Images from the blue world grew in the holocube. Vast oceans spread across its surface and unmistakable signs of advanced life were evident even from the upper atmosphere. Square parcels of land set aside for farms, sprawling cities full of lights; Earth was a civilization ready for contact. According to the Sun-seekers, its people hadn’t much time left. L-zari studied the image of the target. It had wavy black growth on its head called ‘hair’. A pair of eyes set for a binocular frontal view. Ears that were set off to the side and a bump that served as its nose. Qrazim pointed at the alien. “Peter Gillespie prefers his fellow humans to be of a single breed. Unfortunately he has miscalculated with his ‘species thinner’.” Qrazim ear fans waved
L-zari gripped the underside of the branch with her leg scales and turned to sense the court official far below. Safe within the sanctuary of the stone circle, he leaned against his ship and watched the rise of First Sun above the distant mountains. The official snapped his head round and glanced at the ground to his left. Was there another sirath nearer than her? L-zari scanned, picking up a minute thermal bloom to the right of the official. She pointed a finger at the heat source. A bone pushed out through the tip and soundlessly fired a dart. The ground by the official erupted in a cloud of dust as a sirath convulsed in agony. The official jumped back. L-zari used the distraction to flip from the tree and land silently behind the official. The long bone-blade from her arm slid out.
Peter Gillespie stared at her in amazement. She had a beauty that any man would long for. Her eyes gleamed from behind the brown strands of hair that seemed to dance in the stagnate air. It wasn’t her appearance that left him speechless - it was the fact that she was here, undetected, in his high-security compound. His eye caught the police-issued laser pistol in her hand. All his life’s work had come down to this. He was on the verge of breakthrough and it all would end here, foiled by a woman in a cocktail dress. A small controller rested behind him on the desk. He slowly stretched his arm back for it as she raised the weapon towards him. He heard the buzz of a laser as he pressed the button on the controller and disappeared.
L-zari waited outside the compound’s security fence, invisible to human eyes. The device in her hand showed the biosignatures of every living thing inside, but the one she watched had not been alone for several hours. She needed him alone to carry out his sentence.
Galactic law required that she read the accused the specifics of the death warrant issued against him before completing her assignment. L-zari’s gut tightened. It was more than the man had planned on giving his own planet had he succeeded in spreading his deadly virus through its population.
Her device hummed, flashing red. Peter Gillespie was alone.
L-zari transported herself into the man’s office, pinned him to the wall with one arm and began reading him the charges.
Peter liked dangerous women--especially blonds--but this was a little... extreme. After kicking down his office door, the woman stopped to relate a ridiculous science fiction story. Peter just stared at her while she prattled on for minutes. Apparently finished, she made a knife appear from her loose gray robes, and started towards his desk. It was official, the chick was crazy. Still no alarms, no guards, no help. He was on his own. He quickly dug in his shirt pocket, knowing he didn't have much time. This had better work, he thought as he pulled out the device controls. The woman flipped the short knife, catching the blade between her thumb and forefinger, before snapping her arm forward in a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 02, 2008).]
L-zari turned into the alley, opened her coat, and let it trail behind her. She laid her head back and smiled, letting the rain kiss her flesh and trace her curves. She had no idea why the humans hated rain. This was living.
A man burst from the shadows and slammed her into the wall, a knife to her throat. “You scream and I’ll kill you.” He pushed her jacket back. His eyes dropped as he fumbled at his pants with his free hand. “Damn girl, those are lethal!”
He stumbled, fell, and laid still. Blood pooled beneath him.
The scythe withdrew back into L-zari’s flesh. The man had died so easy. Were all humans this fragile? She would have to remember that. It would be a shame to kill her mark before she fully understood what LEAP was all about.
L-zari's doubt concerning the Sun-seeker's information grew. She had seen no bio-equipment in the compound. This human had evaded her weapon. She looked at the small box he had dropped. There were things she needed to know. Peter sat quietly. "There are no deadly viruses here. I'm not a Bio." He nodded toward the broken controller unsure if any movement would startle the lithe, green eyed woman with the gun pointed at his head. "That's a LEAP controller. It controls my location, my now and where." She nodded. Could this human have stumbled on instantaneous travel? The Sun-seekers might want to keep that to themselves. "Come." She motioned him toward the door. " Time to visit the Sun- seekers."
L-zari slid out from the leathery cocoon, slapping down into a puddle with the most frightening sensation it had ever experienced. With its ten soft nimble fingers, it clawed away the mucilage from its mouth, frantically, and gasped a deep breath. L-zari had emerged a new woman—a human woman. Its soft flesh slipped around in the viscous embryoplasmic fluid, trying to stand. Mild confusion continued as neurons and glial cells wove and linked themselves in its newly formed brain, then its own brain core connected and began assimilating its instructions. Assassinate Peter Gillespie
Liked the panoramic suggested in the first couple of sentences. Quite well written. Very little scene setting. The hook is the micalculation of the species thinner and to a lesser extent the fact Peter Gillespie is named as the target--although these don't actually leave me with any major unanswered questions. Mildly hooked.Entry:
# 2 Title: Not a Whisper, Not a Scream.
Good scene setting. Clear. L-zari is hunting the court official--I guess we will be told why, although she also seems to be killing other sirath? Confused but in an OK way. Overuse of the word 'Official'. Hooky.
Entry # 3 Title: Out of the Mother's Womb
She is in his high security compound and he has a desk behind him. A little more of the actual scene the event is happening in would be better. 'His eye caught..' if someone pointed a gun at me it would be the first thing I saw--the reaction he has noticing her hair, her beauty etc. before the weapon is odd. Also POV violation--to her he dissapeared, to him everything dissapeared. No real hook.
Entry # 4 Title: To Rule the Stars
There is too much telling in this story. 'The device in her hand..." sentence could have been changed to "She checked the bio-scanner she held. Her target was still not alone...". Just an example and no longer telling. Then you tell us that 'Galactic law required she read..." when later in the 13 lines you tell us that she does exactly that. Seems a waste of some of your 13 lines. Still a mild hook, situationally.
Entry # 5 Title: Knife of the Sun
Like this one. Title is good. Some telling. Some good characterisation. Hooked.
Entry # 6
Title: “She killed a man just to watch him die.”
Is the title a summary of the intro? Sounds a little like a an explaination incase the reader doesn't understand the story. There are elements in this story which I have to guess at--what was lethal, the scythe or was it a comment on her breasts? I only wonder as he seemed about to rape her and their is no indication that he has been hurt at the stage he speaks--he doesnt gasp or anything. Hooky though. The mention of LEAP at the end seems out of place and forced.
Entry: 7
Title: Doubt
This entry was well written but I think you tried to put in too much--who are the sun-seekers? They in themselves aren't a hook as you have built up no real mystery around them. You have POV issues. POV's from L-zari and Peter is unsure if any movement would startle the woman. If this was omniscient you have failed to esthablish it properly. The actual prose is good, otherwise. Problems aside--hooked.
Entry # 8 Title: The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales
Best Title. I considered this as a starting point but thought it would more popular than it was. Mucilage? Embryoplasmic? Glial Cells? Man, I have to read my dictionary more! I think you could have attribute a sex to her, she looks like a woman, call her a her. Also some clearer explaination of her feet slipping about in the gloop, rather than the unspecific 'flesh'. This was my favorite intro, plus title vote.
Pick One: Entry # 8 Title: The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales (PLUS TITLE VOTE)
Pick Two: Entry # 5 Title: Knife of the Sun
Pick Three: Entry: 7 Title: Doubt
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 04, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 04, 2008).]
Entry 1 - Good setting description. I would like to be a little closer to the action, but in general - good hook and I'd keep reading.
Entry 2 - This one is right in the action, but I struggled to follow it. The "thermal bloom" was something, but we have no idea who or what she is firing at. "A bone pushed through the tip..." I know this is referring to the tip of a finger, but I had to read it twice to figure it out. With the above criticisms mentioned, the prose is nicely written and I would most likely keep on reading to find out the hook element.
Entry 3 - Easy enough start. I could do without the cocktail dress. Even though she is an alien, it doesn't fit the scene.
Entry 4 - This could start nearer the action. Some "telling" by saying that she had to read his sentence, and then a few sentences later actually reading the sentence. Decent hook and decent writing.
Entry 5 - This is setting up a more comic piece, like an old detective novel. I like the writing style quite a bit, which alone would keep me reading for awhile. Peter's lack of nervousness may distract us from empathizing with him, but good start nonetheless.
Entry 6 - I like the scene you set to introduce L-Zari. It would probably need to be extended so we know who this human is and why he is attacking her. Decent start... I'd keep reading.
Entry 7 - POV shift in the 2nd Paragraph. Peter's explaining of LEAP doesn't make any sense outside of reading they synopsis. The prose is decent, but I probably wouldn't keep reading.
Entry 8 - I have a very good visual image of the scene. The hook is there, as well as my interest in the metamorphosis. Very nice job.
********
My votes:
1st Place: Entry 8 - The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales 2nd Place: Entry 5 - Knife of the Sun 3rd Place: Entry 1 - Looking Before You Leap
Best Title: The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales
posted
I haven't read the prompt, so this should be interesting . . .
entry 1: Looking The fact that these beings are looking at earth in a holocube in such an analytical way makes the think they are aliens. sun-seekers is confusing and unexplained. The statement about Peter G isn't making sense. I like the description of earth in the cube, the way it illustrates the viewers' attitude, rather than just telling the reader that some aliens are watching.
entry 2: Not a whisper this is intriguing situation. I was confused by sirath -- another sirath, I guess, meant that L-zari is a sirath. there is good drama, narrative tension. I don't get a sense of her personality, beyond highly competent assasin.
entry 3: Mother's womb the pronouns for the woman at first intro is off-putting. try identifying who he's looking at -- a woman -- otherwise, nice action scene. Hints of Peter as a James-Bond type inventor? scientist? disappearing is a good trick
entry: Stars I like this bit of pause by L-zari before jumping into the action -- just a line or two gives the reader some space to settle in to the story. I think the line "it was more . .. " is more than we need to know here-- too much telling. My take on this one is that L-zari is some kind of intergalatic interpol and Peter has been convicted of crimes against -- the earth? entry 5: knife this one has a lot of personality by taking the reader into Peter's head. funny and interesting. but, we seem to have missed the action, and Peter wasn't very impressed by the crazy chick entry 6:she killed a man Very anime. great visuals. It's an action vignette that shows Lzari's powers and introduces her mission. well written. entry 7: doubt nice unfolding through dialogue and processing by Lzari. I take it sunseeker sent her, I still cannot picture who or what that is. this scene seems like we missed something important. entry 8: the lion good sensory images, quite vivid. Lzari was modified in someway to look human and its directive is to kill Peter. well written.
this is tough; they are all very good. I think the most successful pieces balance clarity about what's going on and my interest in the characters
first fav: 6 second fav: 8 third fav: 4 title: #2 Not a whisper, not a scream
posted
4 voters and 8 entries, and less than 24 hours to go. Sounds like their will be a few floggings.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Entry # 1 - The first paragraph feels pretty passive and detached. A little confused by the second part. Not sure there’s a hook.
Entry: # 2 - Somewhat unclear that it’s the official who’s watching the sunrise. After that the action is pretty hard to follow. I liked the dart/dust part. Not really hooked.
Entry # 3 - The first sentence made me roll my eyes at the romance novel description. After that it gets better. Would he be reaching “slowly” for the remote if a gun was pointed at him? Mildly hooked.
Entry # 4 - Good job. Clear prose. The “It was more than the man had planned…” sentence didn’t work for me as constructed. Hooked.
Entry # 6 - Does “let it trail behind her” mean “dropped it”? I’m picturing it flapping in the wind behind her. Other than that, really good. Good hook, some humor, good action.
Entry # 7 - Not your fault, but “Sun-seekers” is a mental tongue-twister for me, and therefore ruins the rhythm of your first sentence. You switch POVs to Peter, and then back to L-zari, which felt like a little much in the first 13. Hook is present.
Entry # 8 - “with the most frightening sensation it had ever experienced” kind of threw me… maybe it’s the “it” pronoun. Other than that, really good job. You managed to throw in some technobabble that I didn’t stumble on at all. Nice job setting the hook in the last three words.
Picks:
1st - Entry 8 2nd - Entry 6 3rd - Entry 4
Best Title: Entry 2 - Not a Whisper, Not a Scream.
I really liked the first portion of this piece, but to me it got confusing when the two interacted.
Entry: # 2 Title: Not a Whisper, Not a Scream.
quote:L-zari gripped the underside of the branch with her leg scales
Great opening image.
Overall this was one of the most interesting to me. The only real problem that I had with it was that the information seemed rushed. I chalk this up to trying to squeeze too much into the intro. I have done the same thing myself.
Entry # 3 Title: Out of the Mother's Womb
I questioned the motives for starting this in the mark's POV, but if I had not read the synopsis, I would have no qualms with this. It seems well written and interesting.
Entry # 4 Title: To Rule the Stars
quote:L-zari transported herself into the man’s office, pinned him to the wall with one arm and began reading him the charges.
You had me until this line. If it meant teleported, it would match the pace of the line, but then their would be the issue of teleportation. This line just seemed to set the thing into overdrive. Too fast.
Entry # 5 Title: Knife of the Sun
I liked the "pulpiness" of this one. It too seemed a little fast paced, but good nonetheless.
Entry # 6
Title: “She killed a man just to watch him die.”
Something felt slightly off about the characterization of the POV. I was hooked nonetheless.
Entry: 7
Title: Doubt
I thought this could be tightened and slowed a little, but it was well though, and it appealed to me the most.
Entry # 8 Title: The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales
Solid piece. I think that the prose could be tightened a good deal.
First Pick: Entry: 7
Title: Doubt
Second Pick: Entry # 1 Title: Looking before you Leap
Third Pick: Entry: # 2 Title: Not a Whisper, Not a Scream.
#1=looking before you leap I like the description in the first paragraph, for me, it does not flow with the rest. The description of the human was out of place for me.
#2 Not a whisper, not a scream Not quite sure how the attack on the other sirath fits in, but I really like the first paragraph.
#3 out of the mothers womb I like the idea, but a bit more direct action would be helpful.
#4 to rule the stars I like this one, but less telling me things would be better.
#5 knife of the sun Sounds like fun in a Bruce Willis sort of way. I would probably read on but would need to figure out how to sympathize with Peter or L-zari pretty quick.
#6 she killed a man just to watch him die Not sure why she is being attacked and what is lethal.
#8-The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales I like where you are going with the description.
Pick 1-- 8 The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales (and title) Pick 2-- 1 Looking before you Leap Pick 3-- 5 Knife of the Sun
posted
#1-It's a very thin line to try to porve something is "alien" without. I found it odd the MC had trouble with 'hair' but not eyes, ears, and nose.
#2-First paragraph. lost me. L-zari-her leg scales, then he leaned agaisnt his ship.
#3-Beauty - then stagnate air, didn't do it for me. But liked the story.
#4-3rd paragraph last senetence, about giving his own planet confused me. But the suspense of her waiting was good.
#5-I liked this one. Only nit, I would lose Peter just stared, we are in his POV I gather, and it would read tighter as She prattled on for minutes.
#6-lethal issue didnt throw me, I would gathered they were her breasts as if he saw the scythe he probably wouldnt say anythign, just kill her. But felt rushed.
#7-Read fine. No true action, seemed like a came late to the game.
#8-Good imagery. Good place to start. the 2nd paragraph, from Its soft flesh..instructions, I would almost do without, it slowed the pace down too much and made me think.
Best Title:entry#2-Not a Whidper, Not a Scream
First Entry: #5- Knife of the Sun Second Entry: #3- Out of the Mother's Womb Thrid Entry: #8- The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales
Doesn’t have that ‘reach and grab you’ type of hook here. Nice view of the planet. It could have used some minor rewording.
Entry: # 2 Title: Not a Whisper, Not a Scream.
Creepy title, sounds like one for a slasher movie. L-zari seems to have some gender issues. First a her, than a he, than back to a she. I can’t help wondering why these aliens are fighting. Wish I had more of a back story to this. I did think how L-zari produces her weapons were cool.
Entry # 3 Title: Out of the Mother's Womb
This wasn’t bad, however for an opening I would be wondering ‘what the heck is going on?’ A minor POV issue for me with and disappeared. If it is a tight POV, as it starts, disappearing wouldn’t be from his vantage point. It would read better without it.
Entry # 4 Title: To Rule the Stars
This I liked a lot BUT it doesn’t quite fit with the synopsis. The transporter is supposed to be Gillespie’s tool. Other than that I am hooked.
Entry # 5 Title: Knife of the Sun
Nice job. I’m pretty hooked, however it read like an info-dump. Dialog with action would have made this better for me.
Entry # 6 Title: “She killed a man just to watch him die.”
I really liked the first paragraph. The second one I had to read a few times to really understand what the man meant and what was going on. Hooked, to a point.
Entry: 7 Title: Doubt Nice approach, straight forward, a nice first paragraph. However, you switched your point-of-view in the second paragraph (not good) and "There are no deadly viruses here. I'm not a Bio." is redundant considering all said this in the first paragraph. You could have done well if you would have eliminated those problems. The title is very simple and says it all. Entry # 8 Title: The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales
This one was great. The only one that started with L-zari stepping out of the cocoon. Some of it read like techno-babble but it worked. A very nice job.
Best title: Entry 7 Doubt
First Entry # 8 The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales
Second Entry # 4 To Rule the Stars
Third Entry: # 2 Not a Whisper, Not a Scream
First place was clear but any of the rest were good enough for second or third. Nice job everyone.
Best Title - Entry: # 2 Not a Whisper, Not a Scream by Skadder
First - Entry # 8 The Lion Lies Beneath the Shifting Scales by BentTree 35 points
Second - Entry # 5 Knife of the Sun by Alliedfive 20 points
Third - Entry: # 2 Not a Whisper, Not a Scream by Skadder 14 points
A strong week. Every entry had at least two votes. Now here are the rest
Entry # 1 Looking before you Leap By Snapper 11 points Entry # 3 Out of the Mother's Womb by Psnede 13 points Entry # 4 To Rule the Stars by Stammsp 10 points Entry # 6 “She killed a man just to watch him die.” by Tiergan 9 points Entry # 7 Doubt by LAJD 8 points
posted
If anyone was interested my story starts with a court offical going to the Sirath home world and requesting an assassin. The ritual is that he would remain in the stone circle (a place of safety) until a Sirath managed to approach and touch him without being seen--they would thereby win the right to carry out the contract. Successful completion of a contract would give the assassin the right to breed so naturally they would compete lethally against each other to get the contract. This method of selection ensured that each subsequent generation would be stronger than the previous one.
I only mention it because it seemed to confuse a few people, although I am aware that in the 13 line competition I end up editing things to the limit of understanding.
posted
As a point of interest we start again this Friday with Annepin's synopsis. Whoever is doing the next synopsis must ensure it is sent to snapper by a week on Friday.
Also LAJD if you are going to comment on them all you should comment on your own so as not to to give the game away about who wrote it. It is a glaring omission on your vote post. You don't have to write a lot--I usually either rip mine to pieces or am mildly pleasant about it, depending on how I feel.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 08, 2008).]
posted
Thanks to all who commented, and apologies for my goofs. This was my first one. It was really interesting to see all the different approaches one could take on the excellent synopsis. Thanks for that as well!
Looking forward to the next one and the ones to come. Leslie
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