posted
Please post your first thirteen in this thread by Feb 10th, using the following format: Title: Word count: Genre: First thirteen:
Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread.
I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary. For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle: On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.
We give ourselves a week or so to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognizing that we can't all get to things immediately.
During the week after entries close, we - grade first 13s - request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)
By the last day of the month we - grade at least one manuscript - grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)
The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.
Scotty felt rainbow-winged butterflies of excitement in his stomach as he watched the carnival setting up. Scotty sat on his usual rock on the edge of town. He always stopped here to rest his bad leg. As he watched, he imagined the slowly revolving sound of the carousel and the piping of the calliope, the sweet-spun scent of cotton candy, the wet-meat smell of hotdogs. Out in the field, he saw the calliope go by. It was huge, with red and yellow stripe. The man pushing it was tall, with blond hair to his shoulders. He wore crazy clothes with patches of all different colors, and a long red and yellow scarf. Scotty noticed that the man’s fingers kept straying down to the keys of the calliope, as if he was impatient to be playing. The man looked toward Scotty with bright green-blue eyes.
Jacob was the only one to see the body of the woman floating down the river. The men had been digging up the new harvest of girls for hours and he’d started daydreaming. He’d spotted the body just as the men had reached the wriggling toes of the new girls. It bobbed slowly, trapped in the middle of a tangled raft of broken tree branches. He glimpsed a flash of chalk-white flesh and then it lodged under the exposed roots of a riverside tree and he could no longer see it. Jacob looked down into the pit. Once the diggers reached the toes, it became slow, delicate work. He reckoned it would be at least another hour. No one noticed him leave.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 05, 2009).]
Sprawled in the dust of the crowded square, a massive old dog was patiently enduring the rough play of half a dozen children. To Ferl, something about him felt... wrong. The little pouting breaths that always preceded Kiri’s complaining began in earnest. “But why can’t I? Everybody else gets to pet him,” she said. Distracted by the wrongness, Ferl answered his little sister absently. “Because I said so. That’s why.” He tried to turn away, but his own curiosity tugged and he stopped. Before he could change his mind, he took a deep breath and squeezed shut his left eye. He relaxed his right eye and waited for the scene to change.
posted
Title: Unrequited Genre: uh, fantasy I guess Word count: 5,200
"When is the star reporter going today? Rome at the Ides of March? Year One Bethlehem? World War II Hiroshima?"
Ewan threw out guesses like a game of twenty questions as he came up behind her in the bathroom and wrapped arms around her waist. Eva picked at a hair tangle while he kissed her neck. His flirtations usually amused her, but this morning she had no time. She should be there already.
"I gave Caesar an entire episode in first season, and Hiroshima is too contemporary. ‘Myths and Legends,’ remember? You’d know that if you actually watched my show."
Her snipe had the desired effect as Ewan let her go.
posted
Title: Merchant of Fortune Genre: SF Word count: 2500
Jenner posed beside a Mummy while Katrina took a picture. "We'll never see our Mummies again," she said. Jenner shrugged. "Who needs the British Museum when London's boiling to death? Fission power will cool us." Edna's voice interrupted. "We should probably Synchronize." Katrina scowled at the loudspeaker in the cargo hold's ceiling and mimicked, "You should probably stand by Elgin's Marbles -- I want a pic of them too." "But Edna called--" "She doesn't want me, just you." "You too," said Jenner. "Yeah? Then why's Shemanik on the Bridge?" "Because Edna doesn't think you've paid your dues," said Jenner.
You're absolutely right (and thanks, y'all, for waiting for me).
Yes, we can start grading first 13s, giving ourselves a week or so for that; and requesting stories to grade complete.
I'll be pleased to read and grade all the stories, so please feel free to send 'em. Please mark them "RFM Feb" in the e-mail title so I don't get them muddled with other traffic.
I like the colourful intro and I'm a sucker for carnivals and anything steam-driven. That it's musical is a bonus.
Blossom
- 5
Seems a bit macabre, probably not my taste. But I didn't mark it down for that so much as that Jacob seems distant, passive, hardly involved in the scene. We're in Jacob's POV yet all we know is that he seems to be watching (supervising?) "men" or "diggers". Yet their task is so odd, surely they'd have a more specific descriptor in his mind--"girl harvesters" or some such. And while a body in a river is strange to us, why's it worth investigating in a place where far weirder things appear to be happening?
Stereopsis
- 3
The last two sentences contain an intersting hook, but for me it's all undone by a mistake which OSC mentions in I-forget-which book: referring to characters by descriptor, then later by name, leaving the reader to figure it out. I had to read it three times before I got it. First I thought Ferl was the dog, then that Kiri was the dog and Ferl was the "she" ...
Unrequited
- 6
Six is a bit harsh for a nicely written scene, but I stumbled at the first sentence. It seemed like a typo. Once I read the rest of it I got it (and since I like time travel stories, I would read on), but I'm not sure that making the -- slush -- reader re-read is a good idea, especially if your name is not yet known to them. Once the time travelling universe is established, then, perhaps, such correct-but-startling syntax is okay; in the first sentence, dodgy, methinks.
Today I’m being a mildly evil slush reader. Liked all the 1st 13s, so perhaps I’m being especially generous…
The Calliope Man
7
It’s a pretty static 1st 13, but it still works because of the use of smell and colour. I think a hint of something unusual regarding the man (I recall reading this opening some time ago and someone hit on the fact it was a pied piper story) would help add to the hook. The fact that he is glancing down at the keys obviously has significance later, but this isn’t apparent reading it fresh. I’d like to see a little more of a hint of the speculative, particularly in regards to the man, but it’s a strong opening for me.
I’m particularly fond of the use of smells (wet-meat smell of hotdogs is *perfect*) to evoke the feel of the carnival. It’s one of the better openings I’ve seen on this forum for evoking a sense of place and that (with my evil slush reader’s hat on) would get me past the 1st 13.
Watch the repetition (two “Scotty’s” in a row for the opening) in the opening, but otherwise, very solid.
Stereopsis
4
The phrasing wasn’t quite right here and it didn’t grab me. The last line hints at something interesting (but it isn’t quite defined). I’m not sure I’d get past the opening paragraph if I was an evil slush-reader. Nevertheless, the opening 13 hints at an interesting premise, so I’d probably
Title: Unrequited 6
I don’t like dialogue openings that much, but this one generally works. I didn’t pick up the syntax error first off as my mind automatically read it as “Where is the star reporter…” but when I did notice it, it immediately put me off.
Regardless of whether time travel/observation is commonplace, I don’t think a change in syntax would be natural to say. He’s more likely to say “What time period are you visiting today?” IMO. Purposely messing up the grammar would sound unnatural to his ears.
Title: Merchant of Fortune
5
I didn’t get a strong sense of place nor character from this opening 13. Not a lot is clear from the opening dialogue exchanges and I’m not sure that the dialogue exchanges are natural (i.e. why would Jenner tell Katarina that London is boiling and that fission power would cool them given that Katrarina presumably knows both these facts?) and too much is left unanswered from the dialogue exchanges. I’d be willing to wait for an explanation of Synchronisation, but the non-payment of dues, the fission power, etc. are too much for me in a first 13.
posted
Quick question for TaleSpinner and Nick: If I changed the first word to "Where" instead of "When," would that leave you with any other concerns with the first 13 for "Unrequited"?
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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No, it works well once you change that. I'd probably make some minor edits, but I think they actually fall into the realm of personal style rather than actual problems for the slush reader.
For example, I don't typically like opening with dialogue sans orientation, but most people can handle it without any problems.
I did find the first non-dialogue sentence a bit long as it contains three actions. I'd probably break the second last line up "Her snipe had the desire effect. Ewan let her go" as it makes it clear that her snipe led to Ewan's reaction, but that's so nitpicky as to be counterproductive.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 09, 2009).]
posted
Merchant of Fortune: 4 There’s just too much going on here. Too many characters, too much information and not enough context. The best suggestion I have is to slow down the pacing and give me a little more of who these people are, where they are, what they’re doing and why. Of course I’d never expect anyone to manage all that in 13 lines. Maybe what I’m looking for is a slower setup.
Stereopsis: 4 After reading the first two sentences, I’m confused about who’s who. Is Ferl the dog or someone watching the scene? And who is the “him” that Ferl is referring to? Clear up the identifications, and it’ll read better. I also don’t have a good feel for the setting or genre. A crowded square could be in a medieval village or another planet or a giant spaceship. (And in a nitpick, “was enduring” could become “endured,” saving you from a split verb and an unnecessary “was.”)
Blossom: 6 I remember seeing an earlier version of this at the short-story forum. So, you caught my attention enough then for me to remember this opening. The whole idea of harvesting girls and toes sticking up out of the dirt is enough to keep me reading. The reason I’m not giving it a higher mark is because I think the writing itself could use some tweaking. But as you mentioned with my 13, it’s probably a matter of personal preference.
The Calliope Man: 6 Nice visualization. I love the colors and the description. What you’ve written feels like a carnival, so kudos with that. I’m interested to keep reading to see if you can keep that up through the whole piece. The writing could be tightened and polished, though. You start the first two sentences with “Scotty,” which is too much repetition for me without a reason for it. You also seem to be missing an “s” on stripe at the start of the second paragraph.
quote:You start the first two sentences with “Scotty,” which is too much repetition for me without a reason for it. You also seem to be missing an “s” on stripe at the start of the second paragraph.
I actually thought I had fixed those Scotty's. The stripe, no s, is intentional though. Maybe not the best idea since most people wont know why its there but...
posted
Jennifer, yes, it would work better for me. I hesitated at "You'd know that if you watched my show," because I think a gentleman should watch his lover's shows, enough at least to understand them; but maybe that's just me being olde fashioned. (And should it be "... wrapped his arms ..."?
(Thanks Nick and Jennifer for your comments to M of F. It's clearly too dense.)
Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited February 10, 2009).]
posted
The Calliope Man: 4 Good sense of setting, I think I feel what I'm supposed to. I must admit that I am not really hooked by it. The interest in the carnival is just not enough to draw me in. I'd need a hint of something wrong or conflicty to keep me reading. I echo the double Scotty, it was distracting.
Blossom: 7 Really like this one. I have no nits with anything technical. Very creepy, but the MC's lack of reaction to the bodies is a hook in itself. Good job.
Unrequited: 5 I'm not that in to time travel stories, but I can't find anything particularly wrong with this opening. I will say that it does rely solely on the reader being intrigued by time travel itself, rather than presenting some mystery or conflict to draw the reader in. Agree about the "when"; had to read it twice.
Merchant of Fortune: 4 Lots of dialogue without any sense of setting or who is where. Good news is that it's well written dialogue. I feel like the hook is in the first sentence, which is good because after that I get lost in the dialogue.
Between the floating dead body and the digging up of girls you've got plenty here to catch interest and make a person want to find out whats going on.
Stereopsis-7
Also very interesting, especially Ferl closing one eye and waiting for the scene to change. The line where Ferl thinks there may be something wrong about "him" could possibly be improved. I assumed him refers to the dog, but it is maybe a little unclear.
Unrequited-8
I don't care for time travel myself, but you've got a nicely packaged begining here...a television show where people can actually view the past (I assume.)
Merchant of Fortune-5
I agree that theres just to much here. I'm fine with slower paces in terms of my own reading and expecting a story to unfold. This kind of thing can work for some styles, but I doubt thats what your going for. Focus on something :-)
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 10, 2009).]
I forgot to mention, send your stories on, I've directly asked for the others.
Talespinner, I thought someone else piped up on the main forum thread that they wanted to critique stories, but didn't want to participate? I can't remember whether it was a regular member or someone new.
I find myself wondering a few things, like where the heat is coming from.
Ending-8
In the context of a story this short it works very well.
Milieu-6
It could use a little work, but then its a very short story. I'd like to know more about the time period, world situation etc.
Disbelief-7
No problems here, however I think this is more science fantasy than straight science fiction what with all the will stuff and the musical engines (of course I like science fantasy better anyway)
Unique-8
I've seen more or less all the individual elements before, but I think its a pretty original blending.
Dialogue-6
Pretty good for the most part...most of the issues stem from not being sure about the time period and culture. Theres a little of what I call the "golly jee wiz" factor (which I've mentioned to you before) and the occasional use of profanity doesnt help, it just feels out of place. Theres a couple of exposition heavy spots, but its not too bad really.
Writing Style-7
Pretty well written...as usual for me with your stuff my only real gripe is that some times theres a hint of feeling that your trying too hard to be positive and upbeat. Not as bad in this one though.
Also, unrelated to style but related to writing, theres quite a few typos, especially ommited words, still in the manuscript.
Action-
There wasn't really any.
Understandable-6
I got it pretty much but a little more background info wouldn't hurt.
A nice story, and tied up pretty well for its length. I think a little more information (why is Shemanik's will supposedly stronger, where exactly are they in the ship while everything is happening in the holo-world and a bit about how that works, where the heat is coming from etc) and a little polish to the dialogue and I think you're good.
posted
Yes, Nick, Joseph Forrest expressed interest in critting--Joseph, if you read this, please do feel free to join in, though if you'd rather hold back until you have a story yourself to contribute, that's fine too.
Everyone, we're into the last phase now, exchanging stories and grading etc; please feel free to do so as and whe, by the end of the month if possible. And thanks for your continued interest, participation and worthwhile stories.
And thanks Merlion for such a quick crit--and an encouraging one. For me this is the grading scheme in action: I can see quickly where I need to apply most polish ... anyone got a large can of polish?!
I'm very ambivalent about this story. Theres things a like about it a lot, and some things I'm not so crazy about with it. And whats weird is, both those things are true, some times in oposing ways, on the level of my own personal taste and writing ideas, and the level of its readiness for publication in current market trends.
Anywho, here it goes.
Story Overall-7
This could probably be an 8. Its a very well written story, and I think it could even get grabbed up as is, but theres a few things I feel can be improved further.
Character Development-7
Pretty good, especially for the main character and the floating lady. Although, you never see any of the characters in any context outside of the main events of the plot
Plot-
This is tough with this story. The main plot events and progression is good, a 7 or 8. However, there is to an extent a lack of background that leaves a little headscratching feeling, also the explanation for why things came to be as they are comes across a little weak, so on that level more of a 6
Ending-7
Basically good, again suffering a little from the slight lack of context that I feel.
Milieu-5
I'm not sure how much of this is my personal taste. A good job is done of weaving in the necessary information about the setting and circumstances without being info dumpy, but I'm still left with questions and without a strong sense of setting or...history for lack of a better term. I'd like to know more about the "life cycle" and the nature of the...people...in the story.
Disbelief-6
The nature of the people in the story and there odd life cycle hovers somewhere between being pure metaphor, so it doesn't really matter, and science fiction, so it kind of does.
Unique-9
Never seen anything like it. Possibly too unique or unusual for its own good, a little.
Writing Style-8
Technical prose quality is extremely high
Action-
Again there wasn't really any
Understandable- for the basic events of the story 7, for what underlies them, more like a 5
I'm not really sure...its a great story, and very well written. For me, I felt a need for more detail about the nature of the species and their life cycle and maybe a little of their history or day to day way of living to give a greater sense of context. However, I am very unsure if thats a taste thing or not...with just a little polish it may very well be quite saleable even without that. I realize that their weird life cycle isn't really the point but like I say above I felt a hovering between metaphorical device and science fiction detail.
But I'd say one way or another this one will most likely see publication.
posted
Sorry for the delay in sending my story to those who asked for it. The most updated version is on my computer at work (stupid of me to leave it there and not copy it to my e-mail), and I'm on my weekend. I'll send it out tomorrow.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Story Overall- 6 - All the individual elements are there for this to be an above average published story. I think they just need to be tweaked and shuffled around a little.
Character Development- 7 - I think it's good enough for the length.
Plot- 4 - This score might be misleading, because I think the plot is there. This 4 is directed more at the structure/pacing.
Ending- 7 - Good, promises kept.
Milieu- 6 - It's enough I think. Although I don't get a strong feel for the time period.
Disbelief- 5 - Had some trouble with a couple things in this area. Mentioned them in my in-story comments to Pat.
Unique- 8 - It was for me. I don't read much Scifi, but this felt really fresh to me.
Dialogue- 7 - Seemed adequate.
Writing Style- 7 - Seemed good, didn't notice any prose problems. Writing seemed clear and concise.
Action- 5 - Wasn't much, maybe this should be N/A
Understandable- 6 - I think the main plot was understandable. I did wonder how the engines and travel worked exactly, and the whole "London melting" thing. But I'm ok with it being a little mystical.
With some tweaks, I think you'll be able to sell this one easily. Seems like the shorter stuff is in demand. Good luck!
Story Overall- 5 – There is one glaring plot problem where Scotty does the stupidest thing possible in order for the plot to work. If you can fix that, then this story is good to go.
Character Development- 5- I didn’t feel as if Scotty was a whiner or self-pitying, which is a challenge given the plot element of his leg. The one significant character issue is the plot decision, which changes our perception of Scotty. It makes him appear stupid. Furthermore, it makes him appear as if he’s purposely ripping off the Calliope man rather than making an understandably bad decision. The character of the father is a bit of a non-entity and I can believe you can get rid of him without much loss.
Plot- 4 – As above, the one plot issue really curses this story. If that can be fixed, the plot is a seven. While the progression of events isn’t a surprise, the story is solid.
Ending- 7 – The ending makes sense and fits what you’re trying to do.
Milieu- 8 – The carnival is wonderfully evoked. The place-setting isn’t as good away from the carnival, but nothing that causes the reader problems.
Disbelief- 7 – Nothing that caused me problems.
Unique- 6 – Not especially unique, but neither is it cliched. Good enough for what you’re trying to do.
Dialogue- 7 - Seemed adequate.
Writing Style- 7 – Writing was solid, very strong in evoking the carnival. I’ve suggested line edits, but nothing struck me as especially bloated.
Action- 7 – I tend to think of “action” as “Does the protagonist drive the story?” If Scotty wasn’t in the story, then none of the events would have happened, so it gets a 7 from me.
Understandable- 7 – It’s a straightforward story and nothing is difficult to understand.
Story Overall- 6 – Good idea, good clean plot, confusing mechanics of species, lack of urgency.
Character Development- 5 - The development you concentrated on is good, but (as I said in my email) I think you need to develop the antagonist at least a little in order to lend some urgency.
Plot- 8 – Clear and good. Though it felt slow because of the lack of anything really stopping the MC from accomplishing his goals.
Ending- 8 – Good job here.
Milieu- 4 – Cool idea (the growing people thing), pretty indistinct otherwise. I assume medieval because of the swords, but nothing else really going on here.
Disbelief- 4 – My lack of understanding of the life cycle hurt this.
Unique- 9 – Really cool, unique idea.
Dialogue- 9 - Great. Never thought twice about it, which is the ultimate compliment.
Writing Style- 7 – Good, clean prose.
Action- 5 – Could be N/A, but if you punch up the drama by developing the antagonist, there could be some
Understandable- 4 – Everything was clear and good, except the life-cycle stuff.
I think you can easily make this salable with a few tweaks. Good job!
Story overall: 7 I enjoyed this story. It held my attention all the way through with a good idea and a strong ending. Just a few minor complaints, which I’ll mention below.
Character development: 7 Jacob is likeable and his motivations are well-developed. He’s easy to root for. I was a thrown by Adam’s sudden agreement to go along with his son’s wishes for the girl after he had been so adamant about following the rules earlier in the story.
Plot: 6 This is an idea-based story, which I generally don’t enjoy as much as one that is character-based. That’s just a personal preference. It unfolds in a logical and believable way. Still, not much external conflict stands between Jacob and his goal. The one plot hole that bothered me is I didn’t get why the old woman was dying (wounded, sure, but why was she wounded?) or why she had been floating down the river.
Ending: 8 Clever way to end it. Good job.
Milieu: 5 This is where I struggled the most. It wasn’t until the explanation on page 17 of how the sowing of the girls works that I started to get a clear picture of what was going on. It’s a great idea, but it needs to be explained more clearly higher in the story. And when I get to the end, I’m still not clear on why the village is having so much trouble growing boys.
Disbelief: 6 I was thrown from the narrative when Adam suddenly switched his “loyalty” from the men’s tradition to what his son wants. A smoother character transition would help. Also a clearer explanation of the sowing and harvesting would help.
Unique: 8 Never seen anything like this before.
Dialogue: 8 Didn’t see any problems there.
Writing style: 7 You have a clean and clear writing style. It could be a tad tighter. For instance, the first paragraph I think would be improved by eliminating as many “ing” verbs as you can.
Action: 7 No problems.
Understandable: 7 Would get an 8 here if the milieu stuff got cleared up.
The potential underlying the story is obvious; it’s mostly a matter of resolving some dangling plot elements and ensuring that the magic system is explained up front. There are also some plot elements that I couldn’t believe. Once these are resolved, it’s a solid story.
Character development: 8
One of the strengths of this story; the motivations behind Ferl’s actions are clear and understandable.
Plot: 5
While the plot is solid, there needs to be resolution of promised plot elements. As noted, dream sequences can often be a huge turn-off if they’re not properly flagged.
Ending: 6
A little bit predictable, but all-in-all pretty solid. I wondered why Herdezio would suddenly grant the happy ending, but it worked out as expected.
Milieu: 5
The use and costs of magic are never really explained. You could take the magic out of the story and it would still largely work the same…it appears to add a bit of foreboding, but that’s it (and could be easily replaced by hallucinations, etc.)
Disbelief: 5
In the context of the genre, this is fine. I’d like more about the costs of magic. Having said that, as the magic appears to do nothing except give creepy visions the costs are low…but why do you need it? Clarify the role of the magic and it becomes stronger. My main sources of disbelief come from plot elements: 1) Jaquez letting Ferl see where the McGuffin was. 2) Herdezio granting the happy ending for no real reason.
Unique: 6
While firmly in the fantasy genre, the idea of the stereopsis is fairly unique. However, not enough is done with it.
Dialogue: 8
Didn’t see any problems there.
Writing style: 5
A lot of passive phrasing scattered throughout the text, but this is easily removable. Other than that, fairly tight.
Action: 7
No problems.
Understandable: 6
As noted, it needs to be clear exactly what Ferl is doing to convince Jaquez take him on as an apprentice. Is he visiting him every day, begging for a chance? Other than that and the magic system, every element in the story is pretty understandable.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 17, 2009).]
posted
Unrequited. by Jennifer Campbell Hicks Story overall: 5
While the story itself is fine in context, the fact of the unlikeable main character brings out issues that could normally be overlooked. If we can get a more balanced picture of Eva, then I think issues such as the clash between SF and fantasy, etc. tend to vanish. Character development: 4
In morality stories, I still think it’s important to have facets to the unlikeable main character. Eva still needs to get what she deserves, but I think we need a better understanding of why she is the way she is… Plot: 6
The plot is solid. Nothing is really that unexpected once Eros comes into play, but there is nothing glaring. I did question whether a popular television program would be the first to travel to particular eras (especially given how often tabloid reporters are like bulls in a china shop). I’d also leave the question of time paradoxes well-alone; I don’t think they matter as you’re not trying to write hard SF and they’re really tricky to deal with.
Ending: 7
As per the plot, the ending progresses as we need it to. No problems plot-wise.
Milieu: 5
The junction between soft SF and fantasy is a little bit problematic, but mostly because of the character issues. I think I’d overlook them if Eva was a little more sympathetic.
Disbelief: 5
As above, the appearance of Eros in a soft SF story is a little more plausible once we’ve got a more sympathetic Eva. I can suspend a lot of disbelief for a character I understand.
Unique: 7
Mixing soft SF and fantasy is fairly unique.
Dialogue: 7
Didn’t see any problems there. Writing style: 7
Didn’t go through it with a fine-toothed comb, but I didn’t notice anything either. I’d probably leave out Action: 7
By and large, the story wouldn’t happen without Eva, which satisfies my criteria for action. Understandable: 7
Straightforward. Information is given when the reader needs it.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 17, 2009).]
Story overall: 6 I like this story, but I can’t quite say it’s ready for market yet. It’s close.
Character development: 7 I like Scotty. He seems like a good kid who has problems both normal and abnormal but deals with them the best he can. The other characters – The Calliope Man, Mom and Dad, the bullies – I didn’t get a good feel for as people. They seemed to be there more as plot devices.
Plot: 5 I like whom the Calliope Man turns out to be. That’s a good twist. However, Scotty’s motivations, the things he wants, which of course drive the plot forward, aren’t made clear into well into the story. There’s no mention of the bike until two-thirds of the way through, and I wasn’t clear that the thing he desired most was to have his leg fixed until he asked it of the Calliope Man. It also seems that Scotty gets what he wants way too easily – no obstacles in his way at any point.
Ending: 5 My main complaint is that Scotty doesn’t seem like a stupid kid up until he chooses to cheat the Calliope Man. He knows what happened before and even considers it before he dismisses it. I was left thinking that he deserved what he got, which for me was an unsatisfying ending.
Milieu: 8 The carnival is very well-drawn. I love the sights and sounds and smells.
Disbelief: 6 Scotty’s blatant stupidity and dishonesty at the end is why this isn’t a higher score. It just seemed out of character from what I’d seen of him in the rest of the story.
Unique: 7 Haven’t read another story like it.
Dialogue: 7 No problems here.
Writing style: 7 The description was all spot-on. Loved it. I think the use of the name “Scotty” was overdone and could be replaced by “he” at many spots.
I think I'm all-done on this challenge. Let me know if I've forgotten someone or there's something else that needs to be done.
Cheers,
Nick
Merchant of Fortune. by Tale Spinner Story overall: 5
The milieu and concepts are strong, but some facts need to be put up front in order to avoid confusion. I do think it needs a fair bit of re-writing in order to focus on the driving character, but the story itself is sound.
Character development: 5
There’s nothing wrong with the character development per se, but the short length of the story and the five characters doesn’t allow us much time with any single one of them. There are some very nice descriptions that give us insight into the minor characters, but the main ones don’t make an impact because of the diluted focus. Plot: 6
The plot works okay, but I’ll note that the conflict (how to get home) is very easily solved. Maybe the struggle can be more focused on Katrina’s struggles to be accepted by the group?
Ending: 7
As per the plot, the ending progresses as we need it to, I’d just prefer to see more steps in the way to reach the ending.
Milieu: 7
Strong milieu with some interesting science-fantasy elements.
Disbelief: 7
Nothing pulled me from the story. The tone of the story clearly flags it as science fantasy, so there’s no quibbles from me about the mode of transport.
Unique: 7
Doesn’t trade on any clichés or repeat a well-known story. Dialogue: 6
There are some minor instances of what I thought could be “As you know Bob” speech in order to avoid info-dumping. Nothing too bad and can be easily fixed. Writing style: 7
No serious errors that I really noticed. Action: 5
I tend to view action as “do the actions of the protagonist drive the plot?” In this story, Jenner (the nominal protagonist) doesn’t really change the story; Shemanik makes the story happen and Katrina provides the resolution to the conflict (one which is quite easily overcome). I think the story needs to be focused on Katrina and her doubts about being a proper member of the team.
Understandable: 5
The purpose of the trading expedition needs to come up front as the 1st page is extremely confusing and dense without it. Once that information is in place, everything else makes sense.
I found this a haunting little story, with some memorable ideas and images, yet it was hard for me to suspend disbelief. I understood this as a story of man's inhumanity to women, and sympathize with its ideas. But in the execution I couldn't accept the central concept of burying the women and the lack of critical thinking in the men. For me it needs either an element of speculative science (perhaps a planet with different biological laws from ours and BTW the two moons are mentioned way too late), or an element of fantastical metaphor to make it seem other-worldly . As it is, it feels flat, with the odd behaviour of the men weakly motivated.
1 character development -- 6
The woman who dies, for me, was the strongest character. Jacob seemed rather confused, realistically perhaps, but a vaguely annoying character to spend time with. His father seemed rather too willing to kill his son, then to agree too easily that burying the women was wrong. The other men were too generic, too ill-defined, to feel scary or intimidating.
2 plot -- 6 3 satisfactory ending -- 5
I understood the ending, but somehow it seemed like the start of the real story, of Jacob's change and change for his village.
4 milieu -- 5 5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 5 6 unique/never been done before -- 7 7 writing style -- 6
The writing itself is clear and direct, which I like.
I enjoyed the story for the colours, smells, sounds and energy of the carnival, the calliope and the characters. I very much like the little observational details like "... the man’s fingers kept straying down to the keys of the calliope, as if he was impatient to be playing ..." I liked also the idea of bringing in Hamelin, but was disappointed that Scotty, having made a deal with the the calliope man, rather predicably reneged on it and paid the price. A different ending, not so predictable, would improve the story for me.
1 character development -- 8 2 plot -- 7 3 satisfactory ending -- 6 4 milieu -- 8 5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8 6 unique/never been done before -- 7 7 writing style -- 7 8 dialogue -- 7 9 action -- 7 10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8
Stereopsis (2nd version)
I like the writing and the imagery. Also, I like the concept of the special way of seeing, that helped with his art.
But I felt there was a problem with motivation for the main characters. What's the object? Why does it matter? Why does Ferl suddenly decide to betray his mentor? Why does Jaquez choose to trust Ferl after he admits the deception? And why does Jaquez make Ferl wait so long for the apprenticeship, then grant it despite hardly knowing him?
1 character development -- 6 2 plot -- 6 3 satisfactory ending -- 6 4 milieu -- 7 5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 6 6 unique/never been done before -- 6 7 writing style -- 8 8 dialogue -- 7 9 action -- 7 10 understandable ("I get it") -- 7
Unrequited
For me this is almost a smashing story. I like the characters, their interactions; and the idea of going back in time and recording significant events and people is interesting. The speculative element was quite believable. But I had two problems with the story.
First, a simple fix. When it turned out that no translators were available, I thought, "But it's a time machine. Go back another day, when translators are available. Or, why don't they plan ahead to avoid such inconveniences -- or buy more translators?"
But for me the real problem was Cupid's motivation, and the "everyone loses" ending. As you know, good stories involve a change in the main character. In this story, not only does Eva not change, she seems to be left in a situation where she never can. Further, revenge and wishing her permanent dysfunction seem inconsistent with the values of a god of love.
One final point, probably not hard to fix: the rationale for multiple gods to have gone out of favour in the modern world seemed to me slightly light.
(And, I happen not to like sad endings, but that's a matter of taste of course.)
1 character development -- 6
It would have been 8 but for the god's behaviour, which for me was inconsistent with the values I would expect a god to live by. (Of course, my expectations for gods might be too high.)
2 plot -- 6
It would be 8 but for the way it traps Eva instead of changing her behaviour.
3 satisfactory ending -- 6 4 milieu -- 7 5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8 6 unique/never been done before -- 8 7 writing style -- 9 8 dialogue -- 9 9 action -- 8 10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8
Character development: 4 I got a good feel for Nye and Shemanik, both of whom are interesting and fun characters, but I didn’t get a good feel for any of the others. Jenner felt like a non-entity, there only because someone needs to pilot the ship. Edna didn’t seem to be a strong enough leader for the role she was playing. I also don’t know who the main character is supposed to be. There’s a major split of focus there.
Plot: 5 Sorry, but I didn’t feel like much happened. The plot has a good, solid structure: a goal is presented, obstacles stand in the way, but still the goal is achieved. But I guess somehow I expected more to occur during their journey, or that achieving the goal would be harder than it turned out to be.
Ending: 5 As I mentioned above, I think the climax needs more oomph to it. Raise the stakes, raise the jeopardy factor, make it harder for the characters to achieve their goal, and the end would be more satisfying. I think also if I had more of an understanding of and investment in the characters themselves, I would be more satisfied with how their story ends.
Milieu: 6 The description isn’t really there for how anything looks, so my imagination was left to conjure up a stereotypical ship and bridge a la Star Trek. Also I was a little confused about the how the virtual reality bridge thing works, but it’s a cool idea. But the ideas behind how the ship works are great.
Disbelief: 5 I found it hard to totally immerse myself in the story because I didn’t have a good feel for the characters or the setting.
Unique: 8 I have never read about a ship that operates on music, which is an awesome idea. I also love the silver thread theory. Wonderful stuff there. The ideas in this story are original and interesting.
Dialogue: 6 At times the dialogue comes to fast and furious, and they’re talking about stuff I don’t understand and have trouble following, especially at the beginning. But the words and rhythm feel natural.
Writing style: 6 The writing itself is fine. I think overall, though, the story moved too fast for me. My suggestion: Slow down the pace, especially the section before they get to the bridge, and take more time to develop the situation, scene and characters.
Action: 6 They bounce around space to places they don’t want to go in their very interesting spaceship. It’s a solid premise but one that lends itself more to talk than action.
Understandable: 6 I was very confused at the beginning, trying to follow who was whom and what they were doing. But as the pace slowed down, I understood everything just fine.
Hope this helps, and sorry it was a couple of days late.
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