1. Opening with "Excuse me" isn't super effective. Did someone just fart? Did someone step on another person's toes? Are two people trying to pass in a crowded hallway? There might be a better way to introduce Rourke & his Mark to the reader than this, while still getting the same effect. Maybe have Rourke wonder why his mark was approaching him from across the street before they start talking.

2. Why aren't you naming the Mark? Rourke knows his name. Why don't we? Give him a name and then work in the information about who is following who.

3. Why is the sun swollen? Are there times where the sun is not swollen? Did it stub it's toe, or (Heaven forfend) catch the mumps?

This is tentatively interesting to me. If you could clean up the items above, I think it would be much improved, and were I an editor, I'd be much more willing to continue reading. Alas, I'm already two crits behind, and I shall have to excuse myself from the full piece this time around.

Typically mark = potential victim of a crime. Seeing one of the characters noted as that but then no crime obviously followed...confused me.

And then one nit - Rourke stopped dead in shock...well, the one thing you have to watch out for with a speculative fiction audience is that we take you literally. Readers will assume that Rourke dropped over dead. (OK, not all, not even most, but you have to be careful with the use of metaphor w/spec fiction more so than with other genres.)

The trouble I had here was that I couldn't see any other beginning apart from these two meeting but then I wanted that first meeting to be a little understated which doesn't lend itself well to setting up a hook

Jayson - I called him The Mark to try and get some kind of hook in there, weak as it is, and that's the way Rourke tries to see them, rather than as real people.

Deb - Rourke has been watching The Mark go to that bar the past few days rather than going in himself

Any other advice about how to start a short story with an understated scene while still injecting some pace and hookiness would be appreciated.

Now, to the first 13. I'm interested enough to read more. I would omit the words I've enclosed in brackets below -- always omit unnecessary words, make every word count.

Since a swolen sun suggests dawn, how can Rourke see a rising sun in the middle of a town?

Finally, there are several places where you have pronoun trouble -- I don't know whether "he" or "his" refers to Rourke or the mark.

quote:

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"Excuse me.”
Rourke stopped [Stopped what?] dead in shock. The mark [no problem with this. This -- to me -- is the hook. the mark (target) speaking to the killer/thief. It also creates tension from the killer/thief's PoV.] had spoken to him. His carelessness stunned him as he stared at the man.
“Are you all right? You don’t look well.”[This is the perfect follow-up line to an inexplicable "exceuse me", because it gives it a reason. I don't think this needs a tag -- other than: said the mark, or something -- because the hitman/theif thinks of the person as "the mark".]
Rourke was making things worse he knew. He shook his head and ran a hand over his face. “No…no, I’m fine, really.” The words sounded strange as he uttered them. How long had it been since he had spoken to an actual person? Two weeks? Maybe even three. [Why? I want to know shortly.]
The mark didn’t look convinced as he studied Rourke, his head tilted to one side. [The swollen red sun was just beginning to warm the plaza and there was a faint sheen of sweat on the bridge of his nose.<--This whole sentence made me drift off. It disrupts the flow and doesn't tell if it's sunset/sunrise/alien sun. I'd say just tell me if it's sunset/sunrise.] “Well, I was just heading over to Sandy’s
for a drink." He nodded towards the bar which Rourke had [I don't know what the rest of the sentence is going to say, so I'm not going to make assumptions.]

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1) Nice pace and voice. Aside from that one, clunky sentence, I'm sold enough to read on.

"The mark didn’t look convinced as he studied Rourke, Pronouns from here on have antecedent/POV issues. Whose head tilted? Whose nose had sweat on the bridge? his head tilted to one side. The swollen red sun was just beginning to warm the plaza and there was a faint sheen of sweat on the bridge of his nose." I think this sentence is trying to set the scene early on a sunny morning, but it interrupts the dialog and interaction between the characters.

I'm concerned about believing the last bit of dialog. It seems too friendly for conversation between strangers on the street. That may be your point, though - the mark is opening himself for the scam.