Title:
First thirteen

When you see flaws, please make a version two. Don't edit the lines of the first thirteen. That way we can compare and contrast the improvements.

Don't forget to hook.
Thanks for playing,
~Sheena

God stood in his heavens with a shopping list. He was a man (surprise) and he wore long white robes that piled up in lines on his arms as if the robes were made for someone larger. You think God would have a better tailor.
He walked down the aisle of a ceiling-less, glowing, tinny music playing in the back ground, Super Walmart, and scratched an itch at the top of his beard. His sandals crunched on a floor made of diamonds. The cart he pushed was round, like a ball. It span in front of him on the diamond crunching ground, and every once in a while it would stop, and He would open a round trapdoor and pour the item inside. Elephants came in a wrapping that looked like a sugar taffy, humans one tiny toy doll. The oceans, surprisingly, came in a dry powder container with the words “just add water”

quote:

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Ever since she had come of age, the virgin maiden Sheena lived of life that best suited a genie’s bottle. Sorcerers, rulers, suitors, and treasure seekers: all sought her and fought to get her. Each one of them attempted to exploit her gift of purity. Over the last ten years, Sheena experienced more adventure than any warrior alive, and faced more danger than anyone of them dead.
Once, trappers wanted to use her as bait to capture a herd of unicorns (never a wise tactic). She was offered to appease a dragon (three different times). A dozen knights and princes risked life and limb to rescue her, only to be disappointed when the few that survived, succeeded. The frustration of her predicament began to mount for the maiden.

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Claire was a life mage. She wielded the powers of healing and cleansing. It was in her nature to be loving and kind. But behind that, there was also a hunger. She longed to learn more and become more adept at her chosen school of magic. She yearned for control over the essence of life itself. But she could learn no more without something that challenged her knowledge and skill. Her power was well-known throughout the land. The ill and afflicted came from all regions to be healed by her gifts. None of them were beyond her power.

King Fenrich knelt on the cushion beneath the towering statue of his father, along the wall stood Fenrich’s ancestry, all Gods now. His father’s eyes looked down on him. The sculptor had captured the dead king’s disapproving eyes. That gaze was familiar to Fenrich and for a minute he felt eleven years old and trying to explain to his father why he had failed at swords again. He folded his arms on the altar and dropped his head. There was more at stake than a sword fighting lesson this time.
“You should still be here Father. I am not the general you were.”
No, you never were. We both knew that. His father’s voice sounded inside his head and even in death his voice held that hint of cynicism.

The sun began to smudge the horizon as Brull pulled up at a clearing that had obviously been used as a campsite before. The massively built man quickly dismounted and put his hand to the firepit. He pulled out his Sword of Spells and stirred the ashes. Not far below the sodden ashes, coals still smoldered. His quarry couldn't be more than a few hours ahead.

Thank the Gods, he thought, I didn't bust my butt all night following the princess and those who took her from the King for nothing. I can't wait to catch up with them. Brull gave himself a crooked grin. He didn't care that the princess was the King's as a token of alliance from Amrea. This would be a nasty bounty with an unwilling princess.

Second Round - 2509 Words Major POV change now titled: Princess on the Lam

Pain shot through her body with every thud of the horse's hooves. "Portos, we must stop. I won't go on." To emphasize her plight, she pulled up. "Isn't that a clearing?" Princess Jasmine pointed into the woods.

Portos had no choice but to pull on his reins as well. "We'll camp here for awhile," he said. Did she detect the hint of a scowl on the face of her long-time love? The two men, who the aeromancer hired as servants/bodyguards, turned around and followed Portos into the woods.

Jasmine stood in her stirrups and looked back along the road. She could see a far-away rider barely coming into view leagues away.

A Burden of Purity - This one peeks my interest and I would read on. It could be better though if it didn't tell as much. The POV is distant and it leans toward being an info dump.

Life and Death - I feel like I'm reading a summary a someone's life and not a story. There is no feel of the character besides what the narrator is telling me.

In the Fullness of Time - I like the opening and it's interesting. The only thing that holds me back is that it's a little confusing. I feel like I'm missing a lot of important information that the MC already has, like why is his (I'm assuming) human daughter hanging out with and aligned with the aliens, and why doesn't he know that she's hanging out with the aliens. I'm hoping these questions resolve themselves very soon or else I would become frustrated with the story. The other questions this opening brings up - who are the aliens, how is the fate of the world in the balance - I can wait to find out.

The Gift of Purity is the grandest of all. Once of age, the magic in a virgin’s soul flowers. The longer you remain one, the grander it will bloom. A single maiden is worth a wagon of gold with it, while a dozen wenches but a copper without it.
Before I came of age, I was a child of starving peasant. Retaining my gift has allowed me to live like a queen. I have been swooned by princes and coddled by kings. I have ridden on the backs of unicorns and broken a centuries old curse. I have experienced more adventure in two years than the bravest explorer will see in a lifetime. My virginity granted my adolescent wish to escape a harsh and mundane life.
Heed my words, my sisters of pre-womanhood. Get rid of it before it is too late.