posted
Magnificence of his Lord lay evident in the art of those he touched. Unflinching faith, Brother Poalo wore comfortably as a robe--radiant and blue as Raphael's Transfiguration.
But it was so empty, so many dead, so much confusion. There had been no battle--no armegedon--just death. There had been no end to the death, but for him. God had spared him. For what purpose, he remained unsure. Kneeling in prayer before Caravaggio's Deposition of Christ in the Pinacoteca, he felt connected with his Lord.
Yet it was there, he first saw the Demon. Man-like blur betrayed of shadow by a glimmer of candle light. Fisted cross in hand, Poalo stood. "Come forth, Demon. I do not fear you, here in the house of our glorious Father! Show your cowardice. I am armed in faith and truth! You have no power Here!"
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
What's with the strange openings on Hatrack lately?
I think it's important to keep in mind when you're writing what has actually worked for established authors, and what of that which did work you actually enjoyed reading. So my question is, would you enjoy a story with a first line like this:
quote:Magnificence of his Lord lay evident in the art of those he touched.
How many times a casual reader is going to want to re-read an opening sentence to figure out its meaning needs to be kept in mind. I'm not entirely sure what the subject of this sentence is. 'Magnificence' is an adjective. 'of his Lord' is a prepositional phrase. I think 'lay' is the verb. 'in the art' is another prepositional phrase, as well as 'of those he touched'.
I can't exactly imagine why one would write an opening sentence like this, or why one would think it would work to draw a reader into the narrative. And the prose just gets more convoluted from there.
quote: Unflinching faith, Brother Poalo wore comfortably as a robe--radiant and blue as Raphael's Transfiguration.
This is a seriously tortured metaphor for faith. It's a robe, it's radiant, it's blue, and then it's compared to an obscure biblical reference with Raphael's Transfiguration. And why is the 't' in 'Transfiguration' capitalized?
I feel like I've seen this type of trend in workshop environments before when people are suddenly trying really *hard* to write. I actually think that if you were to put this aside for a month and come back to it, you're be confused in what *you* were actually trying to convey in this opening.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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posted
I understand the intent, but your garden variety reader isn't all that into liturgical references. Apart from chiding Denevius for not realising that the 't' in Transformation is capatalised because it is the 'title' of the work, I agree with everything he says.
The main purpose of the opening of a story is to get the reader interested in what is unfolding be it character, milieu, or plot.
Phil.
PS. The use of a Latin based sentence structure like this:
quote:Unflinching faith, Brother Poalo wore comfortably as a robe--radiant and blue as Raphael's Transfiguration.
where the verb/adverb precedes the object is completely unnecessary--unless you want the narrator to sound like Yoda.
Posts: 1937 | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
To me the odd voice seemed an attempt at a quasi-religious voice. If it's Latin based, and if this is the story you mentioned elsewhere that explores intrigues at the Vatican, then I can see that it might be appropriate. However...
I translated "Unflinching faith, Brother Poalo wore comfortably as a robe--radiant and blue as Raphael's Transfiguration." as meaning " Brother Poalo wore his unflinching faith as comfortably as a robe--radiant and blue as Raphael's Transfiguration."
But despite being a lapsed Catholic I had to look up "Raphael's Transfiguration" to discover that "The Transfiguration" is a painting by Raphael of Christ's ascent into Heaven, which I guess was his transfiguration.
I'm intrigued by the demon, and as a lapsed Catholic (not wishing to get into a religious debate here) who is highly critical of the Roman church I'm open to stories that purport to expose the church and its failings, hoping the demon will do it. But if I'm part of the target audience, this opening loses me with its odd English construction (the first sentence defeated me but I read past it hoping to understand), because the effort of translating it is too much (much harder than Yoda's odd English) and the reference to the painting was too obscure for me (at least Dan Brown explained his references to paintings.)
Also, "Fisted cross in hand, Poalo stood" flummoxed me. I took it to mean something like "Holding his cross in his fist, Paolo stood." but again, the effort of making sense of the to-my-eyes-odd construction pulled me out of my attempts at immersion.
Hope this helps, Pat
Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
A Vatican cleric admires Renaissance masters' museum paintings, exalts, prays, reflexively anguishes about widespread death, is disturbed by a demon.
The language is like an Italian, English-second-language speaker's, though Italian would be the language in which such a person naturally thought and probably spoke when startled. I have read numerous Renaissance culture art history essays by Italians and have bilingual Italian-English kin. The language of this fragment is no problem for me. Perhaps what doesn't work for me is not the mixed syntax, though the diction doesn't quite reflect an Italian or Vatican cleric's.
Clerics speak in a code that minimalizes emotion, other than pious exaltation, and neutralizes negative emotional charge. A demon, for example, might be labeled a helper of the fallen angel; Death is called to God's Grace. The first sentence and paragraph reach that voice artfully, then the remainder is mundane (earthly) language -- the change of tenor unnatural to my practiced ear.
The complication of substance for the start to me is the demon's presence, which also to me is too directly lectured, summarized, explained. I would expect in scene mode the agonist at first is uncertain about the being's nature. Naming the demon a demon I think is premature and misses opportunity to develop tension while the agonist learns the being's nature.
The Pinacoteca is one of the most-visited museums in the world, millions visit the painting gallery annually, and is hectic most of the day from early in the morning to late at night by casual visitors and attendants and at other times by researchers and clerks and attendants. Only the agonist and the misguided being are in this scene.
The event of the moment is the demon's appearance and how that complicates the agonist's life. The prior setup establishes somewhat the setting and agonist character development, though as a routine. Routine's are best practice developed as pendent foreshadowing of the drama to come.
Raphael's "Transfiguration" and Caravaggio's "Deposition of Christ" don't develop as foreshadowing motifs. The chronology of those two motifs is transposed, too. The reflexive death reflection doesn't foreshadow either. Other paintings and perhaps a symbolic nature may serve instead.
The Pinacoteca was opened in 1932; otherwise, no time motif indicates when this scene takes place. Setting is place, time, and situation.
I feel in all this opening rushes to get to the demon-agonist interaction. Each of numerous motifs could be lingered upon for development of each's meaning mythology and foreshadow the demon's appearance and complication.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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