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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » My Yokai Princess (YA, Urban Fantasy) first 13

   
Author Topic: My Yokai Princess (YA, Urban Fantasy) first 13
Foste
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Feeling a bit rusty, so feel free to tear this one to shreds [Razz] :

The girl stood on the Rainbow Bridge, staring at the Sumida River. Tokyo’s office ladies were rushing to work, the school kids busied themselves with idle chatter and no one paid her any mind. Of course they didn’t. I walked up to her and watched her. She was a tiny slip of a girl, hardly older than seven or nine, and wore a tattered dress that billowed slightly, although there wasn’t even the hint of a breeze. “Hey,” I said, trying to sound as amicable as possible. The girl ignored me, her gaze still glued to the jagged vein of water. I clenched my teeth and stoked my Spirit fire. A pleasant glow spread in my stomach, warm like a cup of spilled milk. Granted, it was more of a Spirit spark than a Spirit fire, but at least the girl noticed me. She turned her head slowly, as if submerged under water.

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pdblake
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I'll be honest here and say that I can't really work out what's going on. Granted it sometimes needs more than the first thirteen.

It does sound kind of manga-ish to me at first glance though, but it also has a creepy feeling to it. I hesitate to say it but, either this girl is going to jump and the POV character is trying to save her, or he's completely the opposite and he's going to harm her.

One thing I did notice was the first sentence, it sounds a bit like the start of a limerick:

The girl stood on the Rainbow Bridge,
staring at the Sumida River,
she spat and lurched, then belched and hurled
and coughed up her own liver.

That said, I do do get a good sense of the scene, just not sure what's going on yet.

Welcome back mate:)

[ February 04, 2012, 05:06 AM: Message edited by: pdblake ]

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redux
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pdblake: love the limmerick!

Anyway...

Foste: I agree with pdblake that I don't quite get a sense of what is going on either. I think what I am reacting to is that it has too much foreignness. As a reader, I don't know what the Rainbow Bridge looks like. My first thought was Bifrost, an image that got shattered when it's supposed to be the Sumida River in Tokyo. But then when I read on and the narrator talks about the Spirit spark it makes me wonder if my initial thought was the right one - and this is an otherworldly bridge.

Since it's a novel you do have the benefit of easing in with the hook, but this one feels a bit more like a head-scratcher.

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Jess
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There is a lot of good details in this, like the dress billowing (with no breeze which makes me curious) The slip of a girl. The milk line.
It could be a tiny bit clearer about what was going on. the first few lines were a tiny bit confusing because I wasn't sure whose pov we were in. Also it feels weird to say seven or nine, but that's just me.

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Merlion-Emrys
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It seems clear enough to me, of course I'm more familiar with the setting and conventions than most folks here. It doesn't seem to me that anything is happening, yet, but obviously it will be and the girl is definitely interestingly mysterious.
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Foste
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I'll consider discarding "Rainbow". Oh and the girl is already dead. And you were right Jess, it was supposed to be seven or eight. No idea how I ended up writing nine...

Thanks, guys.

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