Alex’s life had taken a very strange twist indeed. He was sitting alone at the computer using one finger to type, periodically he would yell obscene words at his own right hand as he knew how to touch type, but wasn’t letting himself.
“Should we do something?” Fido asked the butcher.
“What?” he asked the baker. “We can’t let him know we can see him without ruining our entire show.”
Fido turned to the candlestick maker. “What do you think?”
The candlestick maker gave a knowing smile. “Upset he didn’t try to top himself when you faked your death?”
“No,” Fido lied.
“Anyway the jokes on him,” the butcher said. “The guns not loaded.”
"The damn contest kicks me in the teeth every week. I must --" Alex shoved his brush up the chimney."— win." A soot-caked bird's nest fell on his head, bounced off the andiron, and rolled a few feet. His customer hopped down from his leather armchair and waddled over on short, bowed legs to snatch it up.
"What a find! I like to win, as you see from my spoils."
The little man's "spoils" were trash. He'd won the old bowling trophies -- maybe. But mildewed elk heads, cracked Dresden shepherds, and stolen stop signs?
"I know all about winning. And prizes." Placing the nest in an empty birdcage, he looked up. "What would you trade me? To win, I mean."
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 16, 2008).]
Left click or pull the trigger? Alex’s bloodshot eyes scanned the latest crits. The comments were kind but he knew what they meant: "Your writing sucks. Give up, already." His cramped room gave him no solace. Alex’s gaze wandered to the pistol left to him by his only friend, who recently passed in a tragic baking accident. His hand, shaking from fear--or caffeine, brought the gun to his temple. "Goodbye, cruel world." Ironic, my last words are a cliche. "Sorry, Ortzi," he apologized to the novelist’s picture on the web page before him. Astonishingly, the image replied.
"A little over the top, don’t you think?"
"W-What? W-Who are you?" he whimpered, filling his boxers.
"Ortzi St. Bard, Mr. Bacon. The world of Hatriver is dying; to
Cut--too long
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 18, 2008).]
Alex’s hand jiggled as he poured a fresh cup of espresso. On my second cup and the damn laptop still hasn’t finished booting up.
A thin smile spread on his bony face. He spent most of the week on this week’s 15-line challenge. He felt he finally wrote a top entry. Not, Scatter, Wolfybro, Adjustingpants, Crooked Twig, Slapper, And-a-pen, Caffineton, Tearagain, him! Flying Pig.
Let’s see you jealous hacks knock this one down! I dare ya!
The website finally came to life on his narrow screen. He immediately went to the challenge page. IrrelevantBanter was there to take the first shot.
Is it Prince Fern’s fetish he’s confessing when he wishes he could “spend eternity inside a fairy tail”?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 16, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 16, 2008).]
“Do you ever get off that thing?” Roxanne stood next to the laptop in her bathrobe, her hands on her hips.
“I was just about to come to bed.”
“Too late.” Several empty bottles landed in the garbage with a loud crash, and Roxanne stomped off.
Alex followed her into the bathroom with his laptop. “Listen to this, Roxy. I’ve finally done it.”
“I don't want to hear another word about that stupid Hatriver contest. There isn't even a real prize, Alex. You're going to be late for your real job." She switched off the computer.
“****!” His howl echoed through the apartment. “I hadn’t saved that. This time I was going to win!” The laptop slipped from his fingers and crashed on the floor.
Alex Bacon was a man of integrity. That was the singular thought that greeted him as he briefly closed his eyes to the familiar ghostly glow of his computer screen.
"You hear me Jake? Integrity, if nothing else," Alex said, to his recently-named espresso machine.
The levity of having named an appliance was not lost on him, but laughing didn't seem useful anymore. The reasons for his emotional apathy were numerous; grief, pain, loss and a mounting sense of failure were there, but not the whole. Useless to dwell on, he thought. Alex had a job to do, and would, as long as it continued to medicate him, or until he failed.
Alex wasn't entirely certain how he had chosen the coin that would flip for his survival. It probably doesn't matter, he thought.
(Cut--too long--also not sent in correctly formatted. Please refer to rules above for exactly how to send it in.)
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 17, 2008).]
Alex stared down at his body slumped over the desk. One hand ironically lay on the keyboard that had given him so much misery, the other down to his side, gun still in hand. The faint scent of yeast hung in the air.
“Oh god, Fido, what have I done?”
“You?” Fido’s spirit laughed. “It's not what you did, but what I did.”
Alex couldn’t pull his eyes away from his death. “Why?”
Fido doubled up in laughter. “Why Alex, it’s only the first fifteen, I ain’t telling you the whole story yet.” He cocked his finger against his head. “Writers are such easy prey. And every forum is full of them.” He pulled the trigger.
Alex lunged for him. “I’ll stop you!” But he was gone.
Thalia surveyed the mortals in the old, dusty coffee shop. She turned to the darkness of Thanatos drifting next to her.
“Why did you bring me here, brother?”
The shadows weaving constantly about him parted and his pale hand pointed to the entrance. The bell tinkled and a thin man walked in. “We are here for him,” Thanatos whispered.
“Him?“ She let a thread of her mind drift towards the man as he ordered a coffee. He was a writer--talented--but in desperate need of a story. “Ah, he seeks my touch, but why are you here?”
“He is on a precipice. He seeks to live as strongly as he seeks to die. I can’t take him until he decides.” Thanatos opened his hand and a tiny speck of light swirled across his ghostly palm—red sparks flew in all directions. “Look, sister, here I have a
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 19, 2008).]
“Not one vote,” Alex sobbed, reading the final results of the writer’s 15 line challenge. “Not one wretched vote.”
He’d vowed to end it this time, if he failed. He had nothing left to live for. Trembling, he put the gun to his head.
“Now, now, Alex, I have a much better solution.”
He dropped the gun, startled by the appearance of a sexy brunette in the middle of his living room.
“I’ll make you the next King, the next Tolkein,” she tempted him, moving closer. “You’ll be rich, famous. People will speak your name with awe, Mr. Bacon, they’ll want to be you. Interested?”
It was his dream, what she offered, but he was wary. “I don’t understand. Who are you? Why would you want to help me?”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 19, 2008).]
Desperation can drive a man insane. On the other hand, sometimes it can lead to greatness -- at least that’s what Alex Bacon told himself. In fact, Alex talked to himself quite often. His friendship circle consisted solely of the dead authors whose works filled eight bookshelves in his one-bedroom apartment. On this lonely afternoon, Alex’s life had reached an event horizon -- a point of no return. There were only two possible outcomes of the day:
1.) He would achieve literary stardom.
2.) He would die.
He didn’t know if it was the espresso or the fear of death that made his hands shake as he opened up his laptop. It didn’t matter; desperate times called for desperate measures.
This was 11.5 lines long--you could have put more in!
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 19, 2008).]
Alex sat next to the solitary window in his cramped apartment. He held a cup of espresso balanced on his knee with his left hand while right held a 9mm gun to his temple. He watched the world outside slowly wake as he cocked and released the gun over and over with his thumb, humming snippets of a lullaby he could barely remember from childhood. In the distance morning blossomed in the sky over central park. This was his favorite part of the day. It was as if with that first sign of light the universe was letting him on in a secret – a truth that others were too busy getting ready for work to notice. Twilight made his graveyard shift bearable. Its poetic, no?
Alex’s humming stopped abruptly and his trigger finger jerked.
The Voice was back. Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
| IP: Logged |
Darkness beyond the glow from his laptop screen. Silent. Did he hear a voice?
"Alex Bacon."
Alone in his meager apartment. The gun, cold in his hand. Did somebody call his name?
"Alex Bacon."
There. He twitched as if stung by electric shock. A jittery glance revealed the room to be empty, as usual. He felt a twinge of disappointment, and frowned at the unexpected emotion. What was so compelling about that ephemeral whisper in the dark? He held his breath and strained to hear the siren's call again.
posted
Entry 1- Confused to the whole meaning of the 13. What twist? Why was he yelling at his own hand? Was it possessed and that is why he was typing with one finger? Who or what are the three men? Where are they?
quote:“Upset he didn’t try to top himself when you faked your death?”
Did you mean upset he didn't try to stop you when you faked your own death? What gun? I thought he was typing. The prose wasn't too bad, but the plot and hook weren't there for me.
Entry 2-Interesting. I would keep reading. Don't know if some got cut off or not, but the gist of it seems to be here. I picture his customer as the penguin or a dwarf? Good visuals for me. Although I saw more characterization of the customer than Alex, I thought it was nicely done.
Entry 3- Possessed computer? Interesting, again. Don't know if you needed to mention the cramped room or not. Bummer on the length, would like to see what you ended with. Not too bad. Rather like it.
Entry 4- Didn't really pull me in. No perceived threat anywhere. Also, jiggling reminds me of J-Ello or the extra fat on my thighs, not a shaky hand. Another one cut off. Bummer.
Entry 5- Like the visuals here, too. Good sense of the tired housewife. I picture Alex like the uncle trying to win the contest in One Crazy Summer. Not a strong hook, I don't know if I care enough to read on.
Entry 6- Love the named appliance. Even with the end cut off, I liked it. Nice prose, beginning of a hook, would definitely turn the page. Questions: What was the job he had to do? If he would keep doing it, why was he flipping a coin for survival?
Entry 7- My first impression was that Fido was a dog. (I forgot he was the dead baker friend.) Who or what is Fido? Not really pulling me in. (Like I said, I was trying to picture a poodle doubling over with laughter.)
Entry 8- And another cut off in the prime of story-telling. I'd turn, but... Interesting take from the desired Muse POV. I like the writing style, so I'm not sure what is bothering me about this one.
Entry 9- Again with the line snipping. Jumps big time in line 5. Needed more explanation of who the brunette is. Not a very strong hook. Hopefully that wasn't cut.
Entry 10- Loved it up to the line item list. Good writing, though.
Entry 11- Could be smoother on the second sentence. Great hook. Great visuals. Like it.
Entry 12- Why was he sitting in a dark apartment, in front of his laptop, with a gun in his hand? There is a hook, but a LOT is left for the reader to discern between the very wide lines.
Another good week. I'm impressed.
1st: #2 - Will Write for Redemption 2nd: #11 - Click, Click, Bang! 3rd: #3 - The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon
TITLE: #6 - Ink and Soot
Edited for: forgetting this ( / ) silly thing.
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited June 19, 2008).]
posted
Best Title: Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge
First Place: Entry 7 Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge
Second Place: Entry 6 Ink and Soot
Third Place: Entry 8 Despair and The Muse
And now why:
Entry 7
I liked it, well written, tone was interesting. Did have to read twice and then guess using my knowledge of the synopsis that the body was Alex's and not Fido's. (Beat Entry 6 and 8 partially because it wasn't cut for being too long.)
Entry 6
The recently-named espresso machine won my heart. Maybe because it reminded me of something I would do.
Entry 8
I think this was very creative, however I was very confused about the motivation of Thanatos, it appeared he was the Muse's guide, but then he seemed to have a different agenda (causing suicide) which would be easier if he hadn't brought Alex a Muse. I would have read on, but partially out of confusion rather than purely out of being hooked.
Anyone else who wants feedback feel free to e-mail me.
posted
Entry # 1 - First impression is that it’s somewhat confusing. I had to read slowly to keep track of who was talking. Possibly too many characters for 13 lines? I liked the fairy tale/rhyme/insanity feel. Not sure there’s a hook.
Entry #2 - I like this one. Characterization of the customer is really rich for only a couple sentences. Nice job, nice hook. I would keep reading.
Entry #3 - The first couple sentences didn’t work for me, seemed almost like shorthand or brief mental takes (possibly intentionally). Once Ortzi was introduced I felt the hook more. Loved the “filling his boxers” tag.
Entry #4 - “Jiggled” tripped me up, I picture jello. Funny, inside-jokey, but no real hook.
Entry: #5 - Good dialogue. It doesn’t really have a hook. Seems like the story is over.
Entry: #7 - Can you physically “stare down at your body slumped over the desk”? 2nd sentence is awkward… “ironically” needs to be moved or something. Hook is almost non-existent. Liked the “yeast” part for some reason, it felt unique.
Entry: #8 - “Drifting next to her” had me confused. Did he just arrive after “drifting” over to her, or is he somehow “drifting” in place? Cool atmosphere, feels weighty. Good hook, I would keep reading.
Entry: #9 - Your first sentence is money; tells the story, sets the scene, characterizes. Very nice. This entry is tightly written, interesting, clear hook. I would keep reading.
Entry: #10 - Clear, concise. Hook is there. I would keep reading.
Entry: #11 - Some commas would help this one. I don’t feel the hook really. The light/universe thing felt out of place. A little disjointed overall.
Entry: #12 - Good atmosphere, feels dark and scary. “Jittery glance” was hard to picture. Hook was not expecially compelling for me (possibly because we don’t really know anything about Alex at the end of this).
My picks:
1st: 2 - Will Write for Redemption 2nd: 9 - A High Price 3rd: 10 - The Beginning or The End
posted
Wow guys---I think this week's entries rocked! Perhaps I'm biased, since, well, we used my synopsis. Still, all things considered, I think this week was fantastic!
I hope to give very detailed reviews of each entry when I get the chance, I enjoyed every single one.
1) Who Laughs Last - I loved the introduction of the butcher and the candlestick maker, a clever, humorous play on my "Fido the Baker" subplot.
2) A High Price - Good hook, whenever sexy people magically appear from nowhere in a time of despair, that's always a good hook. Nice prose too.
3) Despair and The Muse - This was certainly interesting. I'm especially intrigued by the supernatural element. Nice hook and well written.
Best Title: (and certainly the most clever) A Prose by Any Other Name
I wish I could have voted for them all!
[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited June 20, 2008).]
Alex’s life had taken a very strange twist indeed. He was sitting alone at the computer using one finger to type, periodically he would yell obscene words at his own right hand as he knew how to touch type, but wasn’t letting himself. [Eh?]
“Should we do something?” Fido [Who's Fido?] asked the butcher[What Butcher? Where'd a Butcher comer from?].
“What?” he [He who? Fido? Alex? The Butcher?] asked the baker. “We can’t let him [Who?] know we can see him without ruining our entire show[What show?].”
Fido turned to the candlestick maker[Where'd a Candlestick Maker (Chandler) come from?]. “What do you think?”
The candlestick maker gave a knowing smile. “Upset he didn’t try to top himself when you faked your death?”
“No,” Fido lied.
“Anyway the jokes on him,” the butcher said. “The guns not loaded.”
I'm left confused. Are they real? Are they his imagination? Who's Fido?
quote: Entry #2 Title: Will Write for Redemption
"The damn contest[What contest?] kicks me in the teeth every week. I must --" Alex shoved his brush up the chimney[Eh? Alex is a Chimney Sweep?]."— win." A soot-caked bird's nest fell on his head[I thought he shoved a brush up the chimney--was it a brush-hat?], bounced off the andiron, and rolled a few feet. His customer hopped down from his leather armchair and waddled over on short, bowed legs to snatch it up.
"What a find! I like to win, as you see from my spoils." [Said whom?]
The little man's "spoils" were trash. He'd won the old bowling trophies -- maybe. But mildewed elk heads, cracked Dresden shepherds, and stolen stop signs?
"I know all about winning. And prizes." Placing the nest in an empty birdcage, he looked up. "What would you trade me? To win, I mean."
A little clarification and this grows more interesting. It's hook is a possible Faustian Deal.
quote: Entry #3 Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon
Left click or pull the trigger? Alex’s bloodshot eyes scanned the latest crits. The comments were kind[,] but he knew what they meant: "Your writing sucks. Give up[, already<--[Cutting this would sharpen the effect.]." His cramped room gave him no solace. Alex’s gaze wandered to the pistol left to him by his only friend [I thought--from the opening line--he was holding a gun and a mouse. This shakes my trust.], who recently passed [Passed what?] in a tragic baking accident<--[Okay, so I'm a sicko: LMAO.]. His hand, shaking from fear--or caffeine, brought the gun to his temple[The friend? Does his hand drink large doses of coffee, like Mork?. "Goodbye, cruel world." Ironic, [my last words<--[Switches from 3rd to 1st person.] are a cliche. "Sorry, Ortzi," he apologized to the novelist’s picture on the web page before him. Astonishingly, the image replied.
"A little over the top, don’t you think?" [Missing tag.]
"W-What? W-Who are you?" he [He who? whimpered, filling his boxers. [Whose PoV did "the image replied" in?]
"Ortzi St. Bard, Mr. Bacon. The world of Hatriver is dying; to
I'm not sure wether or not this was supposed to have a comic element. Therem were a few unnecessary adverbs sprinkled throughout and the PoV/person slips.
quote: Entry #4 Title: A Prose by Any Other Name
Alex’s hand jiggled [Wow, serious image. He didn't spill any? There's a different connotation in "jiggled" than "trembled".] as he poured a fresh cup of espresso. On my second cup and the damn laptop still hasn’t finished booting up.
A thin smile spread on his bony face. He spent most of the [week on this week’s<--[Two "week" in one sentence, redundant. I'd suggest cutting the second one, it's not necessary.] 15-line challenge. He felt he finally wrote a top entry. Not, Scatter, Wolfybro, Adjustingpants, Crooked Twig, Slapper, And-a-pen, Caffineton, Tearagain, him! Flying Pig. [It feels that there's someone missing. Hmm...whose Nick could it be?]
Let’s see you jealous hacks knock this one down! I dare ya! [LMAO ]
The website finally came to life on his [narrow<--[Makes me wonder if you mean "narrow" width or thickness.] screen. He immediately went to the challenge page. IrrelevantBanter [Well, maybe thereisn't someone missing.] was there to take the first shot.
Is it Prince Fern’s fetish he’s confessing when he wishes he could “spend eternity inside a fairy tail”?
Cute. A few stumbling blocks (and adverbs), but well written humor. Something I don't often see.
quote: Entry: #5 Title: Hitting the Bottom
“Do you ever get off that thing?” Roxanne stood next to the laptop in her bathrobe, her hands on her hips.
“I was just about to come to bed.” [Said Whom?]
“Too late.” Several empty bottles landed in the garbage with a loud crash[Eh? What garbage? Where are they?], and Roxanne stomped off.
Alex [Who?] followed her into the bathroom with his laptop.<--[Nice characterizing of obsession.] “Listen to this, Roxy. I’ve finally done it.”
“I don't want to hear another word about that stupid Hatriver contest. There isn't even a real prize, Alex. You're going to be late for your real job." She switched off the computer.
“****!” His howl echoed through the apartment. “I hadn’t saved that. This time I was going to win!” The laptop slipped from his fingers and crashed on the floor.
Nice characterization, but missing his feelings as he dropped the laptop--and mine is not so easily switched off. Unfortunately, this stopped just short of a solid hook. If I read the next couple of lines and he just ended up running out the door, I'd drop it; if he started talking to himslef and rapidly pacing the room, kciking the laptop each time he passed, while glaring at the closed bathroom door because Roxy went in to get dressed...
quote: Entry: #6 Title: Ink and Soot
Alex Bacon was a man of integrity.[Narrator's telling. PoV? That was the singular thought that greeted him[,] as he briefly closed his eyes to the familiar [ghostly<--[Ah! Adverb, kill it!] glow of his computer screen.
"You hear me Jake? Integrity, if nothing else," Alex said, to his recently-named espresso machine.[Even in insanity, this feels like I walked in in the middle of a conversation--in which case the narrator should know.]
The levity of having named an appliance was not lost on him, but laughing didn't seem useful anymore. The reasons for his emotional apathy were numerous; grief, pain, loss and a mounting sense of failure were there,<--[Telling. Bland.] but not the whole. Useless to dwell on, he thought. Alex had a job to do, and would, as long as it[Whaty?] continued to medicate him, or until he failed.
Alex wasn't entirely certain how he had chosen the coin that would flip for his survival. It probably doesn't matter, he thought.
It's a very passive voice (not specifically passive sentences). This slows pace and distances me from the character.
quote: Entry: #7 Title: “Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge”
Alex stared down at his body slumped over the desk. One hand ironically lay on the keyboard that had given him so much misery, the other down to his side, gun still in hand. The faint scent of yeast hung in the air.
“Oh god, Fido, what have I done?”
“You?” Fido’s spirit laughed. “It's not what you did, but what I did.”
Alex couldn’t pull his eyes away from his death. “Why?”
Fido doubled up in laughter. “Why Alex, it’s only the first fifteen, I ain’t telling you the whole story yet.” He cocked his finger against his head. “Writers are such easy prey. And every forum is full of them.” He pulled the trigger.
Alex lunged for him. “I’ll stop you!” But he was gone.
Seems more of a story than the beginning of one. I don't see how the title applies...at all.
quote: Entry: #8 Title: Despair and The Muse
Thalia surveyed the mortals in the old, dusty coffee shop. She turned to the darkness of Thanatos drifting next to her.
“Why did you bring me here, brother?”
The shadows weaving constantly about him parted and his pale hand pointed to the entrance. The bell tinkled and a thin man walked in. “We are here for him,” Thanatos whispered.
“Him?“ She let a thread of her mind drift towards the man as he ordered a coffee. He was a writer--talented--but in desperate need of a story. “Ah, he seeks my touch, but why are you here?”
“He is on a precipice. He seeks to live as strongly as he seeks to die. I can’t take him until he decides.” Thanatos opened his hand and a tiny speck of light swirled across his ghostly palm—red sparks flew in all directions. “Look, sister, here I have a
Other than the "as you know BoB" chunk, I like the twist on the Clarence (from It's A Wonderful Life) perspective.
quote: Entry: #9
Title: A High Price “Not one vote,” Alex sobbed, reading the final results of the writer’s[This is singular, and implies there is another kind of 15 line challenge.] 15 line challenge. “Not one wretched vote.”
He’d vowed to end it this time[,<--Cut.] if he failed. He had nothing left to live for. Trembling, he put the gun to his head.
“Now, now, Alex, I have a much better solution.” [Said whom?]
He dropped the gun, startled by the appearance of a sexy brunette in the middle of his living room.
“I’ll make you the next King, the next Tolkein,” she tempted him, moving closer. “You’ll be rich, famous. People will speak your name with awe, Mr. Bacon, they’ll want to be you. Interested?”
It was his dream, what she offered, but he was wary[Telling. I sense no true feelings from this character, he lacks depth.]. “I don’t understand. Who are you? Why would you want to help me?”
Could be a more potent hook.
quote: Entry: #10 Title: The Beginning or The End
Desperation can drive a man insane.<--[Distant. Makes we leary of a "lecture" coming on.] On the other hand, sometimes it can lead to greatness -- at least that’s what Alex Bacon told himself. [In fact,<--[Reaffirms distant Narrator.] Alex talked to himself quite often. His friendship circle consisted solely of the dead authors whose works filled eight bookshelves in his one-bedroom apartment. On this lonely afternoon, Alex’s life had reached [an event horizon<--[Choose one, or this is redundant.]-->-- a point of no return.] There were only two possible outcomes of the day:
1.) He would achieve literary stardom.
2.) He would die.
He didn’t know if it was the espresso or the fear of death that made his hands shake as he opened [up<--unneeded.[/b]] his laptop. [It didn’t matter;<--[Doesn't matter.] desperate times called for desperate measures.
Not feeling the motivation because it lacks character depth.
quote: Entry: #11 Title: Click, Click, BANG!
Alex sat next to the [solitary<--[Why not use "only"? It could possibly allow for another word to fit in the 13.] window in his cramped apartment. He held a cup of espresso balanced on his knee<--[Did he hold it, or was it balanced on his knee? Maybe he only steadied it] with his left hand[,] while right held a 9mm gun to his temple. He watched the world outside slowly wake as he [cocked and released the gun over and over with his thumb<--[Can't picture this. What kind of gun allows someone to cock and release with just a thumb?], [humming snippets of a lullaby he could barely remember from childhood<--Very long sentence. Why not make this separate and give it more power?]. In the distance morning blossomed in the sky over central park. [This was his favorite part of the day. It was as if with that first sign of light the universe was letting him on in a secret – a truth that others were too busy getting ready for work to notice. Twilight made his graveyard shift bearable. Its poetic, no?<--[This detracts from the pace and the thought pattern you just set up.]
Alex’s humming stopped abruptly and his trigger finger jerked.
The Voice was back. [Eh?]
'nuff said.
quote: Entry: #12 Title: Promises
"Alex Bacon."[Said Whom?]
Darkness beyond the glow from his laptop screen.<--[Darkness what?] Silent. [Eh?] Did he hear a voice?
"Alex Bacon." [Said Whom?]
Alone in his meager apartment.<--[Eh?] The gun, cold in his hand.<--Eh?] Did somebody call his name?
"Alex Bacon."[Turned me off already. I have read nothing happening. It's like a comic book without the pictures: incomplete.]
There. [Where?] He twitched as if stung by electric shock. [Why?] A jittery glance [From whom?] revealed the room to be empty, as usual. He felt a twinge of disappointment, and frowned at the unexpected emotion. What was so compelling about that ephemeral whisper in the dark? He held his breath and strained to hear the siren's [What siren?]call again.
I see what you were trying to do, but it wasn't achieved for me. it really is like a part of a comic book. Too many fragments make it unclear that you know how to do anything else. Here's where Arthur Clarke's rule really applies: "Our job as writers is not to write so that the reader understands, it's to write so that the reader can't possibly misunderstand."
My votes:
Title: #4 A Prose by Any Other Name
13 lines 1st Place Hook: #4 A Prose by Any Other Name 2nd Place Hook: #8 Dispair and the Muse (Very close to #1) 3rd Place Hook: #2 Will Write for Redemption
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 20, 2008).]
posted
These were hilarious. Very difficult choice. I'll send crits on the rest after voting closes. good job, all.
Favorite title: The beginning or the end
First fav: entry 8 Second fav: entry 4 Third fav: entry 3
Entry 8: the muse This is well written and intriguing. I'm interested in seeing what these immortal being want with this poor hack. High stakes.
Entry 4. A prose by any other name. Very funny. I keep asking myself to ignore the inside jokes, but I can't. Alex's obscession comes through as motivation. He wants something that the online people are intent on withholding from him
Entry 3, the unwritten adventures. The talking photo grabbed me. I'm interested to learn what this overcaffeinated, suicidal writer can do for the dying world of hatrack.
posted
Favorite Title #6 Ink and Soot. Speaks to his occupation and his wish and possibly hints at a future connection between the two. Mary Poppins here we come.
First Place # 8 Despair and the Muse
I really like the angle. I wonder if there was even more of a hook on the next line or so. I suspect a comedy evolving but must say that many readers will not understand the irony of death and the muse of comedy and poetry standing over a person as they teeter on the "precepice". I am sure they are about to find out. I believe the last paragraph could have been tighened up. Perhaps take out the first line, start with the second [He seeks to live as strongly as he seeks to die.]and change the third to something like "He has yet to decide"
Second Place # 11 Click, Click, Bang!
Great hook. I liked how I was drawn into the moment. I did have difficulty with his actions and his attitude. He doesn't seem very upset so why is he holding a gun to his head just as he is feeling that life is "bearable" I love the last line. A few words switched in phrases or missing [second line, "left hand while [his]right held a 9mm" "letting him on in a secret" instead of "letting him in on a secret" Minor glitches. I liked it.
Third Place # 9 A High Price
Why is the devil always a woman? I wonder. It is a classic position. I am sure his soul is on the line. I do beleive that some of the dialog could be removed. First line "not one vote". I may also tighten up the rest. Remove the first line second paragraph to the comma and if leaving "He Failed". I may also remove the first sentence of the last paragraph "it was a dream, what..." and start with "I don't understand"
[This message has been edited by rednancywannabe (edited June 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by rednancywannabe (edited June 22, 2008).]
posted
Entry 1: If I hadn't read the synopsis, I think I would be a bit lost. We learn there is Alex typing, but what is the gun that is unloaded? Does Alex want to use it? I'd keep reading a bit, but would hope that the scene would become more clear.
Entry 2:Interesting place to start the scene and good character development. Some of the writing was a bit awkward for me. For example, the breaking up of the dialogue "I must - ... - win" was difficult; too much time passes between the first part and the second part that it becomes an unnatural speech pattern. I love the concept of the MC bargaining for a victory. I would keep reading.
Entry 3:You fit many of the story's elements into the first 13, which is good. It is very clear where the story is going. A couple of nits: Mr. Ortiz calls Alex, "Mr. Bacon," but we don't know that's his last name, so it becomes confusing. Also, "filling his boxers" is something I find occasionally in writing, but is on my list of pet-peeves. Is it a cliche or did he literally s his pants?
Entry 4:Not bad. You get right at the heart of the forums. I can imagine pathetic ole Alex wasting away a week trying to win the coveted prize. The limit of your first 13 is that it would only appeal to those who are on the forum. It wouldn't make too much sense outside of the readers who are reading this intro.
Entry 5: We're right in the action right from the beginning. I found this to be an acceptable first 13. I don't really have any constructive comments. Perhaps a little heavy on the dialogue for the start, but no complaints from me.
Entry 6: We learn about Alex, his espresso habit, and his sense of failure. I struggled with a bit of the writing, however.
"as long as it continued to medicate him:" what is it? I didn't understand this. Also, sentence beginning with, "The reasons for," I found a bit awkward.
Why a coin flip for his survival? Hmm.. I guess I better keep on reading...
Entry 7: Interesting place to start. Nice use of dialogue. I didn't quite grasp at your intention with Fido pulling the trigger and Alex trying to grab him. Was it a real trigger or was he just pantomiming what Alex had just done? I'm a little confused, but would keep on reading.
Entry 8: Wow, you are definitely an SSF writer. You took a simple story line and added a large speculative element to it. While it's not my style at all, I can appreciate where you took the story and it probably would appeal to others. Your creativity will give you one of my votes.
Entry 9: Nice hook. I'd keep reading.
Entry 10:The listing didn't work. Also, where is this going? Where's the hook?
Entry 11: What synopsis is this? A chimney sweep with a graveyard shift? No mention of him being a writer. Writing was decent (minus a few grammatical errors). Would have liked to see the story being more revealed in the first 13.
Entry 12:Okay start. I'd keep on reading. No real complaints.
My Votes:
First Place Story- 9) A High Price Second Place Story- 8) Despair and the Muse Third Place Story- 5) Hitting the Bottom
Best Title:Ink and Soot
[This message has been edited by psnede (edited June 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by psnede (edited June 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by psnede (edited June 21, 2008).]
An odd approach to this one. I didn’t like the first line, way to open ended. The POV appears to be Alex’s in the first paragraph then becomes Fido’s. The last one made it interesting though.
Entry #2 Title: Will Write for Redemption
I like the title. This one I found intriguing, I got the feeling this is about to become a ‘selling ones soul for…’ type of story.
Entry #3 Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon
A good title, but I don’t know. I am intrigued about the ‘bakery accident’ but that’s not what this is about, too bad. Alex appears to be losing his marbles.
Entry #4 Title: A Prose by Any Other Name
Two weeks in one sentence makes this weak (see, puns aren’t difficult). The joke on the last line was something else. I am told that it helps to sell a story if you know your audience, but such a small audience this is aimed at.
Entry: #5 Title: Hitting the Bottom
You know, I liked this one. It shows Alex as a narrowly focused man, much like that Burgess Meredith character in that Twilight Zone episode ‘Time enough at last’. Good job.
Entry: #6 Title: Ink and Soot
Another good title. I am intrigued by this one. I though the prose was grand but I confess I didn’t like the coinflip.
Entry: #7 Title: “Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge”
Interesting, but the last line seemed a little forced. I liked the idea that a ghost would be after writers but it isn’t quite hooking me.
Entry: #8 Title: Despair and The Muse
Hmmm, supernatural beings. Alex is talented? I don’t recall that in the synopsis. As it is I find it somewhat hooky. Well written.
Entry: #9 Title: A High Price
Another ‘sell your soul for…’ story. I did like that first line, loved it in fact. That made it hooky by itself.
Entry: #10 Title: The Beginning or The End
This had the feeling of a miniature prologue. I would probably read on. I am having difficulty place this on where it should rank against the rest.
Entry: #11 Title: Click, Click, BANG!
If I didn’t know what the synopsis was about (and I should judge as if I don’t) I would be completely intrigued with this. Well written. Nice job.
Entry: #12 Title: Promises
Not a bad prose but this left me confused. I would like to know who or what (espresso machine?) is saying his name by now.
First I would like to congratulate the Doctor for thinking of this synopsis. Nice one.
Best title Entry #2 Title: Will Write for Redemption
First Entry: #5 Title: Hitting the Bottom
Second Entry: #11 Title: Click, Click, BANG!
Third Entry: #9 Title: A High Price
A nice job by everyone. I really enjoyed reading them all.
posted
Entry # 1 Title: Who Laughs Last? A good concept. Was lost by POV, unless of course the writer was going for omni.
Entry #2 Title: Will Write for Redemption I liked the first paragraph, let us know right away who Alex was. Seemed heavy on the customer and his trash though.
Entry #3 Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon God help me I liked this one, I say this becaue it was the, he whimpered, filling his boxers, that had me rolling, even though it was a saidism. The first paragraph was good. The image talking seemed funny versus scary.
Entry #4 Title: A Prose by Any Other Name "jiggled" seemes like an odd choice of words, twitched, shook, trembled. But I loved the character, the inner dialogue was perfect. The play on names were great. Not sure on the POv of the smile on the bony face.
Entry: #5 Title: Hitting the Bottom Someone has been spying at my house I see. Just kidding. Read well. Two nits, one, stronger verb of the bottles in the garbage. And I didnt get a speculative element.
Entry: #6 Title: Ink and Soot This was interesting. I was taken out of the story, on Alex had a job to do... For some reason I gather I was well grounded in Alex's pov that it read like he was referring to himself in the 3rd person. Not sure what the speculative element was.
Entry: #7 Title: “Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge” Intersting, but a little confusing. Maybe trying to get too much done in a short time. I gather Alex was a ghost looking down on his own death. Could have been a little more clear.
Entry: #8 Title: Despair and The Muse I liked this one, spooky, intriguing. Not sure where its going yet. Only nit for me, i would lose the, Thanatos whispered tag. I don't htink its needed. And I got the impression they were spirits, so why whisper if no one could hear you.
Entry: #9 Title: A High Price I thought the part from "Now, now... and the brunettes appearance could have been tigtened. I liked the concept. I would lose the dialogue tags. Alex sobbed. made him feel like a cry baby. she tempted, wasnt needed. The dialogue already covered it. Could have been left with just the beat, she moved closer.
Entry: #10 Title: The Beginning or The End Tough one. I liked how it read, up to the list. I think it may have been better put jsut in a sentence. Also, a lot of thought, but not a lot of action. I feel it was setting a scene, but not acting the scene.
Entry: #11 Title: Click, Click, BANG! "while his right held... The sentence It was as if, read odd to me, could be reworked cleaner. Overall I liked it had a good mix of thought and movement.
Entry: #12 Title: Promises Whoa! Deep. My first thought was this read like poetry. I loved the last line, the siren's call.
Best title Entry #9 Title: Click, Click, BANG!
First Entry: #8 Title: Despair and the Muse
Second Entry: #11 Title: Click, Click, BANG!
Third Entry: #9 Title: A High Price
Good job to all. I enjoyed everyone. Thanks to Doctor for the synopsis. I fear that Tearagain will be shedding more tears this week.
posted
Entry # 1 Title: Who Laughs Last? Sets up an interesting scenario – I would keep reading. However, I found a few parts somewhat awkward (the 2nd sentence is hard to parse, it’s not clear Fido is the butcher, and the last line mentions “the gun” without any previous reference), that kept me from enjoying this as much as I could have.
Entry #2 Title: Will Write for Redemption The quirkiness draws me in, and it’s well written. I might’ve liked it a bit better with Alex’s dialogue after the man asked the question and opening with the image of the birdnest falling out of the chimney.
Entry #3 Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon It’s a good scene, but I’m not hooked. Maybe it starts off too slow? Could probably cut extraneous stuff about "crits", "baking accident" "caffeine" and just focus on a depressed writer being interrupted in his suicide attempt by a picture. In itself that’s a good hook, I just think maybe this needs to be tighter / flow better.
Entry #4 Title: A Prose by Any Other Name Given the synopsis, a Hatrack spoof was inevitable, I suppose. A satire about online amateur writers’ crit groups would be awesome. But satire is hard – you’ve got to start with a grain of truth, blow it WAY out of proportion and still keep it “believable”. I didn’t feel this had enough real content to interest me.
Entry: #5 Title: Hitting the Bottom The dialogue was good and the scene is clearly written, but it sounds like the beginning to a romantic comedy. Based on the content, I would not continue reading. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand what the “bottles in the garbage” refers to.
Entry: #6 Title: Ink and Soot Love the idea of an appliance with a name! I thought there were a few awkwardly worded parts (“… but not the whole.”) There’s no real spec element/hook here, but I care for the character, and hence would read on.
Entry: #7 Title: “Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge” A good effort, but I think it’s written specifically for this group. Without knowing Fido was a baker, the “scent of yeast” reference is confusing (before I made the connection, I thought it had something to do with death). And would a typical reader be expected to know “first fifteen” and “forum” this early in the story?
Entry: #8 Title: Despair and The Muse I give this top marks because it seems like exactly the type of story I would enjoy reading. Hooks are so subjective. Beyond that, the prose is excellent and it flows well.
Entry: #9 Title: A High Price I don’t see anything specifically wrong with this, but it reads like it might be a Young Adult story. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not my preference. It’s fine, I’m just not compelled to turn the page.
Entry: #10 Title: The Beginning or The End I like the tone of this. The narration and the bullet points make it feel like we’re reading from some “overview of Alex’s life” textbook, which tends to set it apart from the rest of the entries. The hook is there – I’m interested in why he faces this binary choice.
Entry: #11 Title: Click, Click, BANG! It’s very well written, but there were a couple of inconsistencies that took me away from the story. I didn’t feel that Alex enjoying a sunrise so much was in character with someone depressed enough to be on the verge of suicide. And “graveyard shift” makes it seem like he’s at work, when the first sentence mentions he’s in his apartment.
Entry: #12 Title: Promises It’s dark and moody, and appeals more to the senses than to the intellect. I’m wondering who’s calling his name, but is there enough scene/character to create a hook?
------------
First Pick: #8 Title: Despair and The Muse Second Pick: #2 Title: Will Write for Redemption Third Pick: #10 Title: The Beginning or The End
Not certain what is going on here. Are they watching him via a camera? The first bit feels like telling and telling should perhaps happen a little later.
Entry #2 -Title: Will Write for Redemption
I liked this. Avoid using ‘these’ to emphasis a word in text. The sentence works without them—they are to be avoided.
Entry #3-Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon
I liked this—especially the last line that I had to cut because it was TOO LONG. But still good.
Entry #4-Title: A Prose by Any Other Name
Funny—but I don’t know how well it would fair without the insider knowledge we have-pretty good.
Entry: #5-Title: Hitting the Bottom
Nicely written, although only a very subtle hook. Characterization is there.
Entry: #6-Title: Ink and Soot
I think the last line kind of kills the hook—he doesn’t care so why should we. It is well written otherwise.
Entry: #7 -Title: “Rescuing the Fifteen Line Challenge”
I am slightly confused—probably just being dumb—about what is happening here.
Entry: #9-Title: A High Price
‘Sexy’ is telling as it is usually a matter of opinion. Describe her sexiness however briefly... Pretty good.
Entry: #10-Title: The Beginning or The End
The list put me off, otherwise the prose was nicely done but there was what felt like an info dump.
Entry: #11-Title: Click, Click, BANG!
Nice, not too hooky but atmospheric.
Entry: #12-Title: Promises
The reactions seemed muted; none of them touched me. I was left thinking why he didn’t react more to the voice first time he heard it. By the second occasion of hearing the voice I would be calling the police. Still not bad.
First Pick: Entry #2 -Title: Will Write for Redemption
Second Pick: Entry #3-Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon
Third Pick: Entry #4-Title: A Prose by Any Other Name
Best Title: Entry #3-Title: The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon
Results--EntryNumber---Title---Author 5---1---Who Laughs Last?---Grant John 22---2---Will Write for Redemption---Kathyton 10---3---The Unwritten Adventures of Alex Bacon---rednancyw 15---4---A Prose by Any Other Name---snapper 13---5---Hitting The Bottom---Unwritten 4---6---Ink and Soot---Allied five 9---7---Rescuing the Fist Fifteen Challenge---Tiergan 34---8---Despair and The Muse---skadder 22---9---A High Price---stammsp 10---10---The Begining or the End---psnede 21---11---Click,Click BANG---Devnal 3---12---Promises---Jeff M
1st: Despair and the Muse by skadder
2nd: A High Price by stammsp; Will Write for Redemption by Kathyton
3rd: Click,Click BANG by Devnal
Best Title: Ink and Soot by AlliedFive
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 23, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 24, 2008).]
Now I can tell you my story. I actually liked it, I just failed to pull it off. Not sure if I was trying for too much, or I just didnt spend enough time on it to get it to work out. Anyways, here's the skinny.
Alright so, Fido the dead Baker was going around telling writers of the 15 line challenge to kill themselves. Alex did, and turned into a spirit like Fido. Fido insinuates, that he is going to keep convincing writers to off themselves. Alex says he is going to stop him, hence rescue the 15 line challenge.
Congrats to all again. Well done. You better do as well with my synopsis this week
posted
Nah, I came second last week! I won the week before that.
stammsp--correct, I forgot to add in someones vote, added it in and rechecked the order but failed to see they were equal. Thanks for the heads-up. For future reference there will always be a first, second and third--no matter how many people tie for each place.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 24, 2008).]
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