quote:There are three rules I’ve learned from living out in the near absolute zero expanse known as space. The first rule: keep your engines hot and your guns hotter. I can’t stress this enough. With trouble around even the smallest of rocks, don’t count on being able to keep away from trouble. The second rule: when negotiating for your life, do not be stoned or drunk off your ass. I once traded half my cargo for a bag of Dorritos. This leads to the third rule, if you do screw up, be able to lie off your ass and keep a straight face. I’ve had friends lose a few limbs, a few their lives, and a few others get horribly devoured for the enjoyment of some faceless overlord.
The fact of the matter is, the Milky Way is not a friendly place. Really it’s to be expected. Looking at it mathematically, there are around five thousand forms of life, and a few trillion lives. Someone’s bound to piss someone else off after awhile. From what I’ve read lately, there’s a new war in some corner of the galaxy when one government decides to cough in another’s direction. Viola! Instant war. A few billion lives later and peace reigns yet again. I try not to dwell on such things, I’m just a merchant, plain and simple.
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
posted
This is a tricky one. I like this kind of voice, especially for the "space cowboy" kind of story. But I don't think this character has a unique enough voice to handle being a maverick yet. The speaker lapses too much into commentary without enough plot development in what I'm assuming are the first two paragraphs of the story. In fact, there is nothing developing at all, which gives it an empty feeling despite the good tone. I'm all in favor of background development, but it should happen after the initial story is established, I think.
The speaker seems like kind of a pansy if he (assuming it's a he) used Doritos instead of what I think would be the unofficial currency among traders: booze. Just the fact that there's Doritos really makes this piece confusing. How far in the future is this? Do you really want to tie the story back to the year 2004 like that? How come? I suggest making up some futuristic brand, or picking something a little more exotic and making it seem commonplace. Heinlein was good at that. If this spacer is aware of the goings-on in other parts of the galaxy, then this isn't a story that should have much to do with our present day.
I'm going to guess Gottmorder.
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posted
Oh, no. That was the right guess? I never expect to get it right. Sorry, dkw, and sorry, Gottmorder! If I was sure it was you, I would have held off a few hours so you could accumulate more feedback.
Everybody, step in and give him critiques anyway. He deserves more than just mine.
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quote:With trouble around even the smallest of rocks, don’t count on being able to keep away from trouble.
The repetition of the word "trouble" sounds a little bit clumsy. Perhaps a synonym could be found, or you could just write "don't count on being able to keep away from it/stay out of it."
quote:I’ve had friends lose a few limbs, a few their lives, and a few others get horribly devoured for the enjoyment of some faceless overlord.
The first problem with this sentence is that it lacks something to be able to logically follow from the third rule "lie well". Something that emphasizes that the reason the protagonist's friends met with their fates were their lack of this quality. Perhaps if you added "... only because they weren't able to quickly come up with a plausable explanation for their predicament" or something similar.
Secondly, "few limbs", "few lives" and "few others" are a few too many fews, if you get my meaning.
quote:there are around five thousand forms of life
Perhaps you should insert "intelligent" in this sentence; there's a lot more than five thousand forms of life on earth alone. Unless you classify "carbon based" as one form of lives, in which case 5000 probably is too many.
quote:From what I’ve read lately, there’s a new war in some corner of the galaxy when one government decides to cough in another’s direction. Viola! Instant war. A few billion lives later and peace reigns yet again.
This section isn't entirely clear. Perhaps if you change "when" to "whenever" it would be closer to what I think you mean to convey.
The tough space cowboy story isn't really my cup of tea, but I think you have a good beginning here!
posted
*blink* Yowza, this one'll win the shortest round award fer shure!
Hmm, I like this overall; but have several nitpicks. The language seems deliberately -- and artificially -- slangy/profane (well, not precisely profane). This, in combination with the Doritos issue afr pointed out, and the dated (well, they WILL be dated ) clichés, makes it feel less convincingly futuristic.
Why IS "just a merchant" telling me this, if he tries not to dwell on such things? Is he about to end up in the middle of a war? It seems a very odd introduction. And how does it connect to the first paragraph, which seemed to be introducing a story about an deep-space trader?
And one of one "nails-on-chalkboard" pet peeves: a viola is a instrument, slightly larger than a violin; [b]voilà[/i] is a word from the French, which means roughly "ta da!"
But I really do like the three rules. They're clever, and I want to know more about these "faceless overlords."
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) clichés, makes it feel less convincingly futuristic. 
