It's called Depraved Mundanity.

quote:

---

The first rays of the infant dawn fought their way through the heavy curtains of the hotel room window. The man was still awake. He lay in the plush, king size bed, two young women on either side of him. The man didn’t know either of their names, nor they his. They couldn’t be sure exactly how they all came together. Vague memories of trendy nightclubs, coarse flirtations, and what seemed like gallons of alcohol were just out of reach.

The redhead on his right lay asleep flat on her back, a white sheet wrapped tightly around her naked body. The other woman was awake. She was blonde. Dye job, the man decided. She propped herself up on her elbow, sipping on a glass of Cristal and smoking a cigarette.

---

In terms of the over-all style, it seems to be to be rather heavy on the descriptors. for instance, "The first rays of the infant dawn" are pretty redundant - if it's dawn, the fact that it's the first rays is implicit - or vice versa, if its the first rays, it's implicit that its dawn. You could cut about half of your text and still retain all the necessary info. Have you considered posting to Oliverhouse to see what he would do with it?

quote:

---

if two young women are on either side of him, that makes four young women in the bed with your MC.

---

HA! I didn't even realize that. What a moronn. I've changed that

quote:

---

Seriously, though, it's always vaguely depressing to me to hear a person coldly analyzing the faults of someone they eagerly hopped into bed with just a few hours earlier. If you're going for a not very likable MC, you've got my vote.

---

I don't make this out to be a good thing. Despite teh provacative opening, there's no sex in the story. Two f-bombs, are the only swearing.

Thanks for you thoughts.

Another change I would make if to bring the POV down a little closer - enough of this "the man" stuff. Give us a few him's or he's, or (gasp!) a name maybe. He might not know their names, but if he doesn't know his own, then this story is headed in a direction I really did not expect.

In all seriousness, though, this being literary fiction, you might need to work the language a little bit - elevate it slightly, give the narration from the perspective of the man. The narrative seems a little distant to me, and you lose the immediacy of the moment, you lose what he is feeling in this moment. Is he bemused that he ended up this way? Dismissive of the women? Pry down into his head a little further, see what you can find.

It's heavy reading. There are too many descriptions, a POV issue and nothing happens.

Sorry to be so negative.

POV issues for me:

"heavy curtains" . . how does he know? Does he really think they are heavy? Would he think of them this way?

"Nor they his" . . how does he know what they know. Maybe they stole his wallet during the sex-fest.
"sipping on a class of Cristal" - how does he know what's in the glass?

Also, he's seeing a lot of detail for a room that is barely lit.

Heaviness:

"Infant dawn" - groan
"Heavy curtains"
"plush, king sized bed" -
"young women" - okay this I could live with but not after all of that.
"nor" - where's the neither. Other than lawyers like myself, do you know anyone who thinks this word?

"flat on her back" - well okay. How else could she be on her back?
"White sheet" - do I care it's white?

At the end of 13 lines I have no idea what your story is about. If you cut out most of the adjectives, you'll have the space to get to the start of the story.

quote:

---

Dawn fought its way through the curtains of the hotel room window. The man was still awake. He lay in the king size bed, a young woman on either side of him. He didn’t know either of their names, and he’d never told them his. They couldn’t be sure exactly how they all came together. Vague memories of trendy nightclubs, coarse flirtations, and what seemed like gallons of alcohol were just out of reach.

The redhead on his right lay asleep on her back, a white sheet wrapped tightly around her naked body. The other woman was awake. She was blonde. Dye job, the man decided. She propped herself up on her elbow, sipping on a glass of Cristal and smoking a cigarette.

---

The writing seems fine to me, apart from the first image of dawn fighting through the curtain which didn't really work for me.

It was now lunch time an they were all sitting under the double green fly of the dining tent pretending that nothing had happened.

"Will you have lime juice or lemon squash?" Macomber asked.

"I'll have a gimlet," Robert Wilson told him.

"I'll have a gimlet, too," Macomber's wife said.

"I suppose it's the thing to do," Macomber agreed. "Tell him to make three gimlets."

First, notice what Hemingway doesn't do. He does not flash back to the event all the people are ignoring. Second, notice how the relationships between the three main characters is established in that seemingly inconsequential dialog.

Check 'em out at www.glimmertrain.com.

debhoag,
Since you offered I'm gonna go ahead and zip it to you to see what you think.

JOHN!

First, please understand what the critic means when he says "hook". To me, a hook is not just conflict. You don't need conflict within the first 13 lines.

A hook, in my opinion, is simply anything that causes the reader to turn the page. Anything. (The 1st thirteen are roughly the first page.)

So, that hook could be, yes, conflict, or it could be an interesting question. It could be a unique scenario, or a character that does something interesting enough for the reader to desire more information. It could be an interesting voice.

Of course, it can also be really good writing. Writing so clear and clean and full of promise that you don't care what the author is talking about. You'll turn the page just because the writing is so good.

That is Hemingway's hook. And it's in most of his stories.

An truly great writers--and in my opinion there have only ever been a handful of "truly great writers"--can pull off a story about nothing (though it really is when in retrospect). A writer that is merely good or competent, would have to get luck to do it.

I don't mean any disrespect when I say you're no Hemingway, yet. Thus, I feel you do need something else to draw us into the story.

Also, I agree on the heavy descriptions. I feel the best descriptions are unexpected, fresh, and unobtrusive (meaning they don't create speed bumps in the story.)

My advice on descriptions is to visualize the room in detail. Then list what the reader absolutely must know about the room--like there are two women in bed. Do we absolutely need to know one is a redhead and the other blond? Maybe--that's your decision.

Then, think about the details the reader just could not guess. The bed probably has sheets. I don't need to know that. There's a gray smear where an ashtray had spilled during the night? That's not expected. It might even tell a story about how last night went--that would be your decision too. (Just using the ashtray as an example.)

"Vague memories of trendy nightclubs, coarse flirtations, and what seemed like gallons of alcohol were just out of reach."
Read this sentence carefully. It is confusing, and seems to me to be a contradiction. The memories may be vague, OR they may be just out of reach - but this reads as though they are vague memories AND just out of reach. How can they be both?