posted
"Dramady in PT" (working title) is It's a YA fiction dramady/personal journey/romantic novel.
I'd say more but spoilers are the devil. Cheers!
I know it’s the silliest of vanities, but I have always enjoyed my neck.
It probably all started at the ballet barre when I was just a little smidge. They say that’s one of the hazards of Dance, though; staring at yourself for hours at a time, you might just start to like what you see. Or hate it, I guess; but that never occurred to me back in my little ballet bunny days.
As I tucked my hot pink towel around my curvy little body, my gaze was caught by the morning light slanting through our small bathroom window, gently kissing the profile of my long neck in the mirror. I unclipped my thick wet hair and began to slowly drag my flat-bush through its slick length. Combing the damp silken mess over my opposite shoulder, and I marveled at the diaphanous glow
The phrase "little ballet bunny" contains too many adjectives for my ears. I think since bunny implies small, that ballet bunny will suffice.
Also, I think the tricky thing about writing in first person is not to overuse pronouns that refer to the character like I, me, my, etc. They make the character sound narcissistic, and since she is pretty much admiring herself in the mirror here, well, that doesn't help either. I might consider rewording your second paragraph to get rid of as many of those pronouns as you can.
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2012
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posted
Actually, I disagree. This is one of the few moments when I feel you CAN indulge yourself with all three words --"little ballet bunny" It is a matter of..what? Tone? Also, it helps fix the idea of little kid rather than a more grown-up hanger-on idea.
posted
I would replace 'enjoyed' with: admired, valued, loved, been proud of, something with a little less ambivalnce. Does dance get capitalized in this context? Other than those little things, I love it. I can just see the little narcisisic minx in love with her own reflection. I presume that will be her downfall later on. Send me the rest of the first chapter, I want to see what happens. Carl
Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2013
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