posted
My little sister (age 14) is growing up too fast and in questionable directions.
I don’t trust who she is hanging out with or the activities she’s getting involved in. She’s not the brightest crayon in the box, has no common sense and isn’t street wise by any means. Given that, I think she is about to get some harsh wakeup calls in the near future and I’m trying to prevent as many as possible.
Tonight we had a conversation about birth control, STD’s, date rape, drugs and alcohol. I also told her to carry my cell phone number with her at all times and if she ever needed help but couldn’t turn to our parents, to give me a call. (I don’t live with her, but do live in the same city).
Any other ideas of what else I should to talk with her about?
Don’t bother mentioning abstinence and don’t use drugs/alcohol, etc. She’s been told that her whole life and has decided to make these decisions... I can’t control what she's doing, but I can try to educate her as much as I can about the “big bad world”.
Also, I have tried to warn her mother (my stepmother), but my warning has gone unheeded. My little sister can’t do any wrong, and there is no way to convince them otherwise. Therefore, the obvious answer of “tell parents and have them lay down the law” isn’t an option at this point.
posted
I think you are doing fine. The truth is that she is going to make her own decisions, no matter what you say. The best you can do is inform her like you are doing now. She'll have to learn from her own mistakes in the end.
Posts: 5656 | Registered: Oct 1999
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posted
Yeah, Jaiden, I understand you... my little sister is 10 going on 18... Believe me, I feel your agony. Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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My little sister is the same way. She's 15 and has been through a lot already. My mom tells me though that she seems to learn more from my example than from anything she tries to tell her.
Simply letting her know that you're always there for you and setting a good example will be the best for her.
It sounds like you are doing all you can for your little sister just as a good big sister should. You've told her she can come to you whenever she needs it. You are making her feel comfortable talking about somewhat uncomfortable subjects. You are building trust. Like everyone else has said before, now it's up to her.
I hope things work out. It is indeed a 'big bad world' out there, but it can get down right cozy and warm when you have good friends and family to turn to.
Posts: 822 | Registered: Jul 2001
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It sounds to me like you are already doing one of the most valuable things anyone can do for a teenager nowdays, and that is to provide an alternative, adult support structure for them, in addition to what they get, (or sometimes don't get) at home.
I had the good fortune a couple of years ago to hear Australian Adolescent Psychologist Michael Garr-Gregg speak on exactly this subject - how fast teenagers are growing up nowdays, reasons for this, how to deal with it etc... While Australia is probably a little to far for you to come for advice, I can recommend checking out Dr Greggs website Michael Carr Gregg which has a lot of very accessible info and also a good list of support materials and additional reading, much of which would be available in the States, I'm sure.
I know that in my former life as a high school teacher, this was an issue I found myself dealing with constantly, and I used material from Michael Carr-Gregg many times.
Hope this is of some use to you, just keep being there for her is probably the most important thing.
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I pray my oldest daughter will be as caring and responsible as you are toward her younger siblings.
The cell phone number is great - I had a cousin who called me sometimes because she didn't want to call her Mom and I would go get her. In one case it was because her date took her to a party she didn't want to go to and proceeded to get drunk. Beleve me, I was glad she called me instead of riding home with that loser.
I took her home and we talked to her Mom together, her mom wasn't mad at her at all, but my cousin was afraid she would be mad at her for going to the party. Not that she had a choice, she wasn't driving.
At any rate, I'm just letting you know you done good. That cell phone number may save her life one day, because she's more likely to trust you than your Mom, that's just the way it is.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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::nods:: Jaids, you're doing fine, being a great big sister (to echo what everyone else has said). Just let her know that you're there for her (the cell phone number'll help on that one) and answer any questions she comes to you with.
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It sounds like you're doing a really good job so far. You are, hopefully, in the position of a "friend", so she will talk to you about things she wouldn't otherwise discuss with your parents. She'll probably listen to you better than she would your parents, also. It can be really hard to the be the big sister to a sibling who is making unwise choices. *big hug* Keep up the good work.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Jaiden- sounds like you are a wonderful older sister. I have three younger sisters and we have all had this chat...I wish I lived at home when my sisters were in their teens- but we often talked on the phone about the same issues you discussed with my sister. You're doing great! I think that keeping that communication open is the essential key to a good relationship. Through that you will portray to her that she can trust you Posts: 862 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Just be there for her. She'll probably think that her parents wouldn't understand and if you immediately act like them, she'll probably resent you too. Yet, you already know that and I wish I had an older sister like you to turn to.
Posts: 4628 | Registered: Jul 2002
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I don't have much time, but I wanted to quickly drop in and say how much I appreciate what everyone has said. I don’t think I am a good older sister by any means- I am just trying my best to take care of those I care about.
Nick- I wish it was the way it is with your older sister!!! Since she came out and ‘fessed up after I talked to her, I know, sadly, that my gut feeling was right. Be happy that your sister cares about you, even if she s off base. Someday you’ll look back fondly and get to tease her about it : )
Thank you Sychrop for the link, I will have to look at it further when I have more time.
Belle, I'm sure your older daughter does and will continue caring deeply for your younger daughter. And hopefully they won't be getting into anything my little sister is getting into right now!
We are sister-friends. Age, experience and interests are rather different, but we talk frequently about many different topics. She is frequently the one who instigates our more serious talks. I hope she trusts me and realizes that I’m here for her through the thin and thick.
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I'd say that you're doing everything right.
I myself am a 14 year-old girl, and have two older sisters. It definitely helps to know that you have someone besides your parents looking out for you. If she has any close friends that are decent you might also try asking them to talk to her. Sometimes it's easier to listen to someone outside the family.
You've done about as much as you can, hopefully she'll listen and take your advice.
Posts: 145 | Registered: Jan 2004
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Tryin to remember what it was like when I was 14 The real trouble began when I was 15. That's when I started dating Real Trouble. Yep. My first boyfriend did drugs (pot, acid), drank alcohol (even nyquil), and had fooled around plenty beforehand.
I assure you, any older sister would be plenty worried about _that_ as a first boyfriend. But I came through it pretty darn well. I have never done any drugs, and got him to mostly stop doing drugs while we were dating (nine months). The physical stuff went as well as could be... he was _very_ good about letting me choose the pace at all times.
So my advice... When she starts dating/messing around with boys, it's ultimately her decision on what she does when. But the best is to make those decisions carefully and not spur-of-the-moment. She should always be comfortable with the person she's with. Always. My rule of thumb for sex is, if you're perfectly willing to prance around naked in front of them, completely willing to discuss condoms/pregnancy/std's with them, comfortable and happy in their presence, and comfortable with the idea of having sex (possible repercussions, emotional stuff, blah blah)... THEN are you best equipped to have sex.
Or, as a friend of mine succinctly put it when we were 16, "If you're not old enough to buy condoms, you're not old enough to use 'em."
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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That cell phone number may save her life one day, because she's more likely to trust you than your Mom, that's just the way it is.
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