Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Return of the Gods-1st 13 (Rewrite)

   
Author Topic: Return of the Gods-1st 13 (Rewrite)
Jed Anderson
Member
Member # 9863

 - posted      Profile for Jed Anderson   Email Jed Anderson         Edit/Delete Post 
Orion squats down and leans back against the once white marble column, the thick moss growing all around its surface makes it look more like an old oak than anything else. Near the empty floor-to-ceiling windows, the tall dying prairie grass that grows in the dirt, blown across the red tiled floor over the decades since the Purification, gives lobby of this ruined century old building an odd look. The small gardens in the lobby and waiting area, those that'd been carefully tended to bring a spark of nature to this huge place of business almost eighty years ago, have now grown into little thickets of wild willow and large aspen that are bent and twisted from growing around the beams that used to hold the glass windows of the atrium. But no birds make nest in these trees.

[ September 30, 2013, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
J_Jammer
Member
Member # 10165

 - posted      Profile for J_Jammer           Edit/Delete Post 
I really like the last sentence.

Sentence length is like makeup. If used correctly it accents the beauty of what's shown. Or so I think.

You have great descriptions that are stowed away in the length of these few sentences that are confusing with the amount of commas used.

Now not all your sentences are too long. Really none are. It's the need for varying length that makes some too long.

It has been said that the average reader forgets what they've read if the sentence has too many words. They'll have to reread.

Hoped that sparked something. As any suggestion, it's your choice. It is, afterall, your world.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post 
Your sentence construction is confusing, and I think grammatically incorrect. Like this:

quote:

Orion squats down and leans back against the once white marble column, the thick moss growing all around its surface makes it look more like an old oak than anything else.

As written, this doesn't exactly make sense. A period should follow 'column', and you'll probably have to specify what the 'its' is in the next sentence.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
arriki
Member
Member # 3079

 - posted      Profile for arriki   Email arriki         Edit/Delete Post 
The extreme length of the sentences is not working. I realize long sentences CAN work...but not these. I ask myself, WHY? It's too -- cloying? It "feels" like a level droning as I reread it. Also, little happens?
Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MattLeo
Member
Member # 9331

 - posted      Profile for MattLeo   Email MattLeo         Edit/Delete Post 
Let's take just this one sentence:
quote:
Near the empty floor-to-ceiling windows, the tall dying prairie grass that grows in the dirt, blown across the red tiled floor over the decades since the Purification, gives lobby of this ruined century old building an odd look.
The sense of this sentence is this: The grass growing on the floor gives the lobby an "odd" look. So start right there. "Odd" is a weak modifier. Odd how? It could be "unreal", "forlorn", "graveyard", "abandoned", or (if you like irony) "cheerful".

Note the proliferation of commas (usually a warning sign), particularly the comma between "dirt" and "blown". I know why it's there, to set of an adjectival phrase, but at this point we have a subject (the grass) and we're looking for a verb, so it's natural on first pass through the sentence to think that the *grass* is blowing across the floor. Then we have to rescind that picture when we encounter the actual verb "gives". Try to avoid sentences where the reader builds then rescinds a faulty picture in the course of reading.

I think you are giving this sentence too much to do. It's primary function is to paint a minor element of the setting: a ruined old building lobby overgrown with grass. But you're also trying to slip some backstory under our noses (there was an event called the Purification that happened decades ago, and the building was presumably ruined in that). You're even trying to slip some of Orion's attitude into this (the lobby looks "odd").

My suggestion is strip the sentence down and move the other stuff into other sentences. Don't try to do more than one or two things per sentence. For example describe the lobby, but maybe in a way that *suggests* Orion's response to it, if that's what you want to do.

Watch your commas. Don't hesitate to use them where they're needed, but if you need three that's probably a red flag that you're making an over complicated sentence.

Streamline the language of the opening. If it's a heightened effect you want, your sentence have to resonate, and for that they must be less cluttered. Then you can count on the impression each sentence makes sticking in the reader's head, and that lets you paint the picture piece by piece.

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lala412
Member
Member # 10194

 - posted      Profile for lala412   Email lala412         Edit/Delete Post 
This is my first critique, please forgive -

I really love the imagery in this scene. However, I confess that I had to read it three times to really “see” the imagery because of the length of the sentences. I can relate to that, though – I do the exact same thing, just not so nicely. I really love your word choices, and the overall effect is haunting, IMO.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2