quote: Cows With Guns - Dana Lyons Fat and docile, big and dumb They look so stupid, they aren't much fun Cows aren't fun
They eat to grow, grow to die Die to be et at the hamburger fry Cows well done
Nobody thunk it, nobody knew No one imagined the great cow guru Cows are one
He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal Cow Se Tongue
He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd Cow doldrums
He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high Bad cow pun
But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate Cows are bummed
He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy No one suspected he was packing an Uzi Cows with guns
They came with a needle to stick in his thigh He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye Cow well hung
Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor Run cows run!
He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay We are free roving bovines, we run free today We will fight for bovine freedom And hold our large heads high We will run free with the Buffalo, or die Cows with guns
They crashed the gate in a great stampede Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed Cows have fun
Sixty police cars were piled in a heap Covered in cow pies, covered up deep Much cow dung
Black smoke rising, darkening the day Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way The President said "enough is enough These uppity cattle, its time to get tough" Cow dung flung
The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef Cows on buns
The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed They mooed their last moos, they chewed their last hay Cows outgunned
The order was given to turn cows to whoppers Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers
quote: We praise the colorectal surgeon Misunderstood and much maligned Slaving away in the heart of darkness Working where the sun don't shine Respect the colorectal surgeon It's a calling few would crave Lift up your hands and join us Let's all do the finger wave
When it comes to spreading joy There are many techniques Some spread joy to the world And others just spread cheeks Some may think the cardiologist Is their best friend But the colorectal surgeon knows... He'll get you in the end!
Why be a colorectal surgeon? It's one of those mysterious things. Is it because in that profession There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon He did not quite understand; I said, "Hey nice to meet you But do you mind? We don't shake hands."
He sailed right through medical school Because he was a whiz Oh but he never thought of psychology Though he read passages. A doctor he wanted to be For golf he loved to play, But this is not quite what he meant... By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon Misunderstood and much maligned Slaving away in the heart of darkness Working where the sun don't shine!
"Working Where the Sun Don't Shine (The Colorectal Surgeon's Song)" by Bowser and Blue
Posts: 2849 | Registered: Feb 2002
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quote: Remember when you ran away And I got on my knees And begged you not to leave Because I'd go berserk? Well. . .
You left me anyhow And then the days got worse and worse And now you see I've gone Completely out of my mind And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA To the funny farm Where life is beautiful all the time And I'll be happy to see Those nice, young men In their clean, white coats And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
You thought it was a joke And so you laughed You laughed when I had said That losing you would make me flip my lid Right. . .
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh You laughed, you laughed and laughed And then you left But now you know I'm utterly mad! And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA To the happy home With trees and flowers and chirping birds And basket weavers who sit and smile And twiddle their thumbs and toes And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
I cooked your food I cleaned your house And this is how you pay me back For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!! Hah. . .
Well you just wait They'll find you yet And when they do they'll Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt! And. . .
They're coming to take me away, HA HA They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA To the funny farm Where life is beautiful all the time And I'll be happy to see Those nice, young men In their clean, white coats And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
"They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!" by Napoleon XIV
Posts: 2911 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote: AQUARIUS! There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A- Mole 17 hours a day
PISCES! Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
ARIES! The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
TAURUS! You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today
GEMINI! Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
CANCER! The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
LEO! Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
VIRGO! All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
LIBRA! A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
SCORPIO! Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak
SAGITTARIUS! All your friends are laughing behind your back... kill them Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
CAPRICORN! The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person... but you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today
Your Horoscope For Today - Weird Al
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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Love and hope and sex and dreams Pride and joy, fast cars, ice cream Jet black hair, soft socks and shoes Let's fish around, free air again Golden madness, feed off dead meat Time not lost, but sold white teeth We want victory, we want truth A million stars move into view
Slender fungus was a disc of shiny concrete Slender fungus was a disc, a shiny ball of meat Slender fungus sucks the toes that linger round your feet Slender fungus eats in bed before he goes to sleep
Feeling good here in the rain Worms dancing, dancing in your veins I am you but you're not me Bitter dolls, these always free Dance 'til it hurts, in a midnight glow Truth is simple, can't ever say no Flames fly higher, look up the moon Watching demons again, neither are you
Slender fungus was a disc of shiny concrete Slender fungus was a disc, a shiny ball of meat Slender fungus kissed a fish inside a stolen jeep Slender fungus eats
But we play all the things you are Bomb song, swan song, red hot jazz Burn ourselves out, just to please Back to a car, get on your knees Big, big bomb song, gets burnt out So light your own fire, move into view You can do better You can do better You can do better, that's only true
Slender fungus was a disc of shiny concrete Slender fungus was a disc, a shiny ball of meat Slender fungus sucks the toes that linger round your feet Slender fungus eats in bed before he goes to sleep
One of my all-time favorite songs. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote:Standing in between extinction in the cold and explosive radiating growth So the warm blood flows Through the large four-chambered heart Maintaining the very high metabolism rate they have
Mammal, mammal Their names are called They raise a paw The bat, the cat Dolphin and dog Koala bear and hog
One of us might lose his hair But you're reminded that it once was there From the embryonic whale to the monkey with no tail So the warm blood flows with the red blood cells lacking nuclei Through the large four-chambered heart Maintaining the very high metabolism rate they have
Mammal, mammal Their names are called They raise a paw The bat, the cat Dolphin and dog Koala bear and hog
Placental the sister of her brother Marsupial Their cousin called Monotreme Dead uncle Allotheria
Mammal, mammal Their names are called They raise a paw The bat, the cat Dolphin and dog Koala bear and hog The fox, the ox Giraffe and shrew Echidna, caribou
Dinner Bell
quote: I've been leaving on my things So in the morning when the morning bird sings There's still dinner on my dinner jacket 'Til the dinner bell rings
Experimental dog* Salivating dog Good dog Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the dinner bell) Dinner bell dinner bell ring
I've been leaving on my things So in the morning when the morning bird sings There's still dinner on my dinner jacket 'Til the dinner bell rings
I don't want a pizza, I don't want a piece of (experimental dog) Peanut brittle, I don't want a pear. I don't want a bagel I don't want a bean I wouldn't like (salivating dog) A bag of beef or a beer or a Cup of chowder, corn, cake, or creamed cauliflower cause I'm (good dog) Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the dinner bell) Dinner bell dinner bell ring
Shoulder, bicep, elbow, arm Forearm, thumb, wrist, knuckle, palm Middle, pinky, index, ring Dinner bell dinner bell ding
I don't know whether I'd rather be having a bottle of vinegar (experimental dog) I don't know whether I'd rather be having an egg. I don't know whether I'd rather be having an order of bacon (salivating dog) Or whether I'd rather be having a basket of garlic bread. I don't know whether I'd rather be having some pie or (good dog) Saving my appetite 'cause I'm Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the dinner bell) Dinner bell dinner bell ring
I've been leaving on my things (I've been leaving on) So in the morning when the morning bird sings (the morning) There's still dinner on my dinner jacket (on my) 'Til the dinner bell does the bell thing Dinner bell dinner bell do the bell thing I'm waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the ding) Dinner bell dinner bell ding ding ding Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the ding) Dinner bell dinner bell ding ding ding Waiting for the dinner bell to do the bell thing (waiting for the ding) Dinner bell dinner bell ding
Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here. Life is skittles and life is beer. I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do, don't you? 'Course you do. But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me, And makes every Sunday a treat for me.
All the world seems in tune On a spring afternoon, When we're poisoning pigeons in the park. Every Sunday you'll see My sweetheart and me, As we poison the pigeons in the park.
When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide, But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide. The sun's shining bright, Everything seems all right, When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We've gained notoriety, And caused much anxiety In the Audubon Society With our games. They call it impiety And lack of propriety, And quite a variety Of unpleasant names. But it's not against any religion To want to dispose of a pigeon.
So if Sunday you're free, Why don't you come with me, And we'll poison the pigeons in the park. And maybe we'll do In a squirrel* or two, While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
We'll murder them all amid laughter and merriment, Except for the few we take home to experiment. My pulse will be quickenin' With each drop of strych'nine We feed to a pigeon. (It just takes a smidgin!) To poison a pigeon in the park.
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Ahh... Weird Al, classic. There are so many hilarious Weird Al songs
Amish Paradise(to the tune of Gansta Paradise) - Weird Al
quote: As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she’s very plain But that’s just perfect for an amish like me You know I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning I’m milkin’ cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and jacob plows... fool And I’ve been milkin’ and plowin’ so long that Even ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I’m a man of the land, I’m into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1699
We been spending most our lives Living in an amish paradise I’ve churned butter once or twice Living in an amish paradise It’s hard work and sacrifice Living in an amish paradise We sell quilts at a discount price Living in an amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek I really don’t care, in fact I wish him well ’cause I’ll be laughing my head off when he’s burning in hell But I ain’t never punched a tourist even if he deserved it An amish with a ’tude? You know that’s unheard of I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree I really look good in black... fool If you come to visit, you’ll be bored to tears We haven’t even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain’t really quaint, so please don’t point and stare We’re just technologically impaired
There’s no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like robinson caruso It’s as primitive as can be
We been spending most our lives Living in an amish paradise We’re just plain and simple guys Living in an amish paradise There’s no time for sin and vice Living in an amish paradise We don’t fight, we all play nice Living in an amish paradise
Hitchin’ up the buggy, churnin’ lots of butter Raised a barn on monday, soon I’ll raise anutter Think you’re really righteous? Think you’re pure in heart? Well, I know I’m a million time as humble as thou art I’m the pious guy the little amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin’ points for the afterlife So don’t be vain and don’t be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie
We been spending most our lives Living in an amish paradise We’re all crazy mennonites Living in an amish paradise There’s no cops or traffic lights Living in an amish paradise But you’d probably think it bites Living in an amish paradise
quote: "Right" said Fred, "Both of us together," One each end And steady as we go (eurgh-heurgh).
Tried to shift it, Couldn't even lift it, We was gettin' nowhere And so we had a cuppa tea and
"Right" said Fred, "Give a shout to Charlie," Up comes Charlie From the floor below...
After straining, Heaving and complaining, We was getting nowhere And so we had a cuppa tea and
Charlie had a think And he thought we ought To take off all the handles And the things what held the candles, But it did no good, Well I never thought it would.
Oh, "Right" said Fred, "Have to take the feet off, To get them feet off Wouldn't take a mo...
Took its feet off, Even took the seat off, Should have got us somewhere, but no, So Fred said "Let's have another cuppa tea" And we said "Righto."
Oh, "Right" said Fred, Have to take the door off, Need more space To shift the so-and-so...
Had bad twinges Taking off the hinges, And it got us nowhere And so we had a cuppa tea and
"Right" said Fred, Have to take the wall down, That there wall Is gonna have to go...
Took the wall down, Even with it all down We was getting nowhere And so we had a cuppa tea and
Charlie had a think And he said "Look, Fred, I've got a sort of feeling, If we remove the ceiling, With a rope or two We could drop the blighter through."
Oh, "Right" said Fred, Climbing up a ladder, With his crowbar Gave a mighty blow...
Was he in trouble, Half a ton of rubble Landed on the top of his dome, So Charlie and me Had another cuppa tea And then we went home.
[Spoken] I said to Charlie, "We'll just have to leave it standing on the landing, that's all. You see, the trouble with Fred is, he's too hasty, and you never get nowhere if you're too hasty."
quote: When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner or Later those you love will do the same for you. And you may have thought it tragic, Not to mention other adjec- Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do. But don't you worry. No more ashes, no more sackcloth. And an armband made of black cloth Will some day never more adorn a sleeve. For if the bomb that drops on you Gets your friends and neighbors too, There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.
And we will all go together when we go. What a comforting fact that is to know. Universal bereavement, An inspiring achievement, Yes, we all will go together when we go.
We will all go together when we go. All suffuse with an incandescent glow. No one will have the endurance To collect on his insurance, Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.
Oh we will all fry together when we fry. We'll be french fried potatoes by and by. There will be no more misery When the world is our rotisserie, Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.
Down by the old maelstrom, There'll be a storm before the calm.
And we will all bake together when we bake. There'll be nobody present at the wake. With complete participation In that grand incineration, Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.
Oh we will all char together when we char. And let there be no moaning of the bar. Just sing out a Te Deum When you see that I.C.B.M., And the party will be "come as you are."
Oh we will all burn together when we burn. There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn. When it's time for the fallout And Saint Peter calls us all out, We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.
You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas. Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dolla's.
And we will all go together when we go. Ev'ry Hottenhot and ev'ry Eskimo. When the air becomes uranious, And we will all go simultaneous. Yes we all will go together When we all go together, Yes we all will go together when we go.
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One of my all-time favorite songs. ![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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