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So. I’ve been gone from Hatrack for a week, and I thought that some of my friends here might like to read about my adventures. If you don’t consider yourself a friend, but still want to read, fine. If you do consider yourself a friend and don’t want to read, that’s okay too. I really just wanted to write it out, and for some reason I have a hard time keeping a journal. It’s easier with an “intended audience” in mind.
Three weeks ago I was in South Dakota for my paternal grandfather’s funeral. My siblings and I all took the entire week off work and returned to Minnesota after the funeral to hang out with our parents for a while. (I also took the opportunity to have ice cream with Bob Scopatz and Ryuko on Friday and go shopping for chain-mail undergarments with Bob on Saturday. (Neither of us purchased any.)) Just as my brother and I were loading the car for the drive back to Iowa (I live near Ames, he lives in Cedar Rapids) we got a phone call from one of my mother’s sisters, saying that their mother had been taken to the hospital. (Grandma had been moved from an assisted living apartment to a care center the previous month, and had been doing well there.) No information was known, as the doctor had not yet seen her. We decided that bpw and I would return home, but that Mom would call us on my cell phone as soon as she heard back as to Grandma’s condition.
When we were about an hour from my house, Dad called to say he’d just dropped Mom off at the airport, she was flying to Fargo (ND). He had no details on Grandma’s condition, but said Mom would call the next morning after she spoke to the doctor directly. On Monday Grandma was released from the hospital. Her kidneys were functioning at less than 30% and her heart was enlarged, but the doctor said there was nothing that was medically treatable. We were told that she would live a few days or a few weeks, or possibly even a few months. The nursing home she had moved to had a family room with a pull-out sofa bed and a reclining chair, Grandma’s bed had been moved into it, so family could stay with her. Mom stayed to get her settled and then went home for a few days to catch up at work and keep a doctor appointment of her own. She returned the following Friday.
The next Monday I called Mom to tell her I would drive up Thursday and stay ‘til Saturday. She said that might be too late, if I really wanted to see Grandma I should come sooner. I began to clear my schedule to try to leave on Tuesday. Dad called and offered to buy me a plane ticket, but by the time I counted an hour and a half drive to the nearest major airport, an hour waiting for the plane, an hour layover, plus the expected “unexpected” delays, a seven-hour drive sounded more reasonable. Plus, that way I’d have a car when I got there and wouldn’t be at the mercy of flight schedules for my return. I left Tuesday morning.
There were five of us (plus Grandma) staying in the family room. Two of my aunts slept on the pull-out sofa, one slept in the recliner, my mom slept on the sofa cushions, and I brought my sleeping bag. It was like a great big slumber party. There wasn’t a lot of floor space, and we had to leave an open path for the staff to come in and give Grandma her pain meds and check her every four hours, so I slept against the wall with my legs and feet under the bathroom counter. (The toilet was in a separate room, but the counter and sink were in the main room. I had to get up by 5:45 so the aunt who lived in Fargo could get ready for work without stepping on me.
Grandma was never awake for more than twenty minutes at a time. She had pretty much stopped eating and drinking (and had a living will that allowed no feeding tubes or IVs). We kept her mouth moist with little sponges-on-a-stick and gelled water. Fortunately Mom and I had been through this with my other Grandmother, so we knew the drill. She had some red spots on her heels and ears, so we used latex gloves filled with warm water as little pillows to relieve the pressure. When she was awake we talked to her and sang her favorite hymns, and prayed. When she was asleep we talked to each other, played cards, read, and prayed. The nursing home had a shelf full of paperback novels in the basement that they let us borrow. We took turns going out for food, and sometimes the aunt who lived in Fargo would bring funny treats after work or on her lunch break. We had chocolate-dipped olives, pickles and jalapenos on Thursday.
On Friday morning Mom and I were sitting with grandma, holding her and telling her how much we loved her. She was awake and seemed more alert than she’d been in days. Mom swapped out her mouth and gave her water on the swab. She sucked on it and said, “more” which was the first clear word she’d spoken since Tuesday. We gave her more. After about three swabs, she didn’t open her mouth when we offered her another, so we stopped. A few minutes later her mouth started to make little convulsive movements. I’d seen them before, both as a hospital chaplain and with my other grandmother. We called to the other aunts in the room, and the three of them held their mother while I phoned the aunt who was at work. She came immediately, and Grandma took her last breath just as she came in the door.
One of the hospice books that Mom had read suggested putting false teeth in immediately after death so the jaw stiffens in the right shape. Mom and Aunt C put them in, but they didn’t stay in place and made Grandma look like she was snarling. One of the other aunts had denture adhesive along, and we had a short discussion about whether that would be appropriate or whether it would make things harder for the funeral home. We decided they could handle it, and glued the teeth.
We called the funeral home in Aberdeen, SD, and they arranged for a funeral home in Fargo to make the pickup and to transport the body to Aberdeen. By the time they arrived we’d made most of the necessary phone calls. We packed up all our stuff, and grandma’s stuff. The aunts and Mom went back to Aunt C’s house for the night, and drove to Aberdeen together the next morning. I drove back to Minnesota and had supper with Dad, planning to drive back to Iowa Saturday morning and leave for Aberdeen after church on Sunday. We decided that Dad would fly to Aberdeen and my sister, ljw, who lives in Minneapolis near our parents, would come back to Iowa with me. Bpw drove across from Cedar Rapids Sunday morning and the three of us left for South Dakota together after church.
We had to detour through Ft. Dodge, since ljw had gotten addicted to Sonic while at college in Oklahoma and needed a tater-tot fix. Fortunately it wasn’t more than an hour out of the way. The three of us were rather goofy in the car, singing Dr. Demento songs and acting out old Smothers Brothers routines. Somehow we ended up with me in command of a squad of invisible ninja whales, which I threatened to sic on ljw at every opportunity. Eventually we made it to Aberdeen and checked into the hotel.
Mom and her siblings asked me to give the family eulogy, so I spent Monday lurking around soaking up everybody’s memories. After the visitation Monday night we went to dinner at the hotel restaurant. I was debating whether to have a dish I’d loved when we’d been there three weeks earlier, or something new. The waiter strongly recommended the new thing. I said I’d try it, but that I’d really loved the sauce on the other dish – I’d used the bread to sop up all the extra. When he brought the salad and bread he brought me a little bowl of the sauce from the dish I hadn’t ordered!
The funeral was on Tuesday morning, at the First Baptist church, where Grandma had been a member. One of my cousins had written a poem. The pastor announced that “grandson, G and granddaughter, Dana, will now share a few thoughts.” Well, when G walked up to the pulpit he had one of our other cousin’s daughter (age 7) with him. The cousin sitting behind me whispered, “Dana, you’ve changed.”
G announced that B had also written a poem for her great-grandmother and wanted to read it: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I know you’re in heaven, but I miss you.”
Then G read his poem and I gave the eulogy. We all cried. And laughed. And cried some more. We had agreed that ham buns and jell-o really weren’t grandma’s style, so the lunch afterwards was prepared by one of the granddaughters-in-law: Helupsi, kase knipfla, boiled sausage, and kuchen, just like Grandma made. Mom and Aunt C made the personalized heart shaped Valentine’s Day cookies that Grandma always made, one for each child, grandchild, great-grandchild, and great-great grandchild (and the spouses).
And then I came home. I ate my Valentine cookie this afternoon. I got to sleep in my own bed last night, and the invisible ninja whales seem to be settling in alright in the bathtub. I had the brakes replaced on the car, so I’m safe to drive to the Hatrack gathering this weekend. I’m showing minor symptoms of situational depression, which I seem to be overcompensating for by being more verbose than usual and a little manic online. If I’m posting a bit out-of-character in the next few weeks, please forgive me.
I have to go start a quilt now.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Of all the things that I hope for, having loved ones around me when I die is at the top of the list. Your grandmother was very lucky to have such a wonderful family. Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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that was lovely. my condolences to you and your's. hope all is well with you and your whales. i know what it's like to lose someone, and while i'm sure there are those much closer to you on hatrack and in realityland, you're welcome to email me, free of charge.
posted
What an emotional rollercoaster. I'm glad the whales are doing ok. Hope you are too. (((((Dana))))) How wonderful for your grandmother that she could be surrounded by so much love in her last days.
Funny coincidence -- I have a brother who not only has the initials BP, but is often called that. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I'm so glad you got to do that with family around and supporting each other.
I've done it alone, a couple of times now - and that just ain't much good. It's a blessing to be able to be with the person as they make this transition, but it's so hard when it's just you and the person.
I'm glad you could all be there - take care!
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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I already said this in another thread, but if getting to meet you meant that you had to lose those people who are dear to you, I almost wish I hadn't had the opportunity.
In any case, I'm glad to see you back. ((((dkw))))
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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What a wonderful combination of love, wisdom and silliness you are. The world is better for you being with us.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Tomorrow I'll be able to give you a hug in person. It would be cool if you brought cloth samples or the quilt pattern so we could see what you are planning with the quilt.
And we are going to be girly and chatter like magpies anyway so you will fit right in!
Yeah, what AJ said. Don't worry, we'll have fun this weekend, and hopefully it will help you to get balanced back out again.
Posts: 2661 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I wish I could come out there and wisk you off to another Renaissance festival for a little "decompression time." (TX's HUGE festival is starting soon)...In lieu of that, I could always take the whales out for a walk...
I can personally vouch for Dana's family being THE BEST and I just want to say that I'm sorry they've had two family members "go home" in such a short time span.
No wonder you are manic.
Are you done with the quilt yet?
You've had a few hours!!!
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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I'm sorry.
