posted
Jerval sat on the sand at Scarborough and absently watched the waves pounding the crumbling coastline into submission. He turned to look again at a distant figure, his eyes slitting against the sting of the wind-born salt. A man stood on the dunes, hands in his pockets, a mile to the east. Jerval thought of day he severed his connections, of his abdicated crown, and the star-devouring step to Earth all those centuries ago. A step The Four couldn't follow. But now they had. He smiled—it had taken longer than he thought. He stored high-resolution images of the man in his memory, while clouds of exo-sentience spinning around him analysed the intruder's every facet. Particles of skin carried on the breeze were torn apart, their DNA untangled, their pheromones read, like a book.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 15, 2008).]
Revision 1.
Jerval sat on the sand at Scarborough and absently watched the waves pounding the crumbling coastline into submission. He turned to look again at a distant figure, his eyes slitting against the sting of the wind-born salt. The man stood on the dunes, hands in his pockets, a mile to the east. Jerval thought of the day he severed his connections and abdicated his crown, and of the star-devouring step to Earth all those centuries ago. A step The Four couldn't emulate. He smiled—it had taken them longer to find him than he thought. He stored high-resolution images of the man in his memory, while clouds of exo-sentience spinning around him analysed the intruder's every facet. Particles of skin carried on the breeze were torn apart, chemicals isolated, DNA untangled and read, like a book.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 15, 2008).]
posted
This read nicely and has a lot of fun concepts.
"The star-devouring step to Earth" seemed a big notion to drop so nonchalantly, though.
I wonder if the prose about the step that could not be followed, but was, and took longer than expected, could be reworked a little; it seems self-contradictory.
These adjacent sentences made me wonder if "a distant figure" and a "A man" were the same or not:
He turned to look again at a distant figure,... A man stood on the dunes, hands in his pockets...
If they're the same, then perhaps "The man stood...."
Jerval thought of [the] day he severed his connections,...
Jerval sat on the sand at Scarborough and absently watched the waves pounding the crumbling coastline into submission.
I liked this line. Nice way to open.
He turned to look again at a distant figure, his eyes slitting against the sting of the wind-born salt.
This one is good too.
The man stood on the dunes, hands in his pockets, a mile to the east.
Jerval's got some keen vision there. What is that? 20/5?
Jerval thought of the day he severed his connections and abdicated his crown, and of the star-devouring step to Earth all those centuries ago.
Telling and out of left field. All of a sudden we find out he's really old, from another world, and a ruler of some sort, all from watching a guy put a hand in his pocket with super vision. star-devouring step stops me. Does that mean it was a really long journey or it took sacrificing a sun just to get there?
A step The Four couldn't emulate.
Okay, who are these Four? emulate seems a little thesaurusy to me.
He smiled—it had taken them longer to find him than he thought.
It took them longer to find him than it did for him to think about it? Or did you mean ...to find him than he thought it would?
He stored high-resolution images of the man in his memory, while clouds of exo-sentience spinning around him analysed the intruder's every facet. Particles of skin carried on the breeze were torn apart, chemicals isolated, DNA untangled and read, like a book.
Has a techno-babblish flavor to it but I get it. Not bad.
Prose is great but it feels like you are trying to cram too much info in the first 13 in an effort to establish a hook. Ease up a bit, pal.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 16, 2008).]
posted
There's a lot of stuff I like about this opening, but it's very... 'busy', I suppose. There's a whole lot going on, and it's hard to know what to focus on (the abdicated crown, the man with his hands in his pockets, the apparent superhuman (or possibly bionic) nature of Jerval [the exo-sentience, the star-devouring step down, etc], 'The Four', the fact that they've lived for centuries... lots of potential hooks). It gets a little hard to follow, for me.
quote:Prose is great but it feels like you are trying to cram too much info in the first 13 in an effort to establish a hook. Ease up a bit, pal.
- I think snapper hit the nail on the head.
Also, I agree with WouldBe on 'star-devouring' - it's quite a concept to get your head around, and it makes me pause, coming across it left casually in the middle of everything.
Couple of other nits:
'the wind-born salt' - I assume you don't mean that the wind created the salt (rather, that it picked it up from the spray and the water), so that should be wind-borne.
'Jerval thought of the day he severed' - personally, I'd stick a 'had' in there before 'severed'.
'The Four' - personal preference, I just have a thing about 'The Three / Four / Five's. It's a bit 'The Chosen One(s)', etc. Wouldn't simply 'the others' (as opposed, I hasten to add, to 'The Others') or something work just as well without being a bit of a cliché?
'intruder's every facet' - not sure about the word 'facet'. Facet means 'side' or 'face', and I suspect you're after a word that means 'detail'. Aspect? Feature? There are lots of alternatives.
I'd still read on, but I'd need a little clarity fairly soon. Hope this helps . Daniel.
quote:'The Four' - personal preference, I just have a thing about 'The Three / Four / Five's. It's a bit 'The Chosen One(s)', etc. Wouldn't simply 'the others' (as opposed, I hasten to add, to 'The Others') or something work just as well without being a bit of a cliché?
I was going to call them the Carlach, perhaps I should have.
Regarding the 'star-devouring step', it was meant to denote a single step of massive distance, in the same vein as a mile-eating stride. I realise now perhaps I should have phrased it differently, perhaps 'light-year devouring step' or something.
With regard facet, the definition I found includes its use as a synonym for detail.
fac·et (fst) n. 1. One of the flat polished surfaces cut on a gemstone or occurring naturally on a crystal. 2. Anatomy A small, smooth, flat surface, as on a bone or tooth. 3. Biology One of the lens like visual units of a compound eye, as of an insect. 4. One of numerous aspects, as of a subject.
I was using it as per definition four. It makes sense to me (why I used it) but perhaps you are right and I should choose a more day-to-day word.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 18, 2008).]
posted
Skadder, I really enjoyed this. I'd keep reading.
Comments:
"Jerval sat on the sand at Scarborough and absently watched the waves pounding the crumbling coastline into submission."
I love your opening. Could you possible follow it with this next sentence?
"Jerval [He] thought of the day he severed his connections and abdicated his crown, and of the star-devouring step to Earth all those centuries ago."
That way we know who he is from the beginning. I understood "the star-devouring step," but how about "stellar leap?"
"A step The Four couldn't emulate." I guess this would then follow, but it loses me
"He turned to look again [again?] at a distant figure, his eyes slitting against the sting of the wind-born salt." I didn't realized he had ever looked away
"The man stood on the dunes, hands in his pockets, a mile to the east." As snapper said - "good eyes."
"He smiled—it had taken them longer to find him than he thought. He stored high-resolution images of the man in his memory, while clouds of exo-sentience spinning around him analysed the intruder's every facet[facet works for me - means feature/angle]. Particles of skin carried on the breeze were torn apart, chemicals isolated, DNA untangled and read,[Do you need the comma?] like a book."
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 18, 2008).]
posted
I think 'the Carlach' is definitely better, but I still think that a simple 'the others' leaves more to the imagination.
quote:Regarding the 'star-devouring step', it was meant to denote a single step of massive distance, in the same vein as a mile-eating stride.
Aaaah, see, I thought it was meant literally (as in, he had devoured a star in the process of stepping down to earth). Put together with 'all those centuries ago' and the exo-sentience, I thought he might even be some kind of god.
re. facet, I didn't mean it was WRONG per se (it still makes sense), I'm just not sure it's the word for the job. Maybe it's just personal preference on my part.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 18, 2008).]
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