posted
This is the first 13 lines of a novel I'm working on. It is science fiction and I have about 23,000 words so far. It's about a future where all parts of society are dedicated to the celebrity system, a system that seeks to keep the people in a perpetual state of docility without recourse to rebellion. In these first lines, I'm trying to jump into the main character's perspective of the game while giving some details about it and drawing the readers into a reality that is similar, but different, from their's. Any feedback would be appreciated. If anybody wants to read more, send me an e-mail. Thanks.
Alex
They got another one yesterday . . . well, let me restate that. We got another one yesterday. We, the people. We process them for our enjoyment, we consume them and then we expunge their barely functional remains all over the world stage’s floor. And if they can pick themselves back up again, we slip in the stain and spread them so thin that there is nowhere else to go but dead. It was Joshua Powell yesterday. You might know him by his stage name: Josh Spectacular—Spectacle for short.
We got him young—yes sir, that’s how we like ‘em these days. Search out for the talented ones with all of our shows: “Searchin’ for a Star,” “Waiting on a Miracle,” “The Next Big Wonder,” and so on . . .
[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 21, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 22, 2009).]
posted
I like the story so far and have no comments on the prose. I am finding it a bit difficult to identify with the POV character at this point. Other than the fact that he/she seems jaded I can't tell what he/she's like. Is this novel self-narrated or is he/she talking to someone?
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
Hey. Thanks for your comments. No, the person is talking to themselves. It's more the expression of his thoughts. After the first page we leave his mind and enter the world he's living in. It's just a set up.
Alex
[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 22, 2009).]
posted
They got another one yesterday . . . well, let me restate that. We got another one yesterday. We, the people. We process them for our enjoyment, we consume them and then we expunge their barely functional remains all over the world stage’s floor (just wondering how 'world stage' without the word 'floor' would sound instead). And if they can pick themselves back up again, we slip in the stain and spread them so thin that there is nowhere else to go but dead. It was Joshua Powell yesterday. You might know him by his stage name: Josh Spectacular—Spectacle for short.
We got him young—yes sir, that’s how we like ‘em these days. Search out for (do you need both words 'out' and 'for'. Or, maybe use 'Look' instead of 'Search') the talented ones with all of our shows: “Searchin’ for a Star,” “Waiting on a Miracle,” “The Next Big Wonder,” and so on . . .
I like it! I totally got that it was a kind of inner dialog. His candor in the 'docile' society makes me think that he is either one of the people running the show or, at very least, an over informed citizen.
posted
I think this is well written, and I like the voice, but I don't find the content very compelling.
To me this could be someone talking about American Idol or any aspect of the entertainment industry in our current society. So I don't see anything unique as far as world building that would make me curious enough to read on.
I think this would be better to start with the main character and/or conflict. You can weave in his attitude about the society as the story unfolds.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited July 22, 2009).]
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