posted
Alek felt a chill shiver down the back of his neck. He tossed a glance over his shoulder. Behind him stretched a plowed furrow, the damp soil looking just as he expected. A chill, on a day blazing with summer’s heat? Alek shrugged and firmed his hands on the plow’s handles, callouses rubbing against the smooth wood. Above him, the sky arced in a vault of bright blue. The sun was a molten puddle of brilliance. “Come, Pok! Step lively there, Klaus!” he called to the oxen. They lumbered along as they had every morning for the past week. The field, the oxen, the heat, all could not have been more ordinary. What could possibly happen? Posts: 2 | Registered: May 2009
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I would move "A chill, on a day blazing with summer’s heat?" to the end of the first line. I think it is important to establish from the start that the chill was not due to cold weather.
Also the line "The sun was a molten puddle of brilliance." was confusing to me and I don't think it adds to the scene. I would cut it.
Also the line "What could possibly happen?" isn't needed. You have established that despite everything being normal, something unusual is going to happen.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited June 27, 2009).]
posted
Over all I thought this was technically good, though the set up feels a little forced, doubly so because of the questions. What could possibly happen? What indeed? The suspense feels like a blow from a hammer, rather than the subtle knock or scratch that I tend to enjoy more. Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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