posted
Arya and I are worried about a friend of ours, whom I'll call W. W has never worked very hard in school, but lately she seems to have given up completely. She doesn't do her schoolwork; she spends all her after-school hours with her boyfriend (who is a total creep) or with her friend A (whom we think is having a very bad influence on W - she urges W to forget about her schoolwork and concentrate on having fun). She has even skipped class to call her boyfriend or to go out with A. W is now in danger of failing all of her classes, and nothing Arya or I says makes any difference - she just tells us not to lecture her. She has gotten very angry at Arya over this, and we know that if either of us says anything else to W about her grades, we'll just push her farther away from us.
We are worried that W will not be able to graduate and that she won't be able to get any good jobs without a high school diploma. We don't want to sit back and watch W screw up her life, but we don't know what to do about it.
We have spoken with one of our teachers, who asked if we wanted her to speak with a guidance counselor or with W's mom - but we don't think either of those options will work. If a guidance counselor pushes W to work harder, W might just drop out of school altogether. And if our teacher talks to W's mom, W will tell her mom that she's not failing her classes - and W's mom believes W above anyone else.
We decided that our teacher will talk to W with reference to her mid-trimester report, which shows a significant decline since last trimester. We haven't heard the results of that conversation yet, but we doubt that it will do any good. W won't listen to anybody.
So we come to the people of Hatrack. Does anyone have any suggestions? How can we make W realize that she's screwing up her life?
~Jane~ (and Arya, who is looking over my shoulder)
Posts: 2057 | Registered: Jun 2001
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Her boyfriend is a prick. We have been urging her to break up with him. He doesn't care about her or what goes on in her life... he just "wants" her. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2004
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Unfortunately, you can't make someone see something they don't want to. W doesn't think she is ruining her life. She may come to realize it later, but for now it's going to be tough to get her to understand it.
The best thing you can do is be a supportive friend. I don't know that you will be able to do much more at this point. If the boyfriend is a total creep and dumps her, she will need you.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
Well, we're hoping that the boyfriend does dump her. Maybe then she will be able to get her life back on track. W was doing fine untill she began dating him.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2004
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I'm with Belle on this one. It is to your credit that you are trying to help this girl, but ultimately it is her choice and if she doesn't want to listen, she wont.
I'm a little surprised that the teacher consulted the two of you as to how to approach the girl, and whether to approach a guidance counselor or her mother, or the girl directly. It's a measure of how much she thinks of the two of you, but honestly, if a kid is "in trouble" the school should have some method of identifying that on their own and they should know what to do about it.
I can't imagine that a parent/teacher conference wouldn't work to convince the mom that her child is on the verge of flunking out. The records are there to see that she's skipped class and isn't turning in work.
I think that you've done as much as you can, or should. It's sad, but if she builds a wall you can't tear it down.
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Are you sure the new people in her life are the only reasons why she has changed so much? Is everything ok at home?
Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Well, she does have other issues. However, she had the same problems when the school year began, and she was doing quite well... before the boyfriend and friend became part of her life.
The parent- teacher conference might work... but I don't think her mother has very much control over W, even if she were to be convinced her child was failing.
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posted
Well, let's see here. Do nothing, and she likely fails her classes. At least you are friends though.
Get mom/guidance counsellor involved, and there is likely a slightly greater chance she pulls it together. But maybe she ends up failing classes and you aren't friends.
It seems like a really bad set of choices, but I don't see why you don't get some outside help. She isn't responding to you two, so I don't see why you don't try to involve some others who make help. Hoping for her to just spontaneously turn around. If she does, she'll do it regardless of what you do.
posted
W's been dealing with the same issues for a while now. She just doesn't want to work. W thinks that she can do absolutely nothing, and that everything will be handed to her on a silver platter.
We have involved other people; our teacher, for example, has spoken with her. On Monday, we'll find out what happened. The problem is, the more people that are involved, the greater the chance is that she'll become even worse. W tends to flake out under pressure.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:W's been dealing with the same issues for a while now. She just doesn't want to work. W thinks that she can do absolutely nothing, and that everything will be handed to her on a silver platter.
If her problem's stemming from simple laziness, help her parents cut her loose. If she still gets an allowance, for example, convince her parents to cut it. Maybe even evict the girl for a couple months. Have her volunteer with the homeless and get a real job at some fast-food joint to learn the value of a dollar.
While I'm not a particularly inspirational source of motivation myself, there's no reason to tolerate a brat.
Posts: 3293 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
Well, she has no father. He passed away three years ago, so it's only her mom, who depends on her a lot. We can't say anything to her mom, because her mother backs her 100%, to the point where she'll lie for her. W isn't mentally capable of a lot... but she is capable of putting in effort, which is all the teachers want in order to pass her. W just doesn't care, and prefers to be with her jerk of a boyfriend instead of doing work.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
This situation reminds me a lot of a YA book I just read, called Someone Like You by Sarah Dessen. Not that all real-life problems can be solved by refering to fiction, but it does offer insight sometimes.
The main character in the book was a lot like W. Bad boyfriend (not as bad as W's, sounds like, but a bad influence nonetheless), rejecting everyone who tries to help her, skipping school, doing poorly on every level, etc.
My feelings are that W, like the girl in the book, will eventually come to a point where her boyfriend will ask her to do something she is definitely not comfortable with, do something to her she can't accept, or get bored of her and dump her. This will probably break her heart, but if you are her friend and continue to remind her that you only want what's best for her, she will remember that at that time. You hope.
I agree that she needs a wake-up call, but often teenagers like this don't wake up easily, no matter what you do. Just be supportive, don't stop sharing your feelings when you know she's really hurting herself, and continue to invite her to do things with you. If she doesn't turn around, that's her decision, but at least you did your best.
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posted
plus the girl and i grew into a very healthy relationship that lasted over 4 years (and a 2000 mile gap for about 9 months)
Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jan 2004
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I don't really know what the word supportive means. I'd be interested to hear more about that.
Anyway, I think if you want to keep helping her you have to let go of the idea that you can change her. I think you have to love her (I don't like the word unconditionally, but that's probably what I mean) and let her change herself. If you aren't up to that, you can let her go as a friend, but don't be her friend only on condition that she change. FWIW.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Actually, it's completely the opposite. Right now, I'm staying friends with her so that I can help her graduate high school, not on the condition that she changes. I feel like I don't know how to swim, and I'm watching a person drown. I absolutely despise that feeling. There's just no helping her... and whatever we do just seems to make things worse than they were to begin with.
Posts: 68 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
Make your interactions with W light but supportive. Always make sure that there is an undercurrent of acceptance and love when you interact with her. Right now, she may pick up on your disapproval and judgment, and not be so comfortable around her. That will only push her away.
I was this girl, once. At least to some degree. I really needed somebody to believe in me at the time, and no one did. I didn't believe in myself. Perhaps if you affirm W in her strengths? Focus on her powerful areas and encourage her to use her strengths.
For instance, if she enjoys and is good at art, encourage her to submit her work to competitions or something. Perhaps, if she finds an area that captivates her imagination and one that she can be relatively successful in, the rest will follow.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
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i was the distraction in highschool girls life her senior year (my freshman in college year). i was a reason she didnt goto class (although i never asked her to skip for me) and i was a reason she neglected other areas in her life. but unlike this fellow it sounds like, i WAS concerned about her, and when i found out things were slipping i got onto her about it, but it didn't do much good. But i did care.
maybe this guy DOES care about her in a way you guys dont see because you are only seeing from friend of hers point of view as you watch her life slip into some sort of decline.
Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
Just from my own high school experience ---
is there any chance this "prick" of a boyfriend might also be abusive in private? Her "symptoms" sound very familiar to what I was doing when I was in an abusive relationship -- depression, cut off of good friends, not confiding in anyone what the real problems was.
I think the slipping school and her behavior sounds to me like there is something more going on -- if not abuse, then possibly drugs.
And I'm not judging -- I'm speaking from a "been there, done that" perspective.
posted
He doesn't abuse her. Even she wouldn't stand for that. I don't think she would take drugs either... it's not in her nature... at least I hope not...
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