posted
7 entries made it in. The names will be withheld until the judging is complete. Good luck to you (the full combined manuscript is in the email).
Entries: Story #1: Spit in the Face of the Wind
quote: I am the one who decides if you find heaven. I, who watch you. I, who see the turns of your imagination, the images therein, and the darkness you try to hide. I have that power and you ignore me.
I am here watching you, even when you do not see me. At the baseball game, perched at your desk, I see you. I watch you even while you sleep, like a demented Santa Clause.
I watch you when your children are laughing, when your children are crying, when you ignore your children to find your own piece of spotlight. Your children are crying and you ignore them. Can you not hear them crying, can you not hear their need for you? What kind of parent are you?
I sit and I judge.
Story #2: Dancing On The Street Of The Damned
quote: The road to hell is a twelve-lane highway. The road to heaven is a narrow path that is easily lost.
Phillip Fishbourne never forgot that sermon but always assumed it pertained to a man’s time on Earth. It took death for him to truly appreciate its meaning.
One moment he saw himself lying in state, wearing a suit while holding the rosary his grandmother gave him when he was a child. Then he stood in the middle of a fog with a group of people. Phillip started walking. Within minutes, he found himself alone, walking on a thin path. He continued to walk, sticking to the path and holding firm to his rosary.
Phillip lost track of time but wasn’t concerned. If God chose to have him walk alone for eternity than so be it.
Then, without warning, the fog dissipated. The arch to the
Story #3: Suppression
quote: Xyrus watched the dancers bend in synchronization. If the dance was perfect, the rain would come, invoked by magic. Xyrus yearned to join the dance. There was a hunger in her arms to lift and express her soul in the complex movements, but she couldn’t.
She was a Derval, one of the renegades. It didn’t matter that it was her grandmother who first came, broke and haggard. Dervali couldn’t test for the dance.
The dancers raised their legs perpendicular to their bodies. It wasn’t the magic she wanted, or the fame, but the dance. She closed her eyes and let her arm rise through the air. No one was around to see her. She did a slow spin.
“Stop!”
She opened her eyes and felt her face turn red. One of the
Story #4: Odd Jobs
quote: Derran hiccupped once as a bomb detonated near one of his Seeks. Just once. Not a problem.
No doubt Brian felt the seizing of Derran's diaphragm like a slap in his chest. Brian was first generation. He questioned Derran with a grimace.
Unofficially, Brian was Derran's bodyguard. Officially, Derran had no idea why he came to Mexico. The two of them sat among a throng of hunkering adults and comm equipment acting as the center of field ops for the mission.
Derran shook his head to say "don't worry about it" before pushing himself higher on his wall. Staring down to the street, he waited for Donna to come out into the dusky dawn.
The bomb hadn't kept Bravo Team from their target. They rushed into the street, where they dropped the drug thug's body.
Story #5: Rave Nights
quote: Friday night at nine o’clock the only--and I mean ONLY-- place to be in Chicago is The Streets of the Damned. It’s not your average bar-scene and it’s not full of your average bar-stars. You won’t find groups of horny Jocks standing around the table’s ogling their equally horny, less self-worth, female counter parts as they give a soft-core show on the dance floor, practically frigging each other off to the newest boy band Billboard Top 100 hit.
Don’t get me wrong; The Streets of the Damned is for dancing, but it’s for the true dancers. I don’t go there for anyone else, or to impress anyone. I dance for me.
There are no tables in The Streets of the Damned, and the only “standing around” done is in the line outside.
Story #6: From the Ashes
quote: The rain fell, gathering on the lines crossing Draeken’s face. He ran his fingers along the cold wet stone, tracing the scripture of death. He had waited too long. Tears mixed with the rain. It was over then.
Footsteps sounded light on the damp earth. A young woman stepped from the darkness. “Did you know him?”
Draeken rose. “Not as well I should have.” “You’re his brother!” Her face went pale. “I see it in you!”
“No.” He was my grandson. Or was it great grandson. He didn’t know anymore, and it didn’t matter. Blood was blood.
She held her lantern up, the flame hissing in the rain.
“You’re family. The eyes don’t lie, cold steel, gray and blue.”
“Yes.” He brushed by her frail frame. “But far removed.”
Story #7: On the Streets of Hell
quote: Kelsey sprinted across the room, nearly tripping several cardboard boxes in her haste to answer the phone. “Kelsey Adams, future New York businesswoman,” she sang.
“Ms. Adams, this is Morrison from accounting.”
“Oh, hello,” Kelsey said. Her fingers tightened on the receiver. What possible reason could her new company have for calling her at her home phone number?
“I have some bad news. It seems that we cannot bring you to New York after all.”
Kelsey’s laugh was a short brittle sound of disbelief. “You mean, my move is delayed?”
“No, Ms. Adams.” Morrison sounded brisk, almost bored. “Given the current financial situation, we will not be able to bring you here or employ you in any capacity.”
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 17, 2009).]
Story one: Spit in the Face of the Wind. I don't like first person very much, so my crit may not be of much use to you. I think you start way to many sentences with the word I. The tone of the first thirteen is solid, the hook for me is wondering who the I is.
Story Two: Dancing in the Streets of the Damned. I like the first thirteen, but there isn't really a hook. Phillip seems passive and kind of weak, and the hook would be if he gets into heaven, I don't really care enough to find out. I think you may be starting in the wrong place. I would like to see you start earlier, show his character, and make the reader care if he can get into heaven or not. Perhaps you could start with him watching his own funeral and then leaving the mortal plane to find his heaven.
Story three: Suppression I like the idea of magic invoked through dancing. A good solid first thirteen.
Story four: Odd Job. A lot of things are happening in this first thirteen, you kind of throw us into the story, but the writing seems tight. Although I'm not sure what's going on, I definitely will keep reading to figure it out.
Story five: Rave scene. I dig it. Great voice.
Story six: From the ashes. Great first thirteen. I like that you slowly reveal the world of the story one hook at a time. Great beginning, wouldn't change a thing.
Story seven: On the Streets of Hell I like the first thirteen here as well. I like how you start so upbeat, and then slowly turn more morose. It's well written, but there isn't really a hook for me. She wants to go to New York, but she can't. Seems like a bad literary cliche.
My rankings of first thirteens only,
First place: Story six, From the Ashes. Second place: Story five, Rave Scene Third place: Story three, Suppression.
posted
Story 1 Spit in the Face of the Wind I don't mind first person POV, but the "you" as if you're talking to the reader is a little odd for me. I'm hoping there's someone this thing or person is talking too. The hook is wondering who this person is and who they are judging.
Story 2 Dancing on the Street of the Damned I liked this one. I like the twist that the narrow path to get to Heaven is literal. I'm very hooked by what Phillip will see in his afterdeath.
Story 3 Suppression I like the dancing and magic. I'm interested in seeing where this one goes.
Story 4 Odd Jobs This one took me a couple of read throughs to figure out. The sentence "No doubt Brian felt the seizing of Derran's diaphragm like a slap in his chest," confused me. I'm hooked enough to keep reading. I'm hoping it clears up soon.
Story 5 Rave Nights I loved the clear voice in this. Great characterization. I'm hooked and would definetly read on.
Story 6 From the Ashes I like the tone. It gives strong images and feeling without much description. I'm very hooked on why Draeken feels he's too late and how he lives so long. Nice job.
Story 7 On the Streets of Hell I immediatly like Kelsey from the first sentence and am devestated with her as she learns her job is gone. I'm wondering where this is going. It almost feels like a complete story as it is.
1st: Rave Nights #5 2nd: From the Ashes #6 3rd: Dancing on the street of the Damned #2
posted
Is it time alreadY?!? Man, I got to start paying attention to these threads. Well, let's see how everyone did.
Story #1: Spit in the Face of the Wind
I, ya, ya-eye. Too many I’s. Very biblical. The MC is one self-absorb dude/god/alien (whatever it is). No ‘e’ in Santa Claus. Sounds like the opening to a blockbuster film staring the latest action hero. It might work in a surround sound theater, but not here or for me.
Story #2: Dancing On The Street Of The Damned Phillip is doing a lot of walking. Like this opening, it doesn’t appear he’s getting anywhere. The first paragraph is fine. The rest is developing slowly.
Story #3: Suppression Like the MC’s name. I could see a little trimming that should be done. The dance doesn’t intrigue me. Her desires do, somewhat. I’m mildly hooked.
Story #4: Odd Jobs My head is spinning from this opening. They are DEA commando’s under attack but not that concerned about it? A quick read and I would pass. I need to think about it before I decide whether I am hooked or not.
Story #5: Rave Nights The first paragraph is an attention getter but as I read on I started to feel a reader yeh about it. A story about a dance club? I hope there is more to it than that to satisfy my taste.
Story #6: From the Ashes
Mildly hooked. The prose hints of something bigger, but so far it’s just a man grieving over a relative in the rain.
Story #7: On the Streets of Hell Nice title. A very good opening. A eager MC has just gotten her dreams crushed in a phone call, and all done in the first 13.
1) Story #7: On the Streets of Hell (and best title)
2) Story #6: From the Ashes
3) Story #3: Suppression
I was very tempted to say there was a six way tie for second. It was that close but first was clear to me. I can see that the first 13 Isn’t as important as writing a good piece. It will be interesting to see who wins.
1) You can do a crit of the entire document and send it back. On the final day, Monday 2/23, I'll pass them out to everyone who didn't send that document. You are only required to give a line crit on your favorite 3, but it would be appreciated if a comment on those that didn't work telling why would be nice.
2) Vote for your favorite story by emailing me. We have an uneven number of contestants, so there shouldn't be a tie. In the even of a tie, I'll ask an unbiased voter to decide.
3) First thirteen critiquing is not required, though it would be nice if you could atleast point out what didn't work for you, or what worked in your favorites.
I will also try and critiue all of them, too. So everyone will receive at least one critique.
posted
Great job, everyone! I always love seeing the wide variety of stories that come from these challenges.
Story #1: Spit in the Face of the Wind The anger and disdain in the narrator's tone comes across well, but the judmental nature goes past the bounds of the story to be a bit uncomfortable. Still, my curiosity has been tweaked.
Story #2: Dancing On The Street Of The Damned Interesting. The trouble is, Phillip's lack of interest makes me less interested in where he's going. I thik he could be curious, or excited, or at least involved in his surroundings, and still keep the trust he shows in God.
Story #3: Suppression Lots of good info packed in here without making it sound like an info-dump or unnecessary; not easy to do! My main concern is that the idea of dancing for rain is very cliched, and could maybe be switched to another purpose for the dance.
Story #4: Odd Jobs Too much going on here, and none of it is clearly explained. Even for so short a story, I would focus on one of the paragraphs given here and expand it. Any of the ideas could still hook on their own, if properly explored.
Story #5: Rave Nights I would rather hear about what the club is instead of what it isn't in these first thirteen, especially if it could explore more about what is special about the club.
Story #6: From the Ashes The first paragraph seemed a little overdone. The hook for me came later, with his mysterious relationship and cold attitude.
Story #7: On the Streets of Hell Okay, so the MC has lost a job. Not really much info about where the story will go from here.
Favorite title: From the Ashes
First Place: Suppression (#3) Second Place: From the Ashes (#6) Third Place: Dancing on the Streets of the Damned (#2)
posted
Story #1: Spit in the Face of the Wind I like this beginning. I am a fan of the 1st person when done well. This was going well until the "your children are cying..." The piece seemed to go from general to specific at this point for me and I stumbled. My main concern is while I like this 13, if the entire story was like this, I don't htink I would make it throught. A little goes a long way.
Story #2: Dancing On The Street Of The Damned Another good first 13. A man clutching his rosary on his way to heaven, screams of a good chance at conflict. Can he get in? Or will he fall to hell? I know its a sudden fiction, but I would love to feel the path, its surroundings and such as he walked.
Story #3: Suppression I stumbled on the name, and the word synchronization. I guess there I never think of the word synchronization and dancing as the same. I think of dancing as fluid, and synchro seems jolty too me. I should say at this point, my only concerns over this piece were that line, and the names. I liked this 13.
Story #4: Odd Jobs Ok. I stumbled from the beginning, and had a hard time with this 13. But on 2nd or third read I liked it. There was a lot going on, and I felt it could have been slowed down a touch to better spread it out. A couple of the sentences had both Brian and Derran's name in it which always makes the sentences read harderfor me.
Story #5: Rave Nights I am more a novelist then a short story so I come from the show don't tell policy, and everyhing should be a scene. I think that in short stories, flash or sudden a little telling is not frowned on as much as novels. I liked the way it read. But i have no idea of anything about the mc, where the conflict is. I don't really have a sense of description of the street either.
Story #6: From the Ashes I liked this one as well. The first paragrpah seemed a little overdone, forcing a little emotion out of the reader maybe. intrigued by the age issue, from brother to grandson.
Story #7: On the Streets of Hell My main concern with this piece, I have 2 actually. I am not a fan of dialogue tags, so she sang. cut it. You don't need it the beat was alreay there, you do such a good job with the word spirnted, and the dialgoue. I already felt her exuberance. Trust your writing. The 3r paragraph the same. no need for Kelsey said. You have the beat right there. with her fingers tightening on the reciever. Again trust your writing it carries you well. My other concern is right now, I have someone lost their job. In this economy, it becomes relevent but not overly exciting or inticing for me.
Favorite title: On the Streets of Hell
First Place: Spit in the Face of the Wind #1 Second Place: Dancing On The Street Of The Damned #2 Third Place: Supression #3
Wow, I just realized I placed them 1,2,3. My #1 is based purely on the first 13, I have reservations as I said in the crit. If the entire piece is this heavy handed, I don't know if I can handle it, but it read well, sinister.
posted
If anyone is interested, I will provide a new (and unrelated) trigger on Tuesday. Same rules, except I'll be adding a twist to these challenges.
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Oh, gosh... I wouldn't be in for certain. I'm too deep in novel land right now, but then, I do seem to get really good stories from your triggers, IB! So it might be worth a brief distraction.
(edit because I had 'stories' and 'triggers' switched up there. This is what I get for posting at night; my brain is elsewhere...)
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited February 20, 2009).]
posted
I admire how each participant created a unique idea from the same trigger, and no one used zombies!
Story #1: Spit in the Face of the Wind The narrator is intriguing though inconsistent. The line about children made me think "you" isn't a person, because it's not the narrator watching a person watching children. At that moment, the narrator seems to be watching children who are a part of "you". Also, I'm not sure what "the baseball game, perched at your desk" means.
Story #2: Dancing On the Street Of the Damned I like the opening quote, because it told me the story is different than other man-going-to-Heaven stories. Phillip isn't zipping across the universe or floating through another dimension. I'm curious whether or not he'll lose the path.
Story #3: Suppression Magical dancing and an independent spirit. Yep, I'm hooked.
Story #5: Rave Nights Straight up: I'm biased against dance clubs. I don't want to read about a club unless the POV character is tracking someone down, starts a fight, or is a bouncer. All of the above would be interesting, too... Anyway, the writing is good, except for two phrases that aren't as clear as they could be. Using "self-worth" as an adjective looks like a cheat, and I'm not sure whether "true dancers" are professional dancers or not.
Story #6: From the Ashes The narrative teases and the dialogue is natural. I want to read more about these characters.
Story #7: On the Streets of Hell I'm not interested in what will happen to Kelsey. Her situation happens to people all the time, especially during our current transition period, so I don't feel like I'm going to learn anything.
RANKING OF FIRST 13s
1 - Story #6: From the Ashes 2 - Story #3: Suppression 3 - Story #2: Dancing On the Street Of The Damned
posted
As soon as I make it through the Witch's story I'll be ready for something interesting like this...I hope *gulp*
Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2009
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Also, Devnal will be late with his critiques (he emailed me a few days ago), but he will get to them when he can. I'll be late on critiques, too. I'm very ill. As soon as I have all the votes in, I'll let the winners know.
Then will com part two of the challenge: applying the critiques and mailing the stories out.
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Add me to the ill crew. Stupid cold. Happily, I'm almost done with my critiques; just one story left.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
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I recovered from my cold in a few days. Wednesday through Friday I slept when I wasn't at the office. (My supervisor wanted me there so she wouldn't get lonely.) I hope you two rest and get better quickly.
Posts: 1139 | Registered: May 2008
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quote:If anyone is interested, I will provide a new (and unrelated) trigger on Tuesday. Same rules, except I'll be adding a twist to these challenges. Just say the word.
The word
Can someone new get in on this? I missed this thread before, but I'd love to get in on it next time.
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited February 26, 2009).]
But, it won't be Tuesday (I guess you know that already.) I'm working on a different sort of challenge, one that will possibly help evolve the competition (and the challengers). After I get over this flu, which is finally lightening up a little bit, I'll submit the next challenge.
For all interested:
1) It will be a longer-timed challenge, so that the opportunity to polish the work will be available.
2) There will be no word limits--except that it will be considered polished when it's emailed.
3) Since my challenges are intended for submittal, that is a requirement at the end.
Everyone will have a few days to consider. We welcome all challengers, all stages of writers and complete support.
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Wow, you have to submit it. That's scary. I still want to try though. You can count me in. I'm anxiously awating the trigger.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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IB, when will we receive the critiques from this challenge? I'd like to see how well I (didn't) do before agreeing to submit an as of yet unwritten story.
Posts: 1139 | Registered: May 2008
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How does the points systems work? I'm not complaining or anything, just curious. I had assumed it was 3 points for first, 2 for second, and 1 for third, but there aren't enough total points for it to be that. Is it one point for placing in first, second or third? Just wondering.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
I didn't think it needed defining. Okay: I count up the votes, and the most wins. I thought it was apparent.
It doesn't have to be any one voter's favorite, by being the most voted for, it is a favorite of more people. IE: Highest number of votes (regardless of 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place) is the most votes.
If you liked Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, but your favorite YA buy was Artemis Fowl, Deathly Hollows would still be the winner by purchases. Get it?
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