posted
Have you ever cried so much that you think you're going to throw up? That's about where I am right now. I don't have any real purpose for this thread other than for people to maybe try to convince me that all of humanity isn't entirely devoid of feeling.
I hate Chicago. I haven't made any real friends since I got here. Everyone uses me. I'm not nearly as socially successful as I seem. Not by a long shot. I never have been.
I hate New Orleans, too. I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and I'm starting to think I'll never belong, no matter where I live or what I do or how many fake friends I have.
I just want someone to be my friend. My real friend. Who really, honestly enjoys spending time with me and doesn't just call me because I can spare $20 or because I can get him/her on the guest list for whatever the concert of the night is
I want to meet a guy who really doesn't mind terribly that I won't have sex with him. Or that I'm really into having a career. Or that I like to be called on the phone every day, even if there's nothing to say besides, "How was your day?"
I just want people to CARE about me. I care about them. I care about everyone. Way too much, I'm sure.
I'm starting to question if I've ever had any real friends. Or if anyone has ever really loved me.
I feel so alone here, but I know I'm going to feel just as alone in New Orleans, too.
I'm just very, very depressed, and I have been for quite a while, and a lot of things happened recently to make it much more obvious to me.
I like to think that people enjoy spending time with me for ME, but I'm constantly reminded that this is not the case.
I'm so desperate for companionship that I'm considering moving out to San Francisco because a girl I went to school with freshman year lives there, and she actually talks to me and seems to care about how I feel and what I'm going through.
What is it that's so fundamentally wrong with me that I can't keep friends or relationships for more than a few months?
posted
*tissue* I am sorry. I have trouble making friends myself, and a relationship at this point in time seems hopeless... Though, I seem to be rather madly in love though... I am sorry you feel alone and if I were there I would hang out with you as long as you did not drag me to see terrible movies. *pours tea*
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
(((pH))) You're not the only one who's ever felt that way. I've spent most of my life wondering if there's a place where I belong. I felt like a sailboat adrift on an open sea with no land in sight.
Then I found Hatrack.
I don't know that I have any advice, but it might be comforting to know that you're not the only one who's ever felt that way.
Posts: 4569 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
I have teh same problem, Pearce. Probably for different reasons then you, but, I always feel like people don't really like spending time with me.
But that doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with you or me. In my case, I find its because I'm a very intense person. Thats draining for a lot of people. I also have a weird slow manner of speaking, and that can be off-putting. I like being intense, and having a slow manner of speaking isn't a "fundamental character flaw."
You might want to talk to family members that you care about, or other people you don't consider "friends" to tell you if there's something that makes it hard for people to hang out with you. You might have quirks you are unaware of that make it hard for people to spend time with you.
Alternatively, you might look at the type of people you make friends with. A lot of people who get into the music scene ARE fundamentally unreliable people. It has to do with being of an artistic bent, I suspect (and note: my grandmother is of an artistic bent, and fundamentally unreliable until very recently. This is not meant as a derogatory statement at artists. My grandmother is quite possibly the most brilliant person I've ever met). Do you make friends with, primarily, artists? That might be a problem if you want extreme reliability.
Where do you seek out your friends? Meeting people at bars is a notoriously unreliable way to make friends, as an example.
It might be that you need to seek out more stable people, rather then seeking out people who have similar interests. If you seek out stable people, and then within that set of people look for the subset of people you enjoy, that might be better then looking for people you enjoy, and then trying to find the subset of those people who are stable, because of the search methodologies those two methods imply.
If its any consolation, I'm a big fan of yours, Kat, and you can always talk to me.
[ December 03, 2005, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Paul Goldner ]
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Pearce, I've really been kicking myself that I missed seeing you when you came down here. I think you're cool.
Bob's advice is good. There are great people out there, but it can sometimes feel like it's taking way too long to find them. But keep looking, and remember that they're looking for you, too.
Posts: 1068 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote: I hate Chicago. I haven't made any real friends since I got here.
I know I'm a bit far and a bit too old to fall into the "real friend" category, but the invitation is STILL open, y'know. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
First of all, I really liked the thread title. We get so many threads here that could bear that title, but yours was the only one that did.
Second of all, I think the key thing that resonated with me in your post was this:
quote:I'm just very, very depressed, and I have been for quite a while, and a lot of things happened recently to make it much more obvious to me.
Perhaps if you get help with your depression (there are pills now that work wonders, you know) things will look up. A change in mood, a change in perception, suddenly, you are more fun to be with, more engaging, the "work" of socializing seems less like work, and you find your situation changed.
Third, I'd be glad to schmooze with you for no other reason than the pleasure of your company. I mean, I'm on Hatrack, like, all the time. Post a "Who wants to schmooze?" thread, any I'll be all over it!
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I definitely am considering going back on antidepressants (Wellbutrin, specifically).
I have a lot of trouble with therapists and psychiatrists. I'm a very bad patient. I hate therapists and tend to lie to them because I feel as though they're judging me. And I generally love psychiatrists and will be very honest with them at first but will later start to lie about my feelings so that they think they're making wonderful progress because I want them to think they're good at their jobs.
Also, I have a pattern of quitting medication without even consulting my doctor.
posted
And why would you do that? Lie to your therapists, quit your medications? Don't you like yourself? Don't you want to be better?
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I lie to therapists because, in general, I don't like them. I have yet to meet a therapist I liked.
And as I said, I feel sorry for my psychiatrists, so I lie to them, too. I guess I kind of feel like a hopeless case, and I don't want to drag them down by telling them that what they're doing really isn't working as well as they want it to.
And I stop taking medication when it scares me. Like, there are certain medications I've been on that are not recommended for more than a year because of the risk of degenerative nerve disease. I'll stop taking them if I've been on them for a long time and find out about that, generally. Also, I'll stop taking them if I feel they have a horrible side effect, and my doctor doesn't understand how much I dislike this side effect.
Mostly, I hate having to take pills every day. A lot of people with OCD have trouble staying on medication because we tend to have control issues.
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: Perhaps if you get help with your depression (there are pills now that work wonders, you know) things will look up.
Careful, don't let Tom Cruise hear you say that. Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
No, they're both attorneys. They have very limited knowledge of ocd and depression (though they do heavy research on every drug I've taken), but I think I finally got my mother to read a book about it last year. That was a good thing.
posted
At least you are not a penguin *Watching this penguin movie*
But, you belong to a religion, right? Is there a religious therapist that you can see? Someone who will help you to deal with these issues without judgement? Do you have a bit of social phobia like I do? (though my case is a bit different, a huge chuck of me seems to like being alone and rarely gets homesick, but I can relate to the feeling of not belonging and longing for close good friends like I had when I was in college, and perhaps a mate would be nice (Especially if it was...)) But is there a way to treat tehse issues without pills or something? Please do not feel hopeless...
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I've been told that I require therapy at least once a week, maybe twice. I can't get that through the school, as most of them can only schedule appointments for twice a month, max. So I'd have to find an outside therapist, which is probably something I should do.
I don't really have social anxiety at all. I love meeting new people. I love to go out and have a good time with them. I just don't feel like any of them want to be out having a good time with ME. You know?
Also, I'm far too clingy, and I know it scares people away, but I'm deathly afraid of being abandoned by those I care about.
posted
Eh, I can understand the hating therapist part. I don't like em either. I can also understand the forgeting to take meds or quitting them. Been there, and still do it. Albeit, the meds I quit taking weren't for depression. I probably should be on some, but the service wouldn't like that so I have to hide it.
((pH)), you're a good person. I can tell that from the few e-mails you sent me. I'm just sorry my responses weren't all that. I find it difficult to hold intelligent conversations in the written/typed word. I'm sure if I met you in person you would be a fun person to hang out with.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
I don't think that you are alone in feeling alone.
Personally, I'm lucky if I have one or two close friends at any given time. Right now, I have none. That's probably because I've just moved, and it takes me a while to get close friends.
It's difficult sometimes, I go to class and during break, or before class everyone is standing around talking, and it feels like I am the only person who isn't in a group. And because I'm in law school, where people skills and networking matter, and I suck at networking, I really feel inferior.
I wish that I could give you advice, but all I can say is "patience", and hope that as you get older that you will be less bothered by it. I know that while I am a little disquieted now by feeling left out, it is nothing compared to the soul-crushing feeling of uselessness that I used to have.
Posts: 561 | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote:I don't really have social anxiety at all. I love meeting new people. I love to go out and have a good time with them. I just don't feel like any of them want to be out having a good time with ME. You know?
That sounds like social anxiety to me. . .it doesn't manifest in the same form all the time.
Posts: 650 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I'm pretty intense myself. Some might say it's a bit clingy. When I like people I like people TOO MUCH. I did see a rather nice German psychologist who would at times glare at me like a hawk, but I did like her.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
You remind me of my friend a little. It's very tough for her to feel liked/loved, because like you she loves to talk and do things and can't stand passive things like watching people play computer games.
I always feel ill-qualified at handing out advice, except to say there are people like you out there. Maybe join some kind of drama or production-related club? drama-type people usually like to talk a lot and they tend to be very, very caring, if you'll let them. They also tend to exist less in the mainstream world and might understand where you're coming from a little more.
It's also easier to meet people if you're doing something at the same time.
Also, remember that a friendship needs to be formed both ways, so when you find a person or group that's willing to listen and reach out to you, be ready to reach out and listen to them, because then the link grows stronger!
EDIT: This particular friend of mine feels kind of the same way that when she's with her friends they don't really want to be with her. Even I have to be very careful what I say because if I say something like "I'm tired" when we're out together, she might take that to mean I don't want to be with her, or I'm not interested in her interests or what happens to her. That's not the case, I'm just my own person saying something that happens to be true.
There might be someone among your friends, there may be many of them, who just aren't as demonstrative as you'd like, but do actually care about you. It takes me about a year to form a real friendship and about two or three years to really get close to someone and even then I'm not a particularly "close" person. But I do care about my friends very much.
People will like you!
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
pH, it would be very cool if you moved out to San Francisco! Then we could be friends too. or friends who see each other once in a while, since people don't hafta be in the same physical location to be friends. So you can try my in the virtual realm: serdtse AT gmail.com
Hope you feel less depressed, pH. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Thanks for letting us know.
Posts: 1056 | Registered: Mar 2002
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I'm really sorry you're feeling all that right now. I've been feeling pretty horrible lately, too. I seem to have lost the ability to make friends. When I started college in 2003 and went up to New York, I only made one friend in a semester and a half. Then I came back here and the only friends I have are 4 from high school, and they've all got new friends they've made in college so I feel pretty alone. I'm sorry I don't have any advice; I just wanted to commiserate with you. But I think there's hope for you, because you don't seem nearly as screwed up as I am. :P I think I missed out on whatever stage of development in which people learn how to interact in social situations.
quote:I just want people to CARE about me. I care about them. I care about everyone. Way too much, I'm sure.
I can relate to this a lot. Since I mainly lurk, I feel like a know people a lot more than they know me, and in turn feel a lot closer to them than they me. And I want to be one of them and go to gatherings and chat on aim and email and everything and it's depressing that I'm not. I doubt anyone online would even notice if I disappeared.
Posts: 1658 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Because there seems to be quite a large group of us feeling much the same way, I vote we start up a club. Club About Lonely Lurkers. In fact, if anyone's (Anyone!) interested I have an aim chat room set up, join me if you wish: CALL.
Posts: 1215 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Hey, RRR. Your post there sounds a lot like me. I could have written it. It's sorta weird but I guess there are more loners than I thought. So add me to the commiserating group.
And I have been super procrastinating, otherwise I would check out the chatroom. Thanks aiua.
Posts: 1056 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
I have cried so much I wanted to throw up, and been so angry I was convinced if the object of my anger were there, very bad things would've happened.
Fortunately for me, I have never cried about your particular subject, but self-pity in general, I think I've done my share to replenish the world's oceans. It may sound like I'm making fun of you, but I want to make sure you understand, I'm not.
The trouble with being human is that, sometimes, we feel in enormous quantities. This is either a mixed blessing or a mixed curse, depending on whether you're at the crest or in the trough.
I hope it will help, at least a little, to see this thread with Hatrackers who you've met (easier to think of them as 'people' that way) who have felt the same way. Humanity isn't entirely devoid of feeling-quite the opposite. We feel in gobs and gobs and gobs.
There isn't anything 'wrong' with you. Human beings just aren't ideally functioning creatures of perfection. We've all got our foibles and our skills, and frankly for someone not to cry so hard they wanted to throw up, sometimes, that would be a bigger indicator of malfunction than the crying itself.
I think you're pretty cool. Hell, even your screen name has pazazz (pizazz, puhzazz?). I've also got faith that you'll overcome this problem, probably sooner than you think you will.
My advice is probably what you've given yourself already-take a look at your history with psychiatrists and therapists, and try and change past behaviors. There isn't much you can do about not liking therapists-and frankly I can't entirely blame you, I can easily imagine meeting lots of therapists and not liking any of them. And try to change your outlook on psychiatrists when you see them (and above all, start seeing one again, soon). They are trained to know that quick, easy fixes are the things of television and TV dinners. They will not be hurt, they will not think themselves low-quality psychiatrists, if your efforts together do not bear quick and easy fruit.
As I've said, this is probably something you've told yourself before, but depression is a tricky, slippery thing. It confuses us, makes us doubt our rational thoughts, makes us think we are both greater and lesser than we truly are. It's like a busted compass. So I'll just add my post here, and hopefully the cumulative weight will help persuade you all the more quickly.
Oh, and I also suggest visting Tom. I hear he's pretty cool and stuff.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
pH, there are a lot of people who have felt like you feel now. Count me in.
What helped for me was deciding to draw boundaries. What kind of behavior in me did I not like, and what kind of behavior was I no longer willing to put up with in other people?
You mention
quote:call me because I can spare $20 or because I can get him/her on the guest list for whatever the concert of the night is
Okay, I get it. You don't like feeling used. So don't. Don't let people use you. Say no. Firmly, and mean it. Don't let them do whatever it is that makes you feel bad about you.
If you're hanging around people who you feel use you, then you're not really giving people who wouldn't use you the time and/or opportunity to get to know you.
Change your tactics. Start acting the way you want to act, and don't allow behavior around you that makes you feel bad. If someone behaves in a way that you think is inappropriate, then either tell them no or get away from them.
You don't need to be so clingy as to hang out with people who damage you.
You will find friends who treat you well. You will.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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From most of what I've read here on Hatrack I think you're a good person. Of course, we've never met face to face, but I have no reason to think otherwise and your posts lead me to believe you're a great person.
You're not alone and I doubt there's anything fundamentally wrong with you. Sometimes it's just hard to meet the right people no matter what kind of person you are.
It's a very hard situation to be in, I think pretty much everyone goes through the same thing at one point in their life... just once if they're lucky, but I think it happens more often than you'd think.
quote: I don't really have social anxiety at all. I love meeting new people. I love to go out and have a good time with them. I just don't feel like any of them want to be out having a good time with ME. You know?
Pearce, this is me in a nutshell. And it IS social anxiety -- because it means I'm always thinking, at the back of my mind, "Does he or she REALLY like hanging out with me, or are they just doing this out of pity? Do they want something from me?"
It's like a form of mental cancer. I've often said that the one superpower I WOULDN'T want is telepathy, because I couldn't bear to know what people actually thought of me.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
pH, I know how you feel. If you ever need to talk to someone, I'll be on AIM as vianeygpe. I hope I can do something for you.
Posts: 3389 | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Rappin' Ronnie Reagan: ((((Pearce))))
I'm really sorry you're feeling all that right now. I've been feeling pretty horrible lately, too. I seem to have lost the ability to make friends. When I started college in 2003 and went up to New York, I only made one friend in a semester and a half. Then I came back here and the only friends I have are 4 from high school, and they've all got new friends they've made in college so I feel pretty alone. I'm sorry I don't have any advice; I just wanted to commiserate with you. But I think there's hope for you, because you don't seem nearly as screwed up as I am. I think I missed out on whatever stage of development in which people learn how to interact in social situations.
quote:I just want people to CARE about me. I care about them. I care about everyone. Way too much, I'm sure.
I can relate to this a lot. Since I mainly lurk, I feel like a know people a lot more than they know me, and in turn feel a lot closer to them than they me. And I want to be one of them and go to gatherings and chat on aim and email and everything and it's depressing that I'm not. I doubt anyone online would even notice if I disappeared.
As many other people have said, this sounds like I could have written it.
I'm a sophomore, and I have no close friends at my university. Everytime I meet someone I'd like to be close to, I clam up and get scared of doing anything, because I'm sure that whatever I do will make them not like me. All of my friends from home went off to school this year and they're finding it really easy to make friends and do things. I feel awful for it, but sometimes I wish they were having as hard a time as I am, just so I wouldn't feel like such a freak.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
You can't expect people to want to have a relationship with you when you don't have a good one with yourself.
I used to have real problems making friends and being social. I was self-conscious and afraid of being judged. I tried medication and counseling which helped to a point (counseling helped me define what my issues are and medication, by not working, made me realize this was a fight I was gonna have to win on my own.) Then my littlest brother was diagnozed with diabetes. Watching his brave face reminded me how blessed I was. It was the final straw that knocked me out of my depression.
I spent the following months being appreciative of myself. My self-esteem was up and those around me could tell. People flock to confidence when looking to start friendships. But they'll never be able to read that on a person who is depressed. In the last two months I've strengthened my old relationships, begun new ones, cut ties on the destructive ones, and entered into a romantic relationship.
From what I've seen of your posts on the board, pH, you're a great person and should the New Orleans meet-up ever happen I look forward to getting to know you. It may just be a matter for you of tearing that down wall that is turning potential friends away.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Wow, pH. Been there, felt that, for way extended periods of time. I won't go into detail on public forum, but I'm happy to listen if you want to e-mail.
My best suggestion, though, is to start cultivating your relationship with yourself.
This is NOT a selfish thing. My impression of your posts here on the forum is that you do care for others - allow yourself to do so in safe ways (for ex., volunteer in your community with a local non-profit organization), BUT really start planning to do special things just for you - even it's just making sure you listen to your internal messages about what you need and meeting those needs for yourself in ways that work for you.
And erosomniac is correct - the PacNW is a great place to be! With lots of interesting folks. And things to do. Just remember, though - no matter the geographic change, you're still you, with the same hopes, fears, needs, dreams!
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Many thanks to Rico for listening to me whine for hours on the phone last night, even though I probably didn't make much sense in my semi-conscious state.
I'm not feeling much better today. Sleep helped with the absolute hysteria, but I'll probably still start crying at some point during the day.
My parents finally agreed to pay for my Wellbutrin though, so I guess I'll start that tomorrow. The biggest thing I remember about being on Wellbutrin was that it gave me energy to do things all day. I haven't had energy for months.
I haven't left the house in three days. Honestly. I've been living on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stealing orange juice from my roommates. I've been taking way more ativan than usual because I find it impossible to relax, as I am forever worrying about...everything.
At some point during the day, I need to find the motivation to shower and go to the computer lab to work on an analysis.
Some guy I don't really know just invited me to dinner and a movie. I don't know. I wish I could sleep through the next two weeks. I really do.
posted
You know, staying in the house will probably just make things worse, as will eating badly and all that stuff. Try doing something out in the world, such as going for a walk- something low-stress but yet active. Activiate your brain, also. Don't try and force yourself to relax, but do something active, but really simple, like crosswords or math puzzles or whatever it is you like to do, or you don't like to do.
And maybe you should go out for the dinner and the movie? The more you feel bad, the more you'll feel bad, if you know what I mean.
posted
pH, you also might have a little bit of a post-trauma thing going on. I know you werent actually caught in the hurricane, but you did have your life pretty well disrupted by it. Hysteria and crying are pretty reasonable under those circumstances. Even weeks and months later.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Umm, Pearce, Nyquil as a sleep aid? not a good idea. Please don't go down the path of self-medicating, even a little bit, until you've got the depression and OCD stuff back under control.
Sorry to be preachy, but I've seen this kind of thing go very very wrong.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I don't sleep very well unless I take something, which is partly why I have the prescription for Ativan. I try really hard not to take the ativan too often though because I know it's habit-forming, and the last thing I need is to get hooked on something.
I hope the Wellbutrin does some good. I don't even feel like getting dressed. I finally convinced myself to take a shower. I told this guy who invited me out that I'd only go see the movie with him if he'd come to the computer lab with me first, thus insuring that my homework gets finished.
quote:And it IS social anxiety -- because it means I'm always thinking, at the back of my mind, "Does he or she REALLY like hanging out with me, or are they just doing this out of pity? Do they want something from me?"
Is this not a normal way to feel? Posts: 1681 | Registered: Jun 2004
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