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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Dr. Simon Saw - 3300 words

   
Author Topic: Dr. Simon Saw - 3300 words
C@R3Y
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This is no longer micro fiction. It's about 3300 words now. Looking for readers, responses on the thirteen, and I am willing to trade. Also, I am not one-hundred percent on the title. I changed pretty much the entire form of this story with the new version.

________________________________________________________________

NEW VERSION:

Dr. Saw said I had one year to live.
I was shaking. Disney World with Austin was out of the picture. So was the France trip I promised Carly.
Don’t think that way! I tried to tell myself. I slumped down in my seat and shivered. I watched Dr. Saw flipping through my medical papers with great hope. Hope was all I had left. Maybe he'd made a mistake. Maybe he'd tell me he was kidding, that he just wanted to get back at me for mocking him in medical school. I told him he couldn’t make it and I could. And boy, had that bit me in the ass. Now I’m a Financial Consultant, a line of work I've grown to hate, but a second choice nonetheless in case I didn’t get my Ph.D.
Dr. Saw looked up at me. His mustache twitched. He smiled.
What did he have to be happy about? Really?

________________________________________________________________


OLD VERSION (doesn't matter)

Dr. Caldwell said I had one year to live.
I got home, told Carly. She didn't take the news well. Who would?
The rest of the day she was bawling, and all throughout the night, screaming like a hungry chimp in a zoo.
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, my vision foggy from tears, throat clogged; my wife crying her eyes, the covers over her head. How would I tell Austin? He was six. Six! He was too young to understand death.
Weeks later, the doc called me, sounding like he had great news. “Come see me, Mr. Long.” It was the call I'd prayed for.
On my way to the hospital, I thought: Is this a dream? Am I really dreaming?
But this felt like no dream.

[ January 06, 2012, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: C@R3Y ]

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annepin
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Hi C@r3y, this has potential, but there are a few things that threw me off.

Dr. Caldwell said I had one year to live.
I got home, told Carly. She didn't take the news well. Who would?
The rest of the day she was bawling, and all throughout the night, screaming like a hungry chimp in a zoo [Maybe this is your intention but I found this really belittling. Her husband is dying and she's like a hungry chimp?].
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, my vision foggy from tears, throat clogged; my wife crying her eyes, the covers over her head [I almost think you can get rid of the whole "bawling all through the night, chimp in the zoo bit and just skip to this. This image, to me, is much more poignant. As the narrator states, we can expect she's not going to take the news well, so if I were you I wouldn't bother with the expected response but just skip right to what's unique and specific about how these particular characters would respond]. How would I tell Austin? He was six. Six! He was too young to understand death.
Weeks later, the doc called me, sounding like he had great news. “Come see me, Mr. Long.” It was the call I'd prayed for. [Wow, huge time jump here. I found it pretty disorienting. You go from him stressing about how to tell his son to an even weeks later. What happened with his son? Did he tell him? Didn't he? I'm not able to form an emotional bond with the narrator at this point]
On my way to the hospital, I thought: Is this a dream? Am I really dreaming?
But this felt like no dream. [Hm... this dreaming bit didn't work for me. It seems too, well, predictable. I'm not particularly hooked by this. I'd be more hooked if he were eager for the news. Also, but this point, esp in microfiction, I wanted to know what he had, what he was diagnosed with.]

My 2 cents. Hope my comments are useful to you.

A

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C@R3Y
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Thanks for the comments Annepin. It definitely helped.

I'll fix accordingly.

x]

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Leslie
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I think it has potential. Don't rush it. You know what they say 'show don't tell'. So put in more dialogue...how did the Doctor break the news? Was he abrupt? Was he kind? Was the protagonist surprised or had he expected it?

The chimp line is fun, but implies that he is annoyed with his wife is that the impression you meant to give?

You did had me curious about what would come next. It's a good start.

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C@R3Y
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I changed the entire form of this story and it is no longer micro fiction like it was. It is 2,500 words now and readers would be nice, and I am also looking to swap stories, as well as comments on the first thirteen.
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Ben Brooks
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I watched Dr. Saw flipping through my medical papers with great hope.

- Reads to me like the doctor is reading with great hope, but I assume you mean the MC is watching with great hope.

I'm interested in seeing the rest and have a story to swap that's actually about the same length.

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C@R3Y
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I commented on your thirteen lines for "To Catch a Train" and said I would be interested in a read or a story swap, if you got that. At least, I assume that is the story you are talking about.

Send me your story when you are ready and I'll shoot you mine.

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