This is sort of a pre-steampunk fantasy political thriller. Its the novel I started over at MidSommer Madness at Liberty Hall.

The day was bright, but the crispness of early spring still sharpened the midday air. Chimneys and pipes of all sizes and diameters poked out of the massive shed’s roof emitting smoke, steam and vapors like a burnt forest just after a fire.

Within, Panix Gavid observed one of his magician assistants aligning and minimizing the crystalline structure in the cooling ingot of alloy.

“That’s it.” Panix, with his eyes closed, sensed the grains align properly keeping the crystalline structure small and elongated. “It looks nearly as good as the prototypes I’ve done.”

1. bright day – crisp spring – I’m with you so far – sharpened the air -- not so sure. It pulls me out, something doesn’t sit right. Perhaps you mean it’s chilly and that’s what sharpened the air, but I didn’t get it right away.

1. chimneys and pipes – sizes and diameters – smoke, steam and vapors – pick some and scrap some, it’s a bit too many details strung together (IMHO). (I like chimneys, sizes, smoke, vapors.) Burnt – after a fire – pick one (I like: a forest after a fire). Is there an odor?

2. I don’t think you need “magician” asssitant – the use of magic in the next paragraph is better. Does this assistant have a name? A gender? Suggest dropping “and minimizing” since you have “small” in the next paragraph. Suggest “a cooling ingot.” If you mention alloy, its pretty much meaningless unless you say what type. Don’t need it.
2. I might rather get a visual here: the assistant spreading her hands before her while a blue ingot hovers inches from her face? I would rather see “ingot” repeated than “crystalline structure”.

3. with eyes closed? I thought Panix was observing. Ah, with his other senses. Could you say: Panix closed his eyes and reached into the ingot, sensing its structure…

4. On first reading, I thought there was something vaguely nefarious about the assistant’s smile. (Like, she knows she's way better than her master?) How does Panix know the assistant is smiling, when Panix has his eyes closed? Or are you not doing close third? I can’t tell.

On third reading, I sense a smooth working relationship between the two people, but that’s all I get in the way of characterization. I am interested in the setting and situation, but don’t feel grounded in it yet, if that makes sense. For today, I do not think it needs more tension The speculative element is sufficient. I like the word "prototypes" -- probably goes with the steampunk thang.

That said, this technique might be better played later in the book. Unless your story is about local climate anomalies or the evils of the town chimney company, the first 13 you have here is not (or, so I gather) truly relevant to the plot (again...or, so I gather), so there's no possibility of a hook. Suffice it to say, you've just expended two of those 13 lines, giving you even less room to work.

Although...I might be talked into reading further, just because Panix is an interesting name.

S!
S!

Within, Panix Gavid observed one of his magician assistants aligning and minimizing the crystalline structure in the cooling ingot of alloy. Whoa! Okay, this was a big shift for me, to go from outside to inside. I felt like I had to wait for my eyes to adjust. Seems to me you wasted your first paragraph. There's probably plenty of cool stuff you could describe in the building itself that might enlighten us on this weird crystalline structure inside the ingot.

“That’s it.” Panix, with his eyes closed, sensed the grains align properly keeping the crystalline structure small and elongated. This covers much of the same ground as the previous paragraph but, in my opinion, is much more interesting since it gives us added info about Panix. I think you could tighten these paragraphs into 1 and move the story forward. “It looks nearly as good as the prototypes I’ve done.”

“Yes, sir,” the assistant assistant has no name?said, smiling.