posted
Nathan and I will be braving a journey back to visit Grammy and my mom in two weeks.
(For those of you that don't know why this is traumatic, click here .)
I need common sense, polite ways to NOT have to speak with them regarding the accident and on-going recovery process.
Why?
Telling them how it has been - and is - elicits scorn and a "get over it already" attitude.
Saying "I don't want to discuss it" brings on more pressure.
Therefore, I need clever conversational gambits that I can use to CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
(Conversation not being my strong point, I request your help. )
And before you ask, we are going because Nathan really wants to spend time with his family - and I really want to be able to provide some time that is short and safe. We'll only be there two nights, and we can always leave earlier. And no - I will not be within 20 miles of Grammy if she picks up her car keys . . .
posted
What sorts of things interest the potential distractees? Sports? Needlepoint? Traffic school? Find out a bunch of trivia about their favorite topic(s). Use cue cards.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Shan, you're a bigger person than I am. What a great thing you're doing for Nathan.
I'm not sure I have any good advice for you. It is an election year, so you could say something political. Or you could just spend the entire visit walking around with a full glass of grape juice and drop it whenever the accident comes up. That's pretty sure to create a diversion.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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My suggestion is if anyone begins a conversation thread about the accident and "how are you?" (expecting a "great!" or some such nonsense), you can...
Say politely, "Slow but steady progress." (with a very final tone on that sentence that means "And that's all I'm going to say with that") Immediately follow up with a personal question about them "I heard you're going to Paris next week?" "How are Suzy's softball games?" "Did you hear that Nathan scored a home-run last week?" If they try to steer it back say, "Oh I'm all talked out about that," or "It's such a long story" or "Enough about me," and reconnect it back to the topic you used to steer off.
Worse comes to worse, "I'd love to tell you more, but I'm awfully thirsty. I'm going to go get a drink, I'll catch you later."
If you get pinned down, then perhaps you could recount a terribly boring factual account of all the insurance mishaps or something, steering clear of actual details of your treatment and effect on personal life. Maybe think of some long, excrutiating exchange between you and the insurance "And then I called them back, but they were busy. Busy! Can you believe that? So they called me back. But you know, by that time, I was making dinner. Fish and pasta, I think. Yes, salmon. And canteloupe for dessert. Or was it honeydew? So they tell me they have to fax over the information. But I don't have a fax machine!" blah blah blah
I hope some of these ideas can help you out.
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Have things been getting better? If so saying just that with some finality might be enough. "Oh things are starting to get better." and then changing the subject or something. It's positive but not untruthful and they can't really call say you're being overly negative or anything.
Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
We had an accident at my sister's house about a year ago. My nephew had his gas scooter out, and my wife and I wanted to give it a try.
I got on first, and my nephew warned me that the brakes didn't work. I took a nice, easy loop around the cul-de-sac.
Then my wife got on and gunned it. She soon discovered that the steering berrings were shot, that the brakes didn't work, and that the throttle was sticky. She ran straight into the curb and did an endo into the neighbor's front yard.
She was pretty beat up and couldn't walk well for a month, but the main injury was to her psyche. She is a do-anything kind of girl, and it really hurt her that that stupid scooter got the best of her. She wasn't the same girl after that.
I decided that some therapy was in order, so I bought her a Yamaha Zuma for Christmas. She was a bit timid at first, but she soon got the hang of it. Now she's a speed demon on that thing, and she's back to her old self.
Anyway, back to the nephew's scooter incident. The whole family was mortified and apologized over and over. Whenever we went to visit, they kind of cowered, hoping we wouldn't bring up the scooter incident, but ultimately they'd ask how my wife's knee was doing, and we'd end up talking about it again.
The scooter for Christmas solved the whole problem. She's got her own wheels, and everybody can see that she's back to her old self. Now when we bring the accident up, we all have a good laugh.
Your folks need to see that you're as good as new, and then you all need to have a good laugh.
posted
People love gossip. Make up juicy stories about a torrid love affair you (or someone you know) is having. I'm willing to sacrifice myself and let you use me as the centerpiece of your stories. What a friend I am. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
posted August 20, 2004 01:08 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shan, my mom had to have her own mothers licence in FL revoked, and I think you should do the same. My grandma was dirving around with one arm, and on a morphine drip.....and she did it for years!
Go to the DMV or the state police and have it pulled before she kills someone.
Family politics be dammed, they aren't worth you life or the life of anyone else in your family.
And don't take any crap from them about it, tell them you will get over it when it is done ruining your life. It isn't your fault that she insists on driving.
Although she won't want to give it up...it's probably the last bit autonomy she has left, living with such a large family.
Do what is best for all involved, even if it isn't the easy thing to do. You don't want anyone else going through these things like you have to....or going through even worse.
Kwea
Re-posted, on this thread, because it is really important....sorry....
Posts: 15082 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Shan, you're getting back on the proverbial horse by going back to Granny's. Maybe you can help Granny heal too.
I suggest taking granny a remote control car, the more outrageous the better. There's a remote control Hummer H2 that's about three feet long and almost big enough to ride. That ought to lighten the air. The kids will like it anyway.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Whenever anybody greets me with the saying "how are you", I respond to what they mean, not what they said. I just say "hello!"
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote:I suggest taking granny a remote control car, the more outrageous the better. There's a remote control Hummer H2 that's about three feet long and almost big enough to ride. That ought to lighten the air. The kids will like it anyway.
quote:Or you could just spend the entire visit walking around with a full glass of grape juice and drop it whenever the accident comes up. That's pretty sure to create a diversion
Mrs. M, this is a great idea. I think I'll do that whenever my family brings up that I'm not married - which is in EVERY CONVERSATION I've had with anyone besides my baby brother for the past two years.
---
*hugs Shan* I don't know. I think you should say something cute that Nathan's done lately. If they are clever, they might even catch that the reason you are there is for him.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Since I posted at length in the other thread, I'll keep it short here.
I wouldn't be going myself, even for Nathan. I'd make them come to me and let them see first hand and with no pulled punches, just how tough things are for you.
However, since you've made the decision to make the trip for his sake, then I agree with the suggestions that you do everything you can to keep conversation focused on Nathan's accomplishments rather than on your recovery. I strongly suggest you have somewhere else to stay and that you have the ability to make a quick getaway should things get too difficult to deal with.
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First, let me say . . . I luv ya guys . . . I have laughed for quite some time now!
Hobbes - your suggestion can't be much worse than when I taught my siblings prophylactic lore learned working on HIV/AIDs outreach . . . I hope . . .
I am creating cue cards right now, rivka - small ones that will fit on my key chain . . . (grin)
Boy, Trevor . . . if I ask for a cooking tip, I might have to cook . . . eeecckkk . . . they ought to have new furniture by now though . . .
Mrs. M - how's about chocolate milk in place of grape juice - think it will have the same effect?
Suneun, thank you for the blow by blow insurance mishaps . . . I love it!
AJ - if I could make an elephant sound, I would . . .
Hi Sarah - I could say the sky was blue on a perfectly beautiful and clear day and expect to be argued with on sheer principle alone - in my family, my middle name IS negative, overly sensitive, etc.
skillery, I LOVE your brand of therapy! (vroooommm)
Ohhh Beren - you don't even realize what you could be letting yourself in for, studley . . .
Hi Kwea - WA State has laws that somehow makes it excessively difficult to get driver's licenses revoked . . . Her insurance company continues to insure her, to boot - bleahh - and you are right, I quite agree - family politics aren't worth it. It's also not worth it to be the floor mat, anymore. It hurts. Therefore, I just limit my time and stay away as much as possible.
Mr. P - excellent. The meaning behind the words . . .
Aw, shucks, Nathan - thanks.
Hi Ryuko - slowly improving. Progress - a wonderful thing.
katharina - you and the other jatraquero's are correct - I am going to store up on Nathan "brag" stories . . . maybe I'll add them to my cue cards . . .
I know what you mean, Goody, but here's the thing. They will not ever make the effort to come and spend time. Thank you for the strength . . .
And thank you again, all of you! The suggestions are great and I am going to practice them!
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote:I know what you mean, Goody, but here's the thing. They will not ever make the effort to come and spend time. Thank you for the strength . . .
Perhaps this is an indication of how much (or how little) they want to be part of your life and Nathan's life...<shudder> I would hate to have such a significant chasm between my family and myself but it does seem that for whatever reason they've made their choice.
More strength and love to the two of you {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}
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Good luck with it then...but document EVERYTHING from now on, in case you have to do something. That woill increase your chances of sucess if it becomes necessary.
posted
We're off and away! Please keep us bathed in your good wishes and prayers! I have printed out the list of clever conversational switchers , I have the camping gear packed for a quick get-away, and I have (and continue) to visualize a SAFE, PEACEFUL, and FUN experience.
Have a safe and fun Labor Day weekend, folks!
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Good luck, Shan. I recently had a run-in with my 95 y/o grandmother which left me reeling for weeks.
Maybe you can do what my grandmother does. I am not sure if this is on your advice list.
She is pretty deaf, but she is completely deaf when confronted about something. So, you could just say, "Eh?" or just answer/respond to a totally different question/comment.
Grandmother: "Elizabeth, why did you decide to grow your hair out, it looks so pretty when it is short."
Elizabeth: "Yes, I would love a shot, thank you!"
I think I will try that next time.
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I think I'd be tempted to sing the song Shan's co-workers came up with. Though I like Dan's answer MUCH better.
Either that or respond to questions with absolutely nothing but a steady expectant stare and pleasant half smile, like you're waiting for the next question. Or answer with something about how great Ichiro is doing. Nice weather, eh? Not nearly so hot, what a relief.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
The first thing that would probably leap to my mind, in response to the "how are you doing" would be "well, better than I was doing before Grandma backed off of me", but that isn't really a particluarly funny or helpful thing to say. It's just what my honest inclination would probably be.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Dan!
