Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Chingu - Rewrite

   
Author Topic: Chingu - Rewrite
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Word Count: 6300, Genre: Speculative Fiction/Urban Horror

The gray smoke from Kim Jung Hyun’s cigarette drifted up from the burning ashes to curl around her neck. She sat opposite her seonsaengnim, Song Ji Hun, in the Café Bene in Nohyeong Rotary. The days had grown longer as March fell to April, the snowy winter giving way to a rainy spring. Already, it was almost eight o’clock, and Jung Hyun checked a sigh of impatience as she waited for her superior to tell her why he’d called the meeting today.

“The Gwanlyo has given you a new assignment.” Ji Hun took a slow pull from his cigarette, and turned to look at Jung Hyun as he blew a long funnel cloud of smoke from his nose. “We need a human.”

Posts: 750 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
easterabbit
Member
Member # 9810

 - posted      Profile for easterabbit           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi,

Jung Hyun and Ji Hun--the names are too similar for my taste and not being familiar with the (Chinese?) nomenclature further complicates things for me genderwise, in a way that Jack Hyun and Jill Hun wouldn't.

I like the smoke drifting, but I think you can drop the word gray as we all know what cigarette smoke looks like. Burning ashes?

What is a seosaegnim? Does the term mean boss, or something different.

Otherwise it is a slow start, nicely written, with a gentle hook.

Posts: 54 | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tiergan
Member
Member # 7852

 - posted      Profile for Tiergan   Email Tiergan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The first paragraph, mainly the first two sentences were name heavy for me, two names and place mentioned so quickly in a foreign tongue, not really a foreign tongue, but names that I am not so custom to, lead to a distracting start.

It picked it up and by the last paragraph I was fairly hooked. But watched the cigarette smoke, if its not a integral part of the story, I feel it will become burdensome if it keeps coming up.

Posts: 1130 | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
thanks for the replies. oh, the names are korean, not chinese.
Posts: 750 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wetwilly
Member
Member # 1818

 - posted      Profile for wetwilly   Email wetwilly         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This is a rough start for me. Simply too many unfamiliar and hard to read words. The names, Nohyeong, Gwanlyo, all tripped me up. Made it hard for me to follow what was happening, because every time I hit one of those words, it pulled me write out of the story.
Posts: 1232 | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sorry about that, but thanks anyway!
Posts: 750 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babooher
Member
Member # 8617

 - posted      Profile for babooher   Email babooher         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've read at least two of your Gwanlyo works and I've always thought some of the names were a bit too close, but nothing that was impossible to overcome. It's all those Js and Hs. It's like having Jan Smith and John Smithe in the same story.

As for the other terms, I kind of thought the use of "seonsaengnim" was too much without some kind of explanation. You could quickly clarify with an appositive or appositive phrase. I think that would be an authorial intrusion, but it would be easier to swallow than the foreign term undefined. Something like "She sat opposite her seonsaengnim, her master and teacher," or some such. I think you can safely bet that "seonsaengnim" is a term that most English speaking audiences will need defined.

Posts: 724 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
I've read at least two of your Gwanlyo works and I've always thought some of the names were a bit too close, but nothing that was impossible to overcome. It's all those Js and Hs. It's like having Jan Smith and John Smithe in the same story.
Which is a bad idea and easily avoided, so why not avoid it?
Posts: 2987 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babooher
Member
Member # 8617

 - posted      Profile for babooher   Email babooher         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I was kinda hinting at that, Skadder.
Posts: 724 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for the comments!
Posts: 750 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
I was kinda hinting at that, Skadder.
Yes, but your comment read a little ambiguous to me (...nothing that wasn't impossible to overcome), so thought it best to clarify.

[ July 19, 2012, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: skadder ]

Posts: 2987 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2