, Phil is mentioned another time in the story, at the very end. It hasn't gotten very far in the story, since I am only able to use the first thirteen, but it does have some meaning to be in there as the story reaches its end.

As far as that goes, I see what you are saying. "Parting quivering lips" does sound a bit strange. I was just trying to avoid the cliche "his mouth was wide open".

Thanks for the feedback. x]

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