quote: I don’t know how he even heard the sound. But he must have, because he stopped the car and got out to listen. I couldn’t hear anything but the sputter of the engine.
“I think it’s a kitten,” he said climbing down into the drainage ditch. “It’s right around here somewhere.”
He reached his hand into the pipe that ran under the road and pulled out what looked to me in the car like the soggy remains of a cornbread muffin. Until it moved. I had never seen a kitten that small away from its mother. He handed it to me through the window and told me to keep it warm until we got home.
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale An icy stare for a guess with neither critique nor rationale
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I think I'd like more of a clip to get the feel of the story. If this is the beginning, I think it needs some more of a set-up or a follow up on where when and who.
posted
This sounds like a male voice to me. I like the passage, even with the awkwardness of the first two sentences. It could be smoother, but since we don't really have enough text to tell if the voice has an awkward way of speaking, it's possible that the sentences make sense in the context.
I especially like the cornbread muffin description. Very cute. Cute, but still I think this is a male voice.
Is it Unmaker/David Bowles?
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
It is barely a taste, as Christy said. I'd like to see more.
The word "he" is used 6 times in this short excerpt. It should be replaced with the character's name (if known) some of those times. Or with a description -- "my husband," "the stranger" or whatever is appropriate.
posted
There were some problems with the prose, but I think the description was great. I'd never have thought to describe a wet kitten as looking like "the soggy remains of a cornbread muffin." If whoever this is works on the mechanics a bit, he or she could become a very good writer.
Almost at random: Shlomo.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
The author seems adept at setting the stage-- in a few moments, we know where we are, and are swooped into the story. Nice work, though I have to complain it IS a bit brief, which makes me bitter.
And this piece screams female writer. Kitty in the rain? Why not just throw a vial of estrogen in our noses?
anne kate.
Think I'll nuke Texas, now. Hey, do I get extra points for that, dkw?
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I agree that the piece could use some work, but over all I like it. I get the impression that the author is male (although I wouldn't be surprised if I were wrong), and young. I'm guessing Hobbes.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote: How exactly did the guy know there was a kitten in a drain pipe? This could use some explanation.
Well, that actually didn't bother me. Newborn kits make a VERY distinctive noise.
We had a couple in the basement once, and the noise (which I could not figure out WHAT it was) sounded like nothing else I've ever heard.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
All my thoughts have already been expressed. It's written well, but it's too short to really sink my teeth into, or to judge the writing with any accuracy. My biggest problem with it was wondering how this guy could hear a kitten while driving. The narrator addresses this (her?)self in the first sentence, but it doesn't fix it for me. As a writer, I have often tried to patch up a hole that somebody pointed out to me with a throwaway "I noticed it too, hunh" kind of line, and this is what the first line feels like to me. The writer can't explain why he heard it, but needs him to have heard it, and so the narrator says "I don't know how he heard it, but . . . " This seems amateurish to me, but only because I've been guilty of it myself and I recognize my own mistakes. But it might not be at all. If we had more, maybe we would discover that this guy has superhuman hearing and that this is setting up that bit of characterization. We don't have enough here to know whether this passage is necessary to the story because it explains how they found a kitty, or because it demonstrates his freakish hearing.
quote:I couldn’t hear anything but the sputter of the engine.
To me, "sputter of the engine" seems like a cliché. Engines only sputter if they are dying, first of all. Otherwise, it should be a hum or something. But they always seem to sputter in stories, especially on dark and stormy nights.
quote:He reached his hand into the pipe that ran under the road and pulled out what looked to me in the car like the soggy remains of a cornbread muffin. Until it moved.
I like the use of the fragment. Dramatic.
He reashed his hand, or his arm?
There is a good bit of characterization through action here, as we learn not only about this guy's freakish hearing, but about what kind of person he is--the kind who rescues kittens from drainage ditches.
Of course, that seems like a cliché "white hat" trait as well. Is he a volunteer fireman too? This makes me think that the author is youngish.
I would have gone with T_Smith, but even if it's right, I'm not sure if I would get any points for it, now that somebody has already guessed it. So . . . hmm . . . I don't know why, but I'm leaing toward guy trying to write what a girl thinks an ideal guy is. There's no reason why it couldn't be a girl instead, but this is what my gut is saying. I'm tempted to say Jon Boy, but I would expect a wider variety of sentece structures from him. I'm tempted to say Geoff, though I have never seen his writing, but I'm thinking the son of an author might have a bit more polish. So . . . um . . . how about Pixie, and forget this whole "it's a boy" thing.
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
Hmm. My thought was that anyone who gave a critique was basing their guess on the critique -- hence two points; one for the critique and one for the rationale implied by the critique. I’m not sure what to do with a critique and then a separate rationale. I shall ponder.
posted
And if you post multiple guesses w/ rationales, do you only gain points after the first if it's right?
And will scores go down to zero in the new "season"?
(This is where you tell me to chill out, it's only a game, and the scores don't mean anything. But you don't know me and games! )
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
This game is like Whose Line Is It Anyway? in that everything’s made up and the points don’t matter.
I tend to think that in the scenario you’ve described you would only get the points for the correct guess. But in reviewing precedent, I find that in round nineteen I only allowed one guess at a time, which seems like a good way to eliminate the problem.
The scores will definitely start over in the new season, that’s part of the reason I didn’t just add the new submissions to the pool and keep going.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
*giggle* Too bad we didn't play any board games while we were in Florida. That could've been interesting Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
That means I have one last chance to make major scorage. . .
How does the narrator feel about this person that is getting out of the car for no apparent reason? How does the narrator feel about cats? Is it the man's car, or the narrator? Is the narrator a man, or a woman?
All questions I wish I had answers to. But I do not, because this entry is too frickin' short.
Really, this is a good, simple extract. Very strong, very concise. I just wish it were longer so I could enjoy it more, and critique it more, and find out what happens to the cuddly widdle kitty. . .
OK. My instincts were saying boy, but I just can't see any of the unnamed boys on the list having written it. So I'm thinking girls, by process of elimination.
(FWIW)
(Unless the whole story is dark satire, and this piece is horribly out of context. Wouldn't that be a hoot!)
I'm thinking it's one of the following: ludosti, Leonide, JaneX, Dragon, muppet, rivka, pooka, and Christy. Christy and rivka are on my list largely because their posts in this thread make me suspicious. And yet, part of me really wants to guess JaneX.
Hmm . . . if I can have a second guess, I'll make it rivka.
posted
The extreme squishiness of the beginning could be a great setup for something really dark. Just what is that kitten? Is it really a kitten? What will happen to the family, now that it has arrived.
I think that the piece is mostly pretty good. I do like it (despite the cute factor).
posted
Process of elimination doesn't work. If we assume that every round could remove one person form our pick list, that still leaves 46 people to choose from,
and I think DKW is sneaky enough to claim this is the FInal Round, but secretly use someone's Next Generation posting just to throw us all off the track.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Process of elimination does not work from round to round in the season (rounds 1 through 30), but it certainly works within each round. There is a set list of people to guess from, only one excerpt is guessed on per round, and presumably each excerpt has only one author. So as long as you keep track of who has been guessed already and who hasn't been guessed yet in each round (which a lot of people don't seem to do), you can quite easily guess by process of elimination.
I agree with everything Icarus has said so far, and in fact I seem to be thinking along the same lines as he was, as I had also considered Geoff, Jon Boy and T_Smith, and rejected them for the same reasons. I do think that it seems like a male's writing for some reason, but I can't seem to find any guys on the list that seem like a good match. I suppose I don't know all of them that well.
Well, I'll go ahead and rule out guys for now. The cornbread line makes me think of Texas, so I'll guess kat.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
The New and Improved Already Guessed List: Locke Maethoriell Unmaker/David Bowles Morbo Pixie Shlomo ak Pat porce Kama Hobbes T_Smith jeniwren dkw IndexCard Geoff rivka Papa Moose pooka kat
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