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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Untitled; Very Rough Draft

   
Author Topic: Untitled; Very Rough Draft
Crystal Stevens
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This is more like an idea I'm toying with at the moment. I've got an extremely rough draft of the story down that needs a lot more oomph. Also it's my first attempt at first person.

So here's the first thirteen. See what ya think:




Furnace problems delayed my trip to work that morning. I looked the BigMart parking lot over from the highway and almost rear-ended a car at the traffic light. I mean how often does a person see a large silvery craft sticking up above every other vehicle in the lot?

The light changed, and I turned on the drive that led to the storefront. I used the time stopped for shoppers crossing the drive to study this odd craft that occupied four double parking spaces. The only word that kept popping into my mind was “shuttlecraft”, but that was absurd. Wasn’t it?

A car honked behind me, and I drove on to park at the lot’s far end. Winter’s cold chill blew snow down my neck the instant I stepped out of the car. I pulled my coat tighter, snatched my

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LDWriter2
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Not too bad, I get the gist of it. I've become curious too. But how long is it?

And it almost sounds like it is suppose to be humorous. The second sentence needs some work. It makes sense but the rhythm is off. I i think its the " I looked the BigMart parking lot over " phrase that is the problem.
And there seems to be a word missing in the phrase "I used the time stopped for shoppers "

That's about I have. But over all I it works... for me.

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ForlornShadow
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Its sounds like an interesting story, you have me questioning what this silver thing is. Which makes me want to read more to find out. That's good, keep going with that.
On the other hand the style and flow of the writing is difficult to read. I do understand that this is a very rough draft. Just be sure to look at it again a few times before calling it finished.

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Crystal Stevens
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Oh it's a loooonnnnggg way from finished. I'm just scratching the surface. Thanks for the feedback.

I've never wrote humor before, but yes, it could go that way. In a nutshell, it's about an ET that decides to go shopping in a big chain discount store.

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LDWriter2
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Reminds me of a little thing I read quite a few months ago, An alien pulls into the drive through for a Starbucks.

Lighthearted, if not humorous.

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angel011
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It looks interesting, I'd keep reading to find out what's going on, even with the rough writing which makes me feel like hiccuping.

LD already pointed out what disrupted my reading too, so I have nothing new to add to the subject.

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