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Author Topic: Query for Bond
Jess
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Oh Query letters, how I loath them. If I could have a wish, I think it'd be that I suddenly understood/ loved query letters. It'd make my life so much easier. But alas, I've missed 11:11 tonight so no wishing for me . . . hehehe
here is my query letter. or should I say, here's the bare bones of my query letter. I'm going to add the whole dear agent, personalization, and about me and word count stuff later. that stuffs not as important as making them want to read the doggone book.
well, here she be:

For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious, rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren is hidden by his parents, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays him. While imprisoned, Kadren first hears the strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. Determined to follow the rules, she is a perfect exemplar of how mages should behave. The fool-girl nearly worships the damn king.
Naturally, she finds Kadren attractive (he's never met a girl who didn't), but what surprises him is the affection he feels for her. Remaining a slave is not an option and he knows when he escapes he will never see her again. No matter how deep their Bond, Kadren cannot stay, because he refuses to use his talents to aid the king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
She isn't.
Outraged, Kadren races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the king, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.


okay here is the latest version which is almost identical to version two except I've made some changes based on the awesomesauce advice I've gotten from everyone on here!

For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren's mother hides him, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays them. Taken from his home, he is forced train as one of the king's mage-warriors.
When he arrives at the training facility, Kadren begins hearing a strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. A product of the king's breeding program, she follows the rules with precision, exemplifying how mages should behave. She's distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages. Bonded to the girl or not, Kadren sure as hell cannot support the vile king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
She isn't and Kadren is devastated.
He races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the king, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.

Alright, here's rounds 4, 5, and 6 in one big lump. They aren't edits of the same thing but three very different versions (okay not that different but, you'll see) With these three new versions, they all have parts I like and all have parts that I loath.
Which ones work? Which ones don't? Why? Are they improving or am I beating a dead horse into circles? [Smile]

Okay here there are:

Version 4
For sixteen-year-old Kadren, bad isn’t being betrayed by his neighbor or even being forced to become a slave to a wicked king—it’s the girl’s voice he can’t get out of his head and the fact that he’s falling in love with her.
Beautiful, annoying, naďve Brelina.
They’ve Bonded—at least, that’s how she explains it. What it means is that she can share his magic and his thoughts. Neither of which made him very happy, especially because she’s obnoxious and insanely loyal to the horrid king. But she did save Kadren’s life and her lovely hazel eyes make his stomach flutter and his heart race.
Love be damned. Only an idiot would remain a slave for a girl, so Kadren escapes.
He learns through the Bond that in his absence, the king steals Brelina’s innocence. Not giving a damn if the rumors say the king cannot be killed—Kadren swears the bastard will die for what he has done.
He shouldn’t have ignored the rumors.


Version 5
For sixteen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
He shouldn’t even like her. She’s loyal to the wicked king who is holding him prisoner.
She annoys the hell out of him and he can’t get her out of his head. Sharing her thoughts, he sees her compassion and bravery. But no matter how wonderful she is, being Bonded to him means she can betray him. Finding a way to sneak past her proves difficult, especially when he doesn’t want to leave her behind.

Version 6
For sixteen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren's mother hides him, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays them. Ripped from his home, he is forced train as one of the king's mage-warriors. When he arrives at the training facility, Kadren begins hearing a strange voice in his mind.
Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina.
A product of the king's breeding program, she follows the rules with precision, exemplifying how mages should behave. She's distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages.
He should hate her and everything she stands for, but one look into her charming hazel eyes and he’ll do anything for her—almost anything. Kadren sure as hell cannot support the vile king.
But every time he rebels, Brelina is punished. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.

Thanks again!

Once again, here's version number 7:

For sixteen-year-old Kadren, bad isn't being betrayed by his neighbor or even being forced to become a slave to a wicked king—it's the girl's voice he can't get out of his head and the fact that he's falling in love with her.
Beautiful, annoying, naďve Brelina.
They've Bonded—at least, that's how she explains it. She shares his magic and invades his thoughts. Trusting her isn’t an option, especially when her loyalties lie with the horrid king. But she does save Kadren's life and her lovely hazel eyes make his stomach flutter and his heart race. Finding a way to sneak past her proves nearly impossible, especially when he doesn't want to leave her behind.

[ March 21, 2012, 06:33 AM: Message edited by: Jess ]

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Meredith
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I like the voice. Hardest thing of all for me.

quote:
Originally posted by Jess:
For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious, rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.

I don't usually start a query with a log line (maybe because I'm not very good with a log line). This one is good. The only quibble I have with it is that there's no further mention of sharing his fire-magic.

quote:
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren is hidden by his parents, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays him. While imprisoned, Kadren first hears the strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. Determined to follow the rules, she is a perfect exemplar of how mages should behave. The fool-girl nearly worships the damn king.
The first line immediately made me flash to GRACELING. Just sayin'.

One thing I think this query is missing is some indication of whether Bonding is usual or expected for mages in this world. Since this seems to be the core of the story, I'd like to know a little more about it. This is a detail that could differentiate this story, especially from, say, GRACELING.

quote:
Naturally, she finds Kadren attractive (he's never met a girl who didn't), but what surprises him is the affection he feels for her. Remaining a slave is not an option and he knows when he escapes he will never see her again. No matter how deep their Bond, Kadren cannot stay, because he refuses to use his talents to aid the king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
Is it just being a slave (bad enough) or is there some stronger reason Kadren hates the king? I guess what I'm looking for here is: Beyond Brelina's well-being, what are the stakes? Does he endanger something else by going back for her?

quote:
She isn't.
Outraged, Kadren races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the king, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.

Is there some reason Kadren stabs the king instead of using his fire-magic?

Over all, it sounds like a story I'd like to read. Good work.

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Foste
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I really like this query. Consider my interest in the magic system and the world piqued! [Smile]
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Jess
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okay so I've made a few slight changes to the query. (Actually I murdered it, sliced it into a million pieces and put it back together one maimed limb at a time)
Just to tighten some stuff and take out some stuff that I didn't really need, but thought I did.
sometimes when I make changes to stuff it works, sometimes it doesn't--so consider yourself warned.

For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious, rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren's mother hides him, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays them. Taken from his home, he is forced train as one of the king's mage-warriors.
When he arrives at the training facility, Kadren begins hearing a strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. A product of the king's breeding program, she follows the rules with precision, exemplifying how mages should behave. Bonded to the girl or not, Kadren sure as hell cannot support the vile king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
She isn't and Kadren is devastated. His distress isn't because with her his fire-magic's strength nearly doubles or even that he knows her every thought and pain.
He's fallen in love with the damn girl.
Outraged, Kadren races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the bastard, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.

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Jess
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Teeny tiny little change. I forgot to add a line addressing one of the above issues that I thought to be significant. I didn't address it much just a tiny bit. Hope it gets the point across with subtly.

For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious, rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren's mother hides him, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays them. Taken from his home, he is forced train as one of the king's mage-warriors.
When he arrives at the training facility, Kadren begins hearing a strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. A product of the king's breeding program, she follows the rules with precision, exemplifying how mages should behave. She's distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages instead of a wilder who refuses to comply. Bonded to the girl or not, Kadren sure as hell cannot support the vile king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
She isn't and Kadren is devastated. His distress isn't because with her his fire-magic's strength nearly doubles or even that he knows her every thought and pain.
He's fallen in love with the damn girl.
Outraged, Kadren races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the bastard, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.

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Meredith
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I expected to have a full novel to critique for another group this month. Turns out that person over-estimated her ability to edit to a deadline (even one she set). So, I have a slot free.

I'd be happy to read this one. SEVEN STARS has been fairly thoroughly critiqued. About the only thing I'd like an opinion on there is the first couple of chapters. But I will have a middle grade novel (45,000 words) ready for critiques in a week or so.

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Daniel_W
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Heya. Here are my thoughts on the latest version.

* The comma in 'obnoxious, rule-stickler' is incorrect.
* 'She's distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages instead of a wilder who refuses to comply' is a bit clunky. I'd suggest swapping it around or tweaking it, e.g. 'distraught that she Bonded to a wilder who refuses to comply, instead of one of the obedient mages' / 'distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages, and instead wound up with a wilder who...' / 'and got a wilder instead who refuses', etc.
* I'd restructure to avoid the awkward 'her his', e.g. 'His distress isn't because his fire-magic's strength nearly doubles with her, or even...'.
* I don't think you can get away with the fallen in love thing twice. Both work well by themselves, but I'd say choose one (I'd suggest the one in the opening line, rather than the 'damn girl' one) and leave it at that.
* I'm all for using profanity in the name of voice and tone, but I'd take it down a notch in your final sentences. Bastard or pissed off, rather than both.

Those are the nits I came up with. The story itself sounds quite interesting, and I think the tone you're going for is definitely appropriate for the story. The premise catches my interest. I think the query could do with some more polishing, though.

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annepin
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Jess, can I make a suggestion? Add new versions to your original post by editing it. You can see examples of people doing that elsewhere on this site. It just makes it nice and neat for readers because all the versions are together in one post.
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MAP
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You stole my title. [Smile]

If I was an agent, I'd request a full. If I saw this in a bookstore or an amazon, I'd buy it. So I think you have done an excellent job. [Smile]

Here are some nits on your latest version.

For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious, (No comma) rule-stickler— (not sure a dash is appropriate here, but I'm not a grammar expert,so I could be wrong. If you're not sure it is correct, look into it) it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren's mother hides him, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays them. Taken from his home, he is forced train as one of the king's mage-warriors.
When he arrives at the training facility, Kadren begins hearing a strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. (sentence fragment) A product of the king's breeding program, she follows the rules with precision, exemplifying how mages should behave. She's distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages instead of a wilder who refuses to comply. (I agree with the above poster that this is a clunky sentence. I'm not sure if you need the wilder part. She could just be annoyed that she is bonded to someone who is disobedient. Cutting the wilder part might make the sentence flow better) Bonded to the girl or not, Kadren sure as hell cannot support the vile king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
She isn't and Kadren is devastated. (Does he know she isn't fine? Does he feel it through the bond even with distance between them? or does he come back because he misses her and can't live without her?) His distress isn't because with her his fire-magic's strength nearly doubles or even that he knows her every thought and pain. (This sentence feels out of place to me. It doesn't flow well from the previous sentence. Are these the reasons he wants to go back for her? I think you could cut the previous sentence without changing anything)
He's fallen in love with the damn girl. (I like this line, but you've already done the falling in love with her thing)
Outraged, Kadren races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the bastard, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her.

Nice ending, stakes are pretty clear. This does have great voice, and really I think it works even without correcting my nits. Good luck with this. [Smile]

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Jess
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I posted a new version at the top! Thanks for all the great advice so far. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I got a new computer because my old one left this frail existence and I couldn't remember my password on here and was too lazy to look it up . . .
But yeah, thanks for the help.

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Jess
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So I posted this somewhere else and it's so frustrating because now, I'm told I've written a plot summary and not a query.
How is it any different than the first version (the only other one the guys over there saw). They say the same stuff but with less details. How is more details and clunky mean its not a plot summary but concise is?
Am I missing something here?
oo this is so hard!
thanks for the help though! [Smile]
You guys rock my socks.

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Meredith
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It's not necessarily about the details or lack of them. It's about how far into the story you take the query.

In general, the query needs to go no further than the inciting incident. My impression is that your query may go a bit closer to the climax.

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Jess
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See that's the problem. This only really covers what happens to about page 150 out of 354 something.
I wouldn't think that it's the climax for the story because when he rushes back to save her, that's just starts everything. I'd say the climax is more when they actually do manage to escape together and all the problems that they meet that tries to stop them.
pages 150-354 couldn't possibly all be conclusion.
How do I write the query so that it lets the reader know that this is just the beginning without telling the reader "this is just the beginning" also how is this one bad when the ones earlier aren't? I thought concise was better? I thought I followed the suggestions to make it better, how did it end up worse?
But thanks for the input on why it seems like a summary.

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Meredith
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Okay, so it's more like the end of the second try/fail cycle than the climax. Some (agents) would say that that's still too far into the story.

The inciting incident should be somewhere around ten percent of the way into the book (as a general rule). So maybe that's when they realize that they're bound and would rather not be--to each other, at least.

The good thing about that is that it will leave you more room for some well-chosen details to make the query really sparkle.

You've got the voice down well, now, I think.

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Jess
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The problem is I alternate the pov and so 10% the characters haven't really met and while the might have Bonded already, it's not apparent to them or the reader (unless the reader is really focused).
Also, since it has a strong romance theme, I feel like I should make sure that is in the query, but that doesn't happen until later

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Jess
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How would I deal with that?
Also, how is this one so horrid while the draft before it seemed to get a lot of positive feedback? I mean it seems like a lot of people on here liked the second version, but gave some good suggestions on tweeks for it. i fixed the tweeks and now the whole thing (without anything new added) is awful? what gives?
It makes no sense and I need clarification. what worked for the second one but doesn't in the third draft even though they were the same thing essential just one less clunky?

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Meredith
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I never said that it's awful. You said you got that feedback somewhere else, so I don't know how to respond to it more than I did already. I was only trying to point out why someone I don't know might have said that about a plot summary.

Yes, of course you have to get the romantic interest in or at least hint at it.

Ten percent is only a rough guideline, useful for pacing sometimes. The real point you're aiming for in the query is the inciting incident, wherever that occurs. That also is only a guideline that might not fit every story.

The real purpose of a query is to get the reader to want to read more, so you don't want to tell too much of the story. That's what the even-more-dreaded synopsis is for. [Wink]

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Jess
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It's very complicated. But you have been very helpful.
Hopefully I'll get it figured out.
Thanks for helping. I'm working on a few very different drafts. I'll post them when they're polished to see if a different approach is better.

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MAP
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I like the last version and would still pick up the book if it was available, so keep that in mind.

It is a little plot heavy (meaning you do give more plot details than most queries), and that is why others think it feels like more of a plot summary.

I think it is an easy fix if you want to fix it. It's up to you. Do what you think is best, but here is my suggestion.

quote:
For seventeen-year-old Kadren, the worst part about Bonding isn't sharing his fire-magic or thoughts with an obnoxious rule-stickler—it's that he finds himself falling in love with her.
Mages are supposed to be property of the king, but Kadren's mother hides him, until the day his idiotic neighbor betrays them. Taken from his home, he is forced train as one of the king's mage-warriors.
When he arrives at the training facility, Kadren begins hearing a strange voice in his mind. Beautiful, annoying, naive Brelina. A product of the king's breeding program, she follows the rules with precision, exemplifying how mages should behave. She's distraught that she didn't Bond to one of the obedient mages. Bonded to the girl or not, Kadren sure as hell cannot support the vile king. The first chance he gets, he runs, leaving Brelina behind. He assumes she'll be safe.
She isn't and Kadren is devastated.
He races back to protect her from the king's lewd advances. When he arrives too late, he vows to slay the king as revenge for what has been stolen from her. One problem—the king, it seems, cannot be killed. Stabbing him only succeeds in pissing him off. Once again, Brelina is endangered by Kadren's actions. Being Bonded to him may very well be the death of her
.

I think you could cut all of the bolded part, and focus more on the earlier parts. The main conflict seems to be that Kadren is bonded to girl who believes in the system where Kadren sees the evil in it. And how his rebelliousness might cost her her life. I don't think you need Kadren leaving and Brelina being raped to show that.

JMO, do what you feel is best. A query letter doesn't have to be perfect; it just has to be interesting.

Good luck with this. [Smile]

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Jess
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I've posted a few more version of it at the top. Thanks for the feedback. I'm gonna figure this querying business out if its the last thing I do. Me vs query letter? Oh it's goin' down.
at this point it's like wrestling a bear. At some point in time you realize it was a crazy idea, but you can't stop for the principle of the issue. or something like that . . .

also if you noticed his age has changed that was intended.

Edit: I've changed the query again. The latest version is number 7 up at the top.
Thanks for all of your assistance!

[ March 21, 2012, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: Jess ]

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