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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2002
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2002
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A man walked into a bar carrying a black bag. he walked up to the bar, sat the bag down, and took out a teeny tiny piano with a teeny tiny man playing a jaunty little tune on it. Both couldn't have been taller than ten inches! The bartender was blown away.
"Wow, that's amazing!! How did you get that?"
The man with the black bag said nothing, but reached into the bag again and took out a golden lamp.
"I used this." The man with the bag finally spoke. "Just rub this lamp, and state what you want. But you have to speak loudly and clearly -- the genie inside is pretty hard of hearing."
With that, the man left to go to the restroom.
The bartender was intrigued, and immediately picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and said,
"I wish for a million bucks!"
Suddenly, the bar was thrown into turmoil. Untold numbers of ducks started flying in through the windows and doors, knocking over tables, breaking everything in sight, and scaring away frightened customers.
When the chaos had calmed down, the man in the bathroom emerged. He viewed the scene around him, stepping gingerly over broken tables and chair legs.
"What happened??"
The bartender was furious.
"Your stupid lamp is completely broken! I wished for a million bucks, and instead, I get a million ducks!"
The man with the black bag just shook his head sadly.
"You think I actually wished for a ten-inch pianist?"
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I went to the store the other day for some quick Christmas shopping, and I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break? There are no handicapped vehicles in the area. I was only inside for a minute." He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner....I try to have a little fun each day. It's important. Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2002
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A panda bear walks into a bar he then orders a sandwich and eats it when he is done he then takes out a gun shoots the bartender with it and walks out
a guy sitting at the bar runs out after him he taps the panda bear and says "Hey, what the hell did you do that for?" the panda bear replys "Look it up in the encyclopedia"
later that night the man is so perplexed that he listens to what the panda bear says and takes out his encyclopedia
he reads the "P" section..and reads behind "Panda Bear"
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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A rope walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey rope, we don't serve your kind here!" So the rope walks out, ties himself up and unravels his ends. Then he walks back in.
The bartender takes one look at him and says "Hey, aren't you a rope?" The rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2002
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