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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » 13 Lines, The Seven

   
Author Topic: 13 Lines, The Seven
CarolineShelly777
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This isn't the first 13.

Lileri chopped the berries and fruit with swift precise movements of her sharp hunting knife. The delicate flesh of the banana and strawberries were no match for her blade and Lileri delighted in imagining that she were cutting down some fearsome enemy instead of a couple of helpless fruits. When she was had finished her task the elf put the blade of the knife to her lips and licked the juices of the butchered fruit from it, but when she made to set the knife down a flock of crows were startled by some unseen event and her hand slid, slicing her lip.
“Naďne.” Lileri cursed under her breath in the language of the elves. The blood from her lip dripped onto the rock she was sitting cross-legged upon. What had caused the crows to startle she didn’t know, but she felt something, a disturbance in the

[ January 30, 2012, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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Crystal Stevens
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Am I to assume that this is other than the beginning of your story? I'm hesitant to crit it if this is the beginning and it's more than the 1st 13, but I'll give it a go anyway:

I'd like to see the writing tighter. When writing a short work, I try to use as few words as I can... like getting rid of the word "of" and finding a cleaner way to say it. Also finding stronger verbs than forms of "was", "had", "were", etc. will make the action more immediate and much closer to your readers. Weak verbs pushes the action away like it happened in the past instead of happening right in front of you. And I'm not sure what to make of this sentence, which I'm betting is a misprint where you've written "was had". Am I right?:

"When she was had finished her task the elf put the blade of the knife to her lips and licked the juices of the butchered fruit from it, but when she made to set the knife down a flock of crows were startled by some unseen event and her hand slid, slicing her lip."

The above sentence is one heck of a mouthful along with others. I think you're trying to pack too much altogether. Slow down, split these run-ons into shorter sentences, and let your reader catch his/her breath. Way too much info all at once. I also found it hard to understand that "the elf" and "Lileri" are one and the same person. I'd try to make this much more clear than how it's written.

I now see this is much more than 13 lines, which is against the rules. So, I'm not going to crit this piece any further until only the 1st 13 are posted and nothing else. I'm sure Kathleen will do this anyway in just a bit.

But from what little I've read, you need to tighten your writing considerably and make it much more precise... less words to say the same thing and get you point across much clearer than you have.

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