The style is too cut-and-dry for me; I like a bit of juiciness, something to sink my teeth into. Aside from that personal preference, however, I find myself grasping for a sense of time and place. The mix of magic and photocopying suggests this is an urban fantasy of some sort, and while I know it's inadvisable to use a plethora of adjectives, and there's not a lot of leeway in a first 13, I feel like this could benefit from more mood-setting, or a more humorous tone if that's your goal. I'm simply not drawn in. The action is decently defined, but the characters and their locale feel very cardboard.

I don't think this first 13 accomplishes anything essential that makes it necessary as a first 13. I feel like this story could - or even should - start a little bit later, with more of a kick.

quote:

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Morgana’s summons filled Richard’s head. He put the photocopying aside and walked to the sorceress['s] office.
“Come in,” she ordered[,<--End the sentence. Tell me why she's-->] not looking up. [Face was buried in the PC. Prinitng out a spell...=]
Richard walked over to stand facing her [desk<--Eh? This entire sentence seems to take the place of somethign that's more important.].
“You have friends Richard?” she asked, reading a scroll.
“Yes.”
“Good. I need an attractive young man for a sting; do you think you could bring in one of your friends?”
“You need a young man…” [Not telling me how he feels. This is the PoV character, right?]
Morgana looked up. “I need an attractive young man, and I have no time to stroke your ego. Bring in an attractive friend and you can have the case, don’t and you’ll be photocopying for quite a long time. Go.”

---

I like the definitive presence of Morgana's character. For the most part, I like the voice. I think you could build onto something here.

Suggest something like (changes in italics):

Morgana's summons filled Richard's head. He put the photocopying aside and marched to the soreceress's office.He knew Morgana demanded a swift response.
"Come in, Richard," she said. Her icy tone reflected her intent on the computer screen. "I need an attractive young man for a sting. Do you think you could bring in one of your friends?”
Richard was speechless. What was he? Chopped liver?
"I have no time to stroke your ego," Morgana said. Her sharp gaze flicked from the screen, to Richard, and back, the point driven home. "Bring in an attractive friend and you can have the case; don’t and you’ll be photocopying for quite a long time.” She dismissed him with an offhanded gesture.

"You have friends, Richard?"

Some more periods too - ditch the semicolon in the "...sting; do you think..." line, not necessary and would break up the thought a bit more. Also for the "Bring an attractive friend and you can..." suggest two sentences.

But then - this gets to Marzo's point. Choppy. I think some more ...something...would go a long way toward sucking us into the story. Get Richard to do some thoughts we can read. "Oh no, what does Morgana want now?" he shuddered. He wanted to ignore the summons, these papers weren't going to copy themselves after all, but she sent the damn Evil Robot Flying Monkeys. Richard was tired of getting beaten about the head by them, he found he had no choice but to go to her office.

"..bring in one of your friends." what the heck, richard thought to himself. Is she cheating on me again, that lousy ...

What kinds of facial expressions is Morgana wearing? Is she dressed in long flowing robes but sitting in an Aeron chair? Do some scene painting for us. If it's a novel-length work, you should have the space for it.

And how is Richard feeling about this? Is he downtrodden? Is he her lackey/go-to-guy? Does she treat him well? Does he like his role? Hate it? Is he a prisoner to her? Slave? Obedient servant?

You can also get to some characterization by how he addresses her. "Yes oh-most-powerful one." or "Yes, mistress." or "Yes, I have friends" and have him send her an evil glare. What kind of freak did she think he was, no friends? Ha!

Does this help?

The idea is great.

The dialog is a bit wooden which makes me leery about reading on. You've had some great suggestions on how to fill out the scene.

Nice start though.