Tia forced herself to sit quietly beside her sister. She would rather walk. Walking or even pacing helped her think. Activity swirled around them. Men were preparing the palace and the city for the coming war. Women and servants were busy packing up large parts of the furnishings to be taken to the mountain fortress along with the women. In the midst of all of this, their father had sent for them to his private audience chamber. It had to be something important.

“What do you think it’s about?” Janessa asked, smoothing the folds of her skirt for the third time.

“I suspect Father has chosen husbands for us,” Erytia answered, tapping her feet. “To solidify the succession and gain him allies for this war. And he doesn’t think we’ll like his choices.”

Second Attempt:
Erytia paced across the room. She reached the corner and turned around to pace back. She had been pacing since she had picked up the news from one of the servants. Artria was preparing for war.

“Will you settle down?” Janessa said. “You should be doing your needlework. And you’ve made me miss a stitch. What’s made you so restless today, anyway?”

“Father is going to war.”

“So? We won’t be expected to fight in it.”

Tia sighed. Janessa could be almost willfully dense at times. “This changes everything, Jana.”

“I don’t see how. Father has gone to war before.”

“When we were children. We’re grown now. Marriageable.

Third attempt: The second rambled a little because I was in a hurry this morning, but I just had to write what was in my head.

Erytia paced across the room. She reached the corner and turned around to pace back. She had been pacing since she had picked up the news from one of the servants. Artria was preparing for war.

“Will you settle down?” Janessa said. “What’s made you so restless today, anyway?”

“I’m not restless. I’m thinking. This changes everything, Jana.”

“I don’t see how, Tia. It’s not like we’ll be expected to fight.”

“Not directly, perhaps. But the balance of power in the court changes with a war. Until now, it’s suited Father to keep us unmarried. Now, he may have to use us to cement alliances

Fourth Try:
Tia forced herself to sit quietly beside her sister. She would rather walk. Walking or even pacing helped her think. She had to compose her arguments in her head so she wouldn’t hesitate or miss an important point.

Activity swirled around them. Men were preparing the palace and the city for the coming war. Women and servants were busy packing valuables to be taken to the mountain fortress along with the women. In the midst of all of this, their father had sent for them to his private audience chamber. There was only one possible reason for that. Tia had actually been expecting this since word of the advancing army came.

“What do you think it’s about?” Janessa asked, smoothing the folds of her skirt for the third time.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited November 17, 2009).]

quote:

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Walking or even pacing helped her think.

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quote:

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“To solidify the succession and gain him allies for this war. And he doesn’t think we’ll like his choices.”

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Feels to me like this would be known to them and they probably have already discussed it many times, so would not be additional conversation, but would be a thought of the MC after she says he is probably choosing husbands.

quote:

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but the only real hook that I read into it was of a father picking husbands for daughters and them not happy...which, to me, has been done often enough and needs something more to keep me reading.

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Yeah. That's why I'm not sure this is the beginning. It does go off in an unexpected direction (I think). On the other hand, I kind of need this set up.

“What do you think it’s about?” Janessa asked, smoothing the folds of her skirt for the third time.

“I suspect Father has chosen husbands for us,” Erytia answered, tapping her feet.

"I think it is more dire than that. One of the nightguards that fancies me seems to think ...

- that assassins may have infiltrated the guard
- father is sending us to neverneverland to be safe
- he has found out about you and your nightly meetings with Shrek.

whatever you could add, that fits into your tale.

quote:

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"I think it is more dire than that. One of the nightguards that fancies me seems to think ...

- that assassins may have infiltrated the guard
- father is sending us to neverneverland to be safe
- he has found out about you and your nightly meetings with Shrek.

---

LOL. Have you been peeking at my fourteenth line?

No. It's not any of those.

Up the conflict? Well, at this point, the conflict is mostly in Tia's thoughts. She knows the answer and she has reason to really be unhappy about it. Maybe I can move the dialog down a bit and get into the thoughts sooner. I'll take a look at that.

Course, it's still basically girls unhappy with the husbands their father has chosen in the first chapter. The train doesn't come off the rails until chapter two.

Edited to add:

Hmm. Maybe I could push the beginning back. Start with the first indications of coming war. The status quo has changed. Tia would do the mental calculations to figure out what that means for her and her sister and then seek out more information. Then I can make it clear exactly why she's so unhappy about this. She does have a very valid reason. That could work.

I think the dynamic between the girls is clearly shown in the first, and it feels like something is going to happen soon where the other two feel more drawn out. I like the marriages already arranged better then just hinting at.

The girls being forced into marriages is a good hook for me. I know it has been done before, but I have no idea where you are going with it. It certainly provides the tension that would make me turn the page.

Besides, what hasn't been done before.

“I suspect Father has chosen husbands for us,” Erytia answered, tapping her feet.