posted
This is a work in progress. I originally wrote it in first person and decided to switch to third person. Borderline between science fiction or fantasy:
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Pete sat on the sand with his eyes drawn to the flames of his campfire. The breakup refused to leave him alone and replayed itself over and over again in his head. How could he ever survive high school graduation with Gwen in the arms of her new boyfriend? He looked out over the lagoon to view the serenity of a cloudless night sky filled with the awesome beauty of a full moon. The scene tried its best to give him peace, but his body refused to let go of his frustrated anguish.
“Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!”
Pete’s insides did their best to jump out of his body when the last of this symphony ended in a horrendous shriek. Something huge plunged into the lagoon. Splashing water drowned out the intruder’s tirade, but where had he come from?
“Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!”: This seems portentous, but I don't know what it refers to. His attempt at jumping out of his body? It doesn't seem to work.
You might want to put 'Glen' in the second sentence so the reader knows what sort of breakup you're referring to. (Or leave the second sentence out since it duplicates the message of the third sentence, which I think is clearer).
Several sentences, like the second, give action to abstractions. A breakup can't refuse, a scene can't try, insides can't do their best, a body can't refuse to let go of anguish (which is a mental state). One of these is okay as a poetic device, but it becomes distracting when there are four such constructions in 13 lines.
Something huge....but where did he.... In one sentence the intruder is an 'it' (a something); in the next, the intruder is a 'he', with no further information given for this transformation.
I'm not sure what the metaphor of 'symphony' refers to.
“Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!”: This seems portentous, but I don't know what it refers to. His attempt at jumping out of his body? It doesn't seem to work.
I really didn't think it was necessary to spell it out to the reader. It seems very obvious that these sounds of utter shock did not come from Pete. Otherwise, I would've said so.
You might want to put 'Glen' in the second sentence so the reader knows what sort of breakup you're referring to. (Or leave the second sentence out since it duplicates the message of the third sentence, which I think is clearer).
May I ask where you see a "Glen" in my story or is this a misprint on your part? The person in question is "Gwen", Pete's ex-girlfriend. The second sentence shows how the breakup won't leave Pete alone, and the third sentence explains why. These two sentences say two distinctly different things.
Several sentences, like the second, give action to abstractions. A breakup can't refuse, a scene can't try, insides can't do their best, a body can't refuse to let go of anguish (which is a mental state). One of these is okay as a poetic device, but it becomes distracting when there are four such constructions in 13 lines.
On the contrary; haven't you ever had thoughts that won't leave you alone and keep replaying over and over again in your mind? You might be right with "a scene can't try", though I've gone to places hoping that what I see there will help take my mind off my troubles. Personally, I thought I portrayed this quite well. And for "a body can't refuse to let go of anguish"; Yes, it can. When that body is tense with it and won't relax. I'm not trying to be "poetic" here but state what Pete is feeling and why.
Something huge....but where did he.... In one sentence the intruder is an 'it' (a something); in the next, the intruder is a 'he', with no further information given for this transformation.
Once again, you have totally missed the obvious. Pete heard “Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!” Then he heard something huge fall into the lagoon. The logical conclusion was the voice came from the object that fell. Pete heard the voice, and it was male. Otherwise Pete would've thought the person in question was a woman. I feel I'm very much within my rights on this in my writing.
I'm not sure what the metaphor of 'symphony' refers to.
You are very much a literal person, aren't you? Symphony is a sarcastic referral to the noises made by the man who fell into the lagoon starting with “Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!” and ending in "a horrendous shriek". How could you miss that?
I'm amazed at how something so simply written could be so badly misinterpreted. I know you mean well, but this is one of the rare occasions that I think the reviewer is way off base. Sorry, but that is just my honest opinion, and I try to keep a very open mind when it comes to crits.
posted
I think you've got the makings of an interesting scene here, but there were a couple of things that jumped out at me.
(1) The setting seemed a bit canned. A guy named Glen (just kidding!) sitting on a beach starring into a campfire at a beautiful lagoon where "a cloudless night sky [is] filled with the awesome beauty of a full moon." And what's he doing? Pining about a teenage relationship gone bad. None of these elements are in and of themselves objectionable, but they're very commonly used. I think you'd have a better chance of drawing in the reader with a less conventional setting. Alternatively, try finding a more compelling way to set the scene. I.e., "Pete's eyes reflected the orange flames of the fire, the still blue waters of the lagoon, and the eternal gray-white of Earth's ancient companion; but all he saw was Gwen." A bit purple, perhaps, but you get the idea.
(2) I undertand the action in the following, but I don't think it works.
“Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!”
Pete’s insides did their best to jump out of his body when the last of this symphony ended in a horrendous shriek. Something huge plunged into the lagoon. Splashing water drowned out the intruder’s tirade, but where had he come from?
I don't think that the three distinct onomatopœia work together. Maybe try not even describing the sound. "Suddenly the world exploded with noise and...."
"Pete's insides did their best to jump out of his body...." Sorry to harp on this, but it sounds canned. I would probably stop reading here, just because this is the 3rd or 4th well-worn story element I've come across, and it makes me think that the story is probably not going to be that original. I'm not saying that to be harsh, but that was my first impression and I think editors will be at least that stringent.
I think "cacaphony" would be better than "symphony" here. A symphony to me implies coordination, whereas a cacaphony seems to better capture the chaos of the scene.
Finally, the "tirade" seems to come out of nowhere. What was the tirade before it got drowned out?
I didn't know you were so fragile? Ooo-who, Ahhhaha, heehee. Get it? Crystal, fragile, he-he-he. I crack myself up.
Okay, I think you may have overreacted, my tree-climbing friend. Here's my take. This opening has way too much telling over showing. Easily fixable
quote:Pete sat on the sand with his eyes drawn to the flames of his campfire. The breakup refused to leave him alone and replayed itself over and over again in his head.
The first line is alright but when handcuffed to the second it is out of place. A lot of people like to stare into a campfire because they find it serene. Although adverbs are frowned upon, I think one is in order here. The second line is off because you treated 'breakup' as if it were a noun. All it needs is a minor change and it will read a bit clearier.
Pete sat on the sand, his misty eyes drawn to the flames of his campfire. Memory of the breakup refused to leave him alone and replayed itself over and over again in his head
quote: How could he ever survive high school graduation with Gwen in the arms of her new boyfriend?
This line isn't bad but it's too much like a 1st person perspective. If it's an active thought, italicise it. If not try a different angle something like...
Pete's teeth would grind whenever he thought of Gwen in the arms of her new boyfriend
okay, not great but I think you get the drift.
quote:He looked out over the lagoon to view the serenity of a cloudless night sky filled with the awesome beauty of a full moon. The scene tried its best to give him peace, but his body refused to let go of his frustrated anguish.
The first sentence is pretty good (I'd change 'looked' to 'gazed'), but the second is telling all the way. Chop the first in half and use the full-moon to emphathize his black mood.
He gazed out over the lagoon. The serenity of a cloudless night sky framed in the awesome beauty of a full moon rising above the sea failed to help mend his broken heart.
quote:“Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!”
Okay, you got to admit this comes out of nowhere. I read your reasoning but this could be the result of one out of a hundred different scenarios. A couple skinny dipping, someone jumping in cold water, a person just getting a punch line, a swimmer experiencing the first bites of a shark, someone jumping off a cliff, someone getting an awesome massage, someone walking over hot coals in bare feet. See what I mean? All we have at this point is a broken hearted boy, sitting by a campfire on the beach. We don't know if the beach is all sand or near a cliff. We don't know if he's alone or not. We don't know if there is anyone else around at all. All you have are a series of incomprehensible syllables that could convey, fright, laughter, surprise, or something else. It needs some sort of tag to go with it. Something like...
A sudden set of screams snapped Pete out of his trance
quote:Pete’s insides did their best to jump out of his body when the last of this symphony ended in a horrendous shriek. Something huge plunged into the lagoon. Splashing water drowned out the intruder’s tirade, but where had he come from?
This does little to explain what is going on. I think you have a few misused words that doesn't help.
jump out of his body
try 'skin' instead of 'body'
when the last of this symphony ended in a horrendous shriek
Too much effort. Symphony doesn't quite work. Cut this in half.
when the last scream ended in a horrendous shriek
Something huge plunged into the lagoon
What is it? Huge makes it larger than a person. If he knows, say it, if it's a person, write 'Someone' instead of 'Something huge'. if he really has no idea make it less telling and try something like...
A wall of water mushroomed in the center of the lagoon. Pete got up and scrambled away from the shore to escape the incoming wave.
quote:Splashing water drowned out the intruder’s tirade, but where had he come from?
'triade' makes it sound like a complaint. Not wrong but I wonder if that's what you were after. The second half of the sentence... but where had he come from? ...seems out of place to me. I assumed that the sudden appearance of whatever, gave him a moment of panic. It would seem more logical if he either found out what it was or ran away from an unknown danger.
As this is, Crystal, it isn't grabbing my interset. Perhaps a slight reworking is in order?
Thank you very much. These are the types of crits I can accept and understand. WouldBe kept pointing out what was wrong but didn't offer anything else. You two have given me much more to munch on, and I like how it tastes.
Actually, Snapper, I like to think of myself as fairly thick-skinned... maybe too much so at times. WouldBe did anger me, though I know he was only trying to help.
I'll have to go back over everything that's been stated, but I can now see my mistakes in a better light. It never ceases to amaze me that I think I have the perfect first thirteen only to have you folks show me the error of my ways. Thank you.
WouldBe; I offer my apologies if I tread on your toes a bit too much. I was trying to be tactful with my reply to you, but your post did seem sadly lacking. I realize that ereitman and Snapper have said basically the same thing as you, but it was in terms I could more easily understand and see exactly what they were talking about.
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I guess I should add that I need Pete on that island for what comes next. It's crucial to the story. I used the breakup with his girlfriend to explain why he was there alone with no one within miles of him. If not for this setting, the rest of the story cannot take place.
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited October 26, 2008).]
posted
Although, based on your past published stories and your current work as an experienced reader for an online mag, someday maybe your posts will get published, Wouldbe, my friend. I find your crits very helpful, as you know, because I frequently impose on you to read my stuff.
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posted
Pete sat (sat, like any static action, turns me right out of a story, especially in the opening sentence) on the sand with his eyes drawn to the flames of his (twice his in one sentence cues me that the flow of the sentence will benefit from recasting the syntax) campfire (the campfire as the subject rather than the object of the sentence would introduce the ambience of the scene and lead to dramatic action /The beach bonfire rivited Pete's focus like moths to a candle/ that's a deliberately lame example, no good comes from suggesting a revision that intrudes upon a writer's creative orginality). The breakup refused to leave him alone and replayed itself over and over again (quadruple tautology: refused to leave him alone, replayed itself, over and over, again) in his head (head or mind?). How could he ever survive high school graduation with Gwen in the arms of her new boyfriend? (three things here, those latter two sentences interrupt the flow of establishing the ambience of the scene, which is that of forelorn solitude, and they "tell" a reader what the breakup means emotionally to Pete, they don't allow a reader to interpret what they mean, last, I want to more immediately experience the breakup perhaps through Pete already having seen Gwen in the arms of her new boyfriend and rather than through the remoter anticipation of seeing her there.) He looked out over the lagoon to view the serenity of a cloudless night sky filled with the awesome(awesome tells doesn't show the beauty) beauty of a full moon (another object/subject inversion, the writer intrudes by directing Pete's actions--he looked, to view--too close in psychic access when the landscape itself is the better subject and Pete as the better object of the landscape's projected reflecting emotions). The scene tried its best to give him peace, but his body refused to let go of his frustrated anguish (an emotional tautology). (Again, in both sentences, telling that Pete's emotional state is forelorn, not showing how he's feeling.)
“Oooh? Whoa-oh. Ahhhhhh!” (These typically interjective discourse markers traditionally convey surprise, joy, and satisfaction, respectively. Their opposite emotional meanings are not apparent until they're "told" in the following sentence.
Pete’s insides did their best to jump out of his body when the last of this symphony ended in a horrendous shriek (the intent here is to show he's reached the extreme of his anguish, but the sentence is cluttered up with prepositions, nonrobust verbs, and metaphoric figures of speech that evaporate its emotion impact). Something (indeterminant something) huge plunged into the lagoon. Splashing water drowned out the intruder’s tirade (I expect a tirade is louder than splashing water), but where had he come from? (Where, indeed? the question is noncoordinate in action to the sounds clause, it's not a question that needs asking, it tells the reader what to ask, it's a question for a reader to have on their own and have answered after a brief artful delay, in other words, suspense.)
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