posted
Tiredness struck Dan like a hammer and he fought to keep the pistol pressed against Jeffries's sweaty temple. "I am arresting you in accordance with the Open Police Warrant issued for your arrest..." His voice echoed round the derelict apartments stairwell. "You have the right--" Another wave of fatigue hit, his head sagged, his left eye shut and his arm dropped six inches. The pistol's barrel slid down to point at Jeffries's neck. Not now. "What's the matter, copper?" Jeffries's beady eyes watched him like a hawk spotting fresh prey. "You ill or somethin'?" Dan jammed his hand into his pocket, hunting for the stimulant spray. "I told you; I'm no copper." His fingers found the stubby inhaler, but it was too late; tiredness hit him like an express train and he stumbled backwards, dropping his pistol
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 25, 2009).]
posted
I like it. Good action. Is the sickness the main conflict in the story? Or is it this criminal? If its the sickness, I think you have your work cut out for you because that's a pretty internal/intangible thing to be fighting. Unless... someone/something is making him sick??
Either way, I would read on.
A couple small things:
"I think you can come up with a stronger word than "Tiredness" to open your piece.
"watched him like a hawk spotting fresh prey" felt a little flat and forced. You can do better.
posted
I agree with Allied Five about the wording of tiredness. You could use fatigue or even sleepy would be better than tiredness. Something like "Dan started to feel his consciousness start to shred..."
The credibility of the scene bothers me a bit. In such a high risk situation, the MC's adrenaline should be pumping, so I don't believe that his attitude wouldn't be "not now" but "OH NO! NOT NOW!" as he slips into whatever he is slipping into.
Tweaked a bit, I think its a great premise. But if the guy is chronically narcoleptic, it's got to be something he really, really fears and I think you've got to inject more panic in his mind or the reader will catch his condition too.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 25, 2009).]
quote:I like it. Good action. Is the sickness the main conflict in the story? Or is it this criminal? If its the sickness, I think you have your work cut out for you because that's a pretty internal/intangible thing to be fighting. Unless... someone/something is making him sick??
I won't comment on the plot--sorry. I agree that 'tiredness' and the hawk metaphor could be improved--I wrote it this afternoon fairly quickly, so word choices can and will be improved.
quote:The credibility of the scene bothers me a bit. In such a high risk situation, the MC's adrenaline should be pumping, so I don't believe that his attitude wouldn't be "not now" but "OH NO! NOT NOW!" as he slips into whatever he is slipping into.
I avoid using capitals (as a means for giving greater weight) and exclamation marks in prose. From what I gather, it is considered better to not use them, except in exceptional circumstances. Your prose should create the correct tone for dialogue due to its logical context. That doesn't mean to say that I have successfully avoided using them here.
quote:Tiredness struck Dan like a hammer and he fought to keep the pistol pressed against Jeffries's sweaty temple.
Start with the first word. Lots of choices. I suggest Exhaustion. This should be two sentences as well. The second half of the sentence is telling. I would rather you show what he is going through.
Exhaustion struck Dan like a hammer. The pistol he had pressed against Jeffries’ temple suddenly felt thirty pounds heavier.
quote: His voice echoed round the derelict apartments stairwell.
I am having trouble with the POV of this line. Is this to show the apartment stairwell to be desolate and empty? Or is this meant to show Dan is drifting off and things are starting to spin on him?
I am getting the impression that this story is starting in the wrong spot. I believe this would be a better opening if you show Dan running down Jefferies then fatigue grabs him. A bigger problem is the premise. Is this just a story about a bounty hunter with a severe case of narcolepsy? Or is it something more?
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 25, 2009).]
posted
I agree with the comments about the first line. Also, I'm not bothered by it being slightly telling, but I suspect a more concrete description of the weight of the gun might be better.
quote:"I am arresting you in accordance with the Open Police Warrant issued for your arrest..." His voice echoed round the derelict apartments stairwell.
I see a few problems with this. First, I found the use of "arresting" and "arrest" in the same sentence to be a little awkward. Second, it should be "around". Third, "derelict" doesn't sound quite right for a stairwell. And finally, you need to change "apartments" to "apartment's". I liked the rest, except I would expect Dan's hand to go a little limp and maybe point further down than his neck. And you would probably also want to change the word "tiredness" in the last sentence.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited June 25, 2009).]
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