posted
I hate Emily Bronte too. I'm a sensitive guy and all, but those books were poorly written in my opinion.
EDIT: And I still need advice where to meet said girls. Talking to girls in class is super awkward, and I don't see many girls out reading around campus.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Are you at college? If so, cafes, coffeeshops, that sort of thing. I'm in high school, so my advice on this point isn't perfect, but I've spent too much time with my friends at their universities not to have picked a few things up.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Order hot chocolate and pretend it's coffee. Or order tea and act haughty and British. Call coffee the opiate of the masses.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
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I think you're on to something with the hot chocolate and calling coffee the opiate of the masses.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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My drink when I need to hang out at a coffee shop is typically a steamer. It's steamed milk like they'd put in a cappacino (or latte or whatever, I don't know) but without the coffee. Often available in different flavors.
--Enigmatic (just don't order the Cleveland)
Posts: 2715 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I don't like milk really (not lactose intolerant, just haven't been able to stand milk ever since I was an infant). Also, I got the Cleveland joke/reference. *shudder*
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Perhaps you should avoid publicly disdaining coffee until you know that the lady in question is not a coffee aficionado. I rather doubt snubbing her preferred beverage would endear you to her. Posts: 952 | Registered: Jun 2005
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Bitter? Moi? Nooooooo, an acrimonious divorce and subsequent breakups could never do that.
Anyhow, it's been statistically demonstrated that, as it applies to men, wealth IS attractiveness. I didn't make it up, and it isn't just the bitterness. Though, to be sure, there is a little bitterness in it. Just a bit of bitter.
The total bitterness overload is when I say that you are better off in all ways without.
THAT'S bitter.
And for you fellas battin' for the other team, you're better off without a guy, too.
I'm just sayin'.
Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2005
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I know the feeling. I was talking to Amanecer about this last night, and I said there are rules to this game and I don't particularly want to play by those rules. I don't like the game and just wished everything was a lot simpler and a lot more honest.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Isn't it wonderful how we know each other so much and how wonderful of a comunity we are? Everybody likes everybody in here. Ah, I wonder if anyone has any secret crushes on another Hatracker.
EDIT: *sips* Yeah, I hate coffee so I go with Green, English Breakfast and Earl Grey Teas instead. Does this make my binary identity any more intresting? I wonder...
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I don't think I know anyone well enough to have secret crushes. I will agree that it's a good community though.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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No, no, pfresh. The appropriate response to Altariel is, "How, YOU doin'?"
Edit: Seriously, though. I think learning to be casually flirtatious, no pressure, can help. But it can also lead to causing girls to have crushes on you. So perhaps if you use this policy, only "casually flirt" with girls you wouldn't mind pursuing something with. Hmmm, maybe that doesn't work so well....
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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bev, I'm not Joey from Friends, although sometimes I wish I was. As for being "casually fliratious," I'm not sure I know how to do that.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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thinking about being on a college campus, but not seeing many young women reading books... OK that's kinda weird
Posts: 772 | Registered: Feb 2005
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I think this one has gone longer because it's asking about the general case, and the dealing with men thread was actually about a specific example.
Oops, that was too serious. Umm... women are crazy and men are dumb?
posted
Why hasn't anyone mentioned going to the gym and getting buff?
Seriously. What Uhleeuh just said. Catching someone's attention is remarkably easy if you practice.
Oh, and a lot of people hide the fact that you have their attention. I can't count the number of times I've fallen for girls and thus became more distant.
The other ingredient I would say is required is access. If you have no way to regularly meet, then nothing will happen.
Posts: 1209 | Registered: Dec 2003
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The two problems I have are getting their attention and then having access to them in the first place. With getting their attention, it's hard because I've been told I come off aloof because I'm quiet, I don't smile readily, and my body language is "defensive." As for access, I just don't go out to places to meet women that much (or at all).
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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Woah. Back this bus up. You hate Jane Austen? But, but, but... Pride and Prejudice, man! It's a textbook example of "the novel"TM, climaxes happen as they should almost to the page. Nevermind that Elizabeth Bennet is the poster girl for implicit trust in a narrator. And the book is witty and intelligent on the side.
Clearly your troubles with women are just a symptom of deeper problems with respect to your tastes in literature.
Next you're going to tell me that your favorite ninja turtle was Michelangelo.
Although, to your credit, if you can't be gay there are a lot of women who may dedicate themselves to making you like Jane Austen. Interesting angle you've got going there...
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I hit on a lady at the library, She was at the banned books portion.
Okay, I didn't really hit on her, I just talked to her a bit about books and oh no the internet. I really just stated that banning books really doesn't do anything these days, with the internet you can read things online, or buy from anywhere and have it shipped. They didn't have any buttons with any 'cool' quotes, and I briefly looked around, and went about my library business. I probably came off as a complete goon. However I did notice she watched me as I went up the stairs all the way up to the third floor...
But, I don't play games, and I don't really want a game relationship, in fact I don't really want a relationship. Probably just a friendship. Yet, I don't want to close the door on a relationship either, except with my experience it's unlikely to be able to go from a friendship to a relationship.
Yeah, I'm dumb about relationships just like everyone else. Posts: 1132 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I just fail to see the point in pretending to be what I am not just to atract a person. My real self will come out anyway. Might as well warn the people about what they will get.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by pfresh85: . . .I'm quiet, I don't smile readily, and my body language is "defensive."
This may sound weird, but I'm perfectly serious. This is something you can do something about, and I believe it will help you, and not just with girls. Practice smiling. It'll feel really unnatural at first, because it will be, but keep it up. Smile at yourself in the mirror every morning after you brush your teeth. Make it a point to smile for no reason at least five times during the day, preferably when you're out in public. Try to remember to smile every time you make eye contact with someone, and not just pretty girls. In fact, it'll probably be easier if you start with people substantially older than yourself, so there's less risk. you're not trying to pick anyone up, you're just being friendly.
Keep doing it until it's second nature to smile. Being quiet is fine, and you don't need to try to change that, but I bet as you get more used to smiling your body language will open up a little, too.
Anyway, eye contact and a smile is the best way there is to get people to smile back at you, and that's the first step towards meeting people. Start there. See how it goes. Don't worry about talking to a girl or asking her out. . . if there's a great opportunity, sure, take it, but for now just work on getting "happy" as your default expression, and try to get people to smile back at you. I think you'll find it makes a difference, both in meeting people and in your outlook on life.
<-- Big smile.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2005
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raventh1-- *slap* You ARE attractive the way you are. Promise. Or have you forgotten what I told you at WenchCon II? Had I been unattached and, oh, ten to fifteen years younger...
You just haven't met the right girl yet.
Mute- this may sound weird, but I don't get the 'wealth' thing. I mean, I grew up in modest living arrangements (my dad was a sargeant in the Army). I went to college on scholarships, to a real 'Biff and Muffy' school.
And when some guy tried to impress me with his BMW, instead of being attracted... I generally found ways to utterly humiliate his @$$.
Wealth wasn't what I was after, and while I might be the only woman who ever felt that way, I kinda doubt it.
I always intended to support myself. If I was suddenly widowed or something, that's what I'd do. I have career status with the feds, I could go back and make enough to support my family.
I cannot imagine eliminating potential friends or whatever, based on their bank accounts. I find the idea repulsive.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Oh, and pfresh... do you have a job? See, I was thinking that the teenaged boys around here who WORK in the coffee shops and hang outs are often ideally placed to meet lots of girls.
If you're a waiter or something, then you HAVE to talk to them to do you job, even if it's just "What can I get for you Ladies?"
That kind of 'safe' exposure should help you untie your tongue. It may take a month or two, but you'll get used to it and begin to relax a bit.
Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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In regards to the smiling thing, it is very unnatural and maybe it does take practice. As for the "defensive" body language, most of that (I'm told) is the fact that I cross my arms when I'm standing around. I do that though because it's a more comfortable position for my arms (rather than just leaving them hanging at my side). I'll try though. No guarantees.
With respect to a job, I don't have one. School consumes most of my time when it's in session, and when it's out of session I can't get a job (apparently working at Baylor College of Medicine when you're in high school scares potential employers). If I had a job (particularly a waiter job or something of that nature), I could see it forcing me to be at least somewhat more social.
Posts: 1960 | Registered: May 2005
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I like that advice, IM. I try to remember to do that, but am not always successful.
I have some additional advice:
Focus on getting yourself sorted out. If you can get to a place where you're happy* with yourself and your circumstances, that will show. I think that to maintain a healthy relationship you need to be healthy yourself. It's okay for your significant other to support you emotionally, but you never want that person to become a crutch.
I also think you're starting with the wrong premise: "I want a relationship." If you come at it from this perspective you're likely to fall head over heels for the first girl who gives you the time of day, even if she's completely wrong for you. What you want to do is meet women. Maybe you want to date some of them, and ultimately wind up in a relationship with one, but the meeting part comes first. Take it one step at a time.
If you get nervous and awkward around new people, the solution to this problem is to put yourself in situations where you have to interact with new people. Olivet's advice is sound. You'll find that people -- and, in particular, women -- aren't terrifying at all!
Added: Oh, yeah. Don't forget that there are awesome women all over the place.
*Note: "Happy with yourself and your circumstances" does not mean that you don't still have self-improvement goals! Having goals is really important. But you can be happy with yourself even if there are things you'd like to change.
Posts: 10886 | Registered: Feb 2000
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She’s there. Right there. Right where you wanted her to be.
In your arms, In your eyes, And you, you think, you hope, are there in hers.
But are things as they now appear to be? Why can't things seem the way they are? It’s hard to tell. It’s hard to know. It’s hard to see what’s there and what is here. Right here. In my heart. And what exists in this reality.
There’s a smile. Then a glance. Do they pierce or are they surface deep?
You don’t know. Can’t know. You want to ask, but then again no you don’t.
On your end It seems it may be one But on hers something else entirely. It’s hard to tell. It’s hard to know. It’s hard to see what’s there and what is here. Right here. In my heart. And what exists in this reality.
From one week. To one night. God, for once, please let me be right.
But if I’m not Then let it Be. Your will is mine or soon I’ll make it be.
Some day I’ll know Why you answer no Right now it’s just so hard to understand.Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Yeah, the cuddling thing is true sometimes. Sometimes, we use cuddling in the hopes that we'll get physically close enough for us to be able to make a move. Because when your faces are already close together, it's so much easier to lean a few inches over and steal a kiss.
Then again, sometimes we cuddle with our male friends because it's comfy.
We're a confusing bunch, aren't we?
Oh, and breaking yourself of the crossed arms habit definitely takes some conscious effort. I usually like to be holding something in one hand so that it's more difficult to cross my arms. That's one of the reasons I drink so much diet soda at concerts.
1). Listen to what she has to say, don't just talk about yourself. If you get her talking about her interests, you'll be able to see whether you have anything in common, and go from there.
2). If what she says sounds like the most idiotic thing you've ever heard, let it go. No matter how cute she is, if you can't respect her opinions it will not end well.
3). If she spends all her time with you mooning about some other guy and saying what a good friend you are, face up to the fact that you are not even an 'also ran' and get on with your life.
4). Learning to communicate with the opposite sex is hard. She may not actually be saying what you think you heard, and she may not be hearing what you think you said. Trust me on that one.
Olivia says it like it is, folks. These are Words of Truth. Take 'em to heart.
Posts: 2689 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Yeah, and we'll cuddle with guy friends who are 'safe' just because.
In college, there was this guy names Scotty that I always greeted with a hug. We danced at the school dances. He was cute and sweet and probably gay (I think he had a thing for one of my ex boyfriends... I let him use some pictures i had of the guy for a prank. I got all the blame, though.)
Anyway, one evening I came into the cafeteria and saw Scotty (with his back to me) at the Salad Bar. The lighting was dim, but the vaguely puffy shape and light brown/dark blond curls were there.
I ran up to him from behind, threw my arms around him and put my head on his shoulder and said, "Aw, Scotty, I've had a HORRIBLE day!"
It wasn't Scotty. I cringed and appologized, explaining that I thought he was somebody else (I thought the shoulder had been a little high...).
"I didn't mind at all," quoth the leering heterosexual.
*MEEP* That did not improve my day AT ALL.
I lost touch with Scotty, because he didn't come back the next year. I really liked him. But not, you know, THAT way.
I've also been similarly friendly with guys I thought were gay, only to find out they were not gay and liked me. Which made me feel horrible. Edit: because I never wanted to mislead anyone, or be a tease.
Further Edit: Thank you, Taalcon. Posts: 9293 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Guys you like to cuddle with but have no feelings for are, quite simply, dicks in a glass case. Break in case of emergency. So says Chris Rock (more or less).
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote:Originally posted by pfresh85: You females confuse me yet attract me. I can't interact well with any of you though. So tell me, how do I deal with women?
(Note: This is partly meant as a parody of the other thread and partly serious. Reply to whichever part you like.)
At least in my case, it is not a money thing. It's a confidence thing. Men are attractive when they are happy with what they do and are good at it. One side effect of this is (often) money.
Bonus advice: Do not try this pick-up line.
"Geez, Kate, you're not getting any younger."
Posts: 11187 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Does this make my binary identity any more intresting? I wonder...
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