posted
This is just a demo of a project I have on the backburner, I'm curious what kind of a reaction it will get.
TAKE TWO:
quote:Emery stood next to her window watching the night, listening. The black woods were all but invisible, and still silent. She glanced towards the sky, studying the position of the stars, a feeling of dread growing inside her. It would happen again soon.
She waited, letting her thoughts drift as her eyes chased the brilliant, shimmering diamonds gliding ever so slowly through the deep, deep blue. Trying to comfort herself with her memory. The Witch's exact words had long faded in her mind, but the glowing, burning eyes and the passion with which she'd said them, Emery could never forget.
The Vereor would end, the Witch had promised that. She had told the world to watch for the fallen star.
ORIGINAL: Emery stood next to her window watching the night. Listening, waiting anxiously. The black woods were all but invisible, and still silent. She glanced towards the sky, studying the position of the stars, a feeling of dread growing inside her. It would happen again soon.
She waited, letting her thoughts drift as her eyes chased the brilliant, shimmering white diamonds as they glided ever so slowly through the deep, deep blue. How could such fear exist in a world so beautiful?
The exact words the witch had used had long faded in her mind, but the glowing, burning eyes and the passion with which she'd said them, Emery could never forget. The Vereor would end, the witch had promised that. She had told the world to watch for
[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited May 13, 2008).]
posted
Only have time for quick response tonight. My flu bug has returned.
I like the premis, I don't think I spelled that right. The story has promise, and I like the starting point. I think the first 13 could be tightened, to highlight the stornger points.
Will try to return for another, more in depth look.
posted
This was a different piece for me. It took me awhile to figure out my thoughts. Nothing glared to me as wrong, which was good. But nothing really hooked me completely either. The writing was good, and held it all together for me.
The first paragrpah, the word anxiously, you don't really need this, as the prose, and Emery's dread and glancing at the starts does a good job of showing her anxiousness. Expecially the words "and still silent." It shows us she has been watching for a while.
The second paragraph, took me out of the story. I understand its purpose, it made a good contrast, of wondering how fear could exist in such a beautiful world, but I was expecting the writing to follow up on the dread Emery felt. I would suggest losing this paragraph or reworking it somewhere in the first.
quote:The exact words the witch had used had long faded in her mind, but the glowing, burning eyes and the passion with which she'd said them, Emery could never forget.
I like this line. My main concern here, is if she remembers so vivdly the passion, and burning eyes, why she wouldnt rememer the exact words, or at least feel she did.
Vereor - Wasnt sure of this word, being in caps made me think of person,place or event. It means fear of, or in dread of, right?
posted
I think the first 13 lines could be tightned up a bit, but I am hooked. I'd love to read it when you have something written and want to send it out for feedback.
Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2008
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posted
Doc, I thought this was quite good. I liked the imagry, and the hook is there. I get impatient, however, and I would want to know pretty quick what "would happen again soon." That, or what the Vereor is. Something.
That said, as far as the first 13 lines, good stuff.
posted
Thank you, everyone. When I get a bit more time I'll respond to your excellent critiques and maybe try some tweaks, stay tuned!
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jan 2008
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I think it's a good start. I think you use too many adjectives and verbs though.
"As she waited, her eyes chased the shimmering white diamonds as they glided through the deep, deep blue. How could this much fear exist in a world so beautiful?" Then choose between glowing and burning; listening and waiting; and so on.
posted
Thanks, unwritten, I'm curious though. You like imagery but you don't like the description. I'm confused by this.
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posted
That's a good question. Hmmm.... You created a very clear image in my head of what you were describing, but your sentences themselves were like a maze, and I lost my focus on the image trying to find my way out. It was more of a suggestion about streamlining your sentence structure than changing the imagery. To me, "She let her thought drift" makes the same visual picture as "She waited, letting her thoughts drift," but it's less convoluted. Does that make sense?
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posted
Description does not always produce images in the readers' heads, and if it does, they may not be the images the writer intended to evoke. That's why writers have to be very careful with their description.
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posted
Ah that makes sense, thanks. I tend to like poetic prose. And KDW that wasn't much of a review lol, tell me what you think.
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posted
Oh, sorry, Doctor. Because I just don't think I can manage to do reviews for everyone, I've decided not to do any reviews at all. I respond instead to discussion that comes up in others' reviews and try to be helpful that way.
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posted
So in otherwords you really liked it and thought it was so perfect that no meaningful criticism could be made. I accept.
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posted
Thanks for all the responses, I considered your feedback and did some tweaking. What do you think? Better? Worse? About the same?
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posted
Emery stood next to her window watching the night, listening. The black woods were all but invisible, and still silent. She glanced towards the sky, studying the position of the stars, a feeling of dread growing inside her. It would happen again soon.
She waited, letting her thoughts drift as her eyes chased the brilliant, shimmering diamonds gliding ever so slowly through the deep, deep blue. Trying to comfort herself with her memory. The Witch's exact words had long faded in her mind, but the glowing, burning eyes and the passion with which she'd said them, Emery could never forget.
The Vereor would end, the Witch had promised that. She had told the world to watch for the fallen star.
Doc:
I like the opening paragraphs, but it seems like you're overwriting: "ever so slowly," "brilliant, shimmering," "deep, deep blue," "glowing, burning."
One of the things I've been trying to correct in my stuff is the use of descriptor lists ("brilliant, shimmering"). They slow things down. Use one or the other or find a better word.
And a sentence fragment (fragment intentional). "Trying to comfort herself with her memory."
I'd wait to find out what would happen soon, if it happened soon. But I might rather come in when things start to happen. Six o' one, dozen o' the other.
posted
I'm inclined to agree with jdt. So, what do you think about this?
Emery stood next to her window watching the night, listening. The black woods were all but invisible, and still silent. She glanced towards the sky, studying the position of the stars, a feeling of dread growing inside her. It would happen again soon.
She waited, letting her thoughts drift as her eyes chased the brilliant diamonds gliding through the midnight blue. Trying to comfort herself with her memory. The Witch's exact words long had faded in Emery's mind, but she could never forget the Witch's glowing eyes and her fiery passion.
The Vereor would end, she had promised, telling the world to watch for the fallen star.
How about that? It's just one idea, but it cuts down on the cumberson adjective lists. Though it may be less poetic.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited May 14, 2008).]
posted
"Emery stood next to her window watching the night, listening." Listening to what or for what?
"The black woods were all but invisible, and still silent." This is a small point, but if the woods are engulfed in darkness, the woods are not invisible - but obscured by the dark.
"It would happen again soon." Good - my interest is at a high, want to find out what it is that will happen - but - no cigar. We go back to her waiting and watching. It might be better to delete this sentence and show us through her state of mind, feelings, etc. - a sense of expectation and maybe fear that something will happen - without telling us so directly that something will happen soon. That way you would have a slow but rising build of tension and interest.
"...brilliant, shimmering diamonds gliding..." I think this description is over the top.
"The Vereor would end, the Witch had promised that." - "The Vereor would end, the Witch promised."
"She (had - delete) told the world to..."
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited May 14, 2008).]
I liked the first paragraph. The second still bothered me a little. I liked Zero's change of cutting it down, it still left some of the poetic prose, but tigtened it. The third paragraph. The "hads" I struggle with these as well. I wish I could help you more with that subject. But I just don't know, when to use them or not.
posted
Yeah hads are a pain. I agree that they don't flow very well, but I think there is a distinct difference in meaning between "She said that" and "She had said that." Like it's an entirely different tense, or something. But maybe they're both preterit, I'm not sure.
For example "He went" vs "He had gone," I know there is some kind of significant, though subtle, difference between them.
posted
I like this beginning. It has a mood to it that makes a reader want to learn more.
My only suggestion is cut the stars-to-diamonds comparison. It's a nice image, but I've seen it many, many times before. In fact, I think I used it recently in one of my own stories when I compared the stars to diamonds on velvet.
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lol, tell me what you think.
