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This came to me all at once tonight. This has never happened before that a story appeared fully formed in my head! Wow! It was really fun. Anyway, I am looking for feedback on the 13 and I have the complete story if anyone would like to look. I plan to send this to Everyday fiction (before friday, I need the points), since its under the 1000 word mark and kind of silly.
Title: My Superpower I can pretty much find anything. I realized this when I had kids and a husband. They were always losing something, but I could always find it. My husband would lose his cawhatzits. I didn’t need to know exactly what it was or even where he lost it, just that it was lost and a rough description of the AWOL item. I would wander around the garage, dish towel in my hand, lifting up the dead batteries and swishing around the half-filled oil pans and sure as **** it would appear. Anything. If they lost it, I could find it. It was a puzzle to me, how I could and they couldn’t. That was before I knew it was my superpower. I always got so mad at them. “You lost it, you find it, dammit.” I would bellow. “But Ma-ah-ahm” It is a wonder how a 5 year who cannot speak
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 15, 2008).]
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I got a rejection letter once that said a character biography rarely works as an opening. I think this would be much better if you showed me her "superpower" through a scene of her using it. As it stands, this isn't really working for me.
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Stephen King's "Dreamcatcher" has a character with this uncanny ability, I would suggest reading it (or at least the first few chapters) to get a feeling for how he describes it.
I agree with Once, showing would be much stronger than a your bio here.
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Hey! This is my superpower! I can find things!
Okay, on to your lines. The superpower itself isn't all that stimulating, but it works because you've got a humorous twist to it. My main problem is that you're moving backward, describing what already happened, rather than moving forward. So far you've got a set up but no story.
I can pretty much find anything. I realized this when I had kids and a husband. They were always losing something, but I could always find it. My husband would lose his cawhatzits. I didn’t need to know exactly what it was or even where he lost it, just that it was lost and a rough description of the AWOL item. I would wander around the garage, dish towel in my hand, lifting up the dead batteries and swishing around the half-filled oil pans and sure as **** it would appear. Anything. If they lost it, I could find it. It was a puzzle to me, how I could and they couldn’t. That was before I knew it was my superpower. I always got so mad at them. This is where I began to lose interest. I don't care what used to happen. I suggest cutting this out unless it's got some relevance to the story at hand. I'm still waiting for the story here. Your hook is a light one; I think it requires moving quickly into the story in order not to lose the reader. “You lost it, you find it, dammit.” I would bellow. “But Ma-ah-ahm” It is a wonder how a 5 year who cannot speak two words clearly can add multiple syllables to a name. So the kids kept growing and the stuff they lost just kept getting bigger. We went
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If you are looking for a way to start without doing a bio, you might try sitting in 1st person and detailing one instance in which your character had to find "X" and you might make "X" something crazy ridiculous, big, small, miniscule or just plain wierd. Buenas suerte!
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Thanks for all the comments. I moved things around a bit. It's still ~1000 words. Thanks Leslie
I can pretty much find anything. After all, it’s my superpower. But this was bigger than anything I had ever found. The three in my kitchen were serious men, I could tell. They had trim hair, dark suits, and their shoes were very shiny. Two sat at my linoleum table. The one with glasses kept pushing them back up his nose, a lot. The other one thrummed the table top with only his thumb and pinky. A third one, he had to be the boss, paced, back and forth across my kitchen. He looked down so hard, I kept sneaking a peak to see if there was a novel or the word of god inscribed on the new vinyl floor. I wished he would just sit down, he was making my cat nervous. I wasn’t sure I could help them. Finding car keys or even the car that ought to be attached was one thing. But, this was another thing, indeed.
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited September 16, 2008).]
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I'd read on from the second version. I don't mind the teasing but I'd want to know fairly soon what they want her to find, Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006
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First, I make it a point to never stop a story in progress to read a story that's supposed to be just like mine. It's mine, and a)I don't want to be unconsciously influenced by the other story, and b) if I don't read the other story until after I'm done, I can't be accused of plagarism (well, I guess I could be, but my conscience would be clear, you know?).
Second, you start by saying you are writing a philosophical piece. So are the three guys in the kitchen in your original story, or are you changing the plot because of what readers are saying? If it came to you whole, that's pretty powerful. I'd pick up some readers on the original before making major changes. It could just be that it's not the typical hatracker's cuppa.
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Your descriptions are very vivid. I laughed at the "word of god" line. Genuinely funny. I'll look at the rest. In any case, I owe you.
Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2008
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Thanks everyone! I was at a wedding yesterday and am jammed until late today but I will send out copies to all who offer to read!
And debhoag, I agree. I appreciate the comments that I can learn from a particular author based on his or her treatment of something, but I am too much of a sponge to be able to then write in a similar way or about a similar topic without some time for processing.
Until this is done, I am staying away from other finder stories!
I'm also not sure what you mean by philosophical piece. Did I inadvertently say that somewhere? I didn't change the plot a bit, not at all. I just tightened it up and moved some of the action to the beginning. The three guys in the kitchen really are the point of the story, they have lost something pretty big.
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