Prudence Richardson was sound asleep. The droning of the plane’s engines and the dim lights of the cabin made it impossible to resist. She woke suddenly, banging her head hard against what she expected was the window frame next to her. She opened her eyes and was blinded by the sun. When she reached up to rub her head, her fingers tangled in a cool metal chain. None of this belonged on a plane. She was no longer in seat 23A. She felt a wave of panic course through her. Prudence was curled up leaning against the side of a old wooden farm wagon. The floor was strewn with filthy rough straw. Four other people were lined up in front of her; their long scraggly hair obscured their faces. They were dressed in rough hand woven cloth in various drab colors and degrees of disrepair. Each sat

My general impression of your first thirteen is that you start to many sentences with She.

I think there is a hook here, how did she get from a plane, to being chained up in another world? I immediately think that it is either a dream, or Prudence must be a really deep sleeper.

I don't really buy that she could leave a plane, be taken, or crash, and not wake up. That seems weird. Was she drugged, or magically induced in a coma? A clue, like a taste of sulfur in her mouth, would make the situation more plausable.

Good luck with it,
~Sheena

quote:

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I don't really buy that she could leave a plane, be taken, or crash, and not wake up. That seems weird. Was she drugged, or magically induced in a coma? A clue, like a taste of sulfur in her mouth, would make the situation more plausable.

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that many of your sentences begin with "she", which stands out strongly because you have a direct style and your sentences are short. (hard for me to talk, though, since my worst habit has always been wordy-ness)

When reading this, I wanted to know more about what she thought or felt. Otherwise she only has the one "wave of panic" for the whole transition. I think the suggestion earlier about a "sulfur taste" is a clever solution; something as simple taste or smell is a good way to bring in sensory elements without distracting from your style.

When I read cool metal chain, I was thinking of a necklace.
When I read rough woven clothes, I wondered what was she wearing. Why wouldn't she check?

Part of the "too many She" complaints may arise from the short objective statements She was no longer in seat 23A. She felt a wave of panic course through her.

I found the what she expected to be awkward, but have no alternative suggestions here except that it implies she stopped and thought about it in this otherwise flowing action sequence.

I found none of this to be misleading. The only thing the reader has convincingly determined to be out of place is the chain - the sunlight and the faceplant could have been occuring on the plane (through the window, the bulkhead).

I felt that where this was going was good, but the causality of the first section seemed a little disjointed for me. I tend to analyse action logic in terms of Motivation->Reaction cycles. Thus (bear with me)

R1Prudence Richardson was sound asleep. M1The droning of the plane’s engines and the dim lights of the cabin made it impossible to resist. R2She woke suddenly, M3banging her head hard against what she expected was the window frame next to her. R3She opened her eyes and was M4blinded by the sun. When she R3reached up to rub her head, her fingers M5tangled in a cool metal chain. R5None of this belonged on a plane. R5She was no longer in seat 23A. R5She felt a wave of panic course through her. M6Prudence was curled up leaning against the side of a old wooden farm wagon. The floor was strewn with filthy rough straw. Four other people were lined up in front of her; their long scraggly hair obscured their faces. They were dressed in rough hand woven cloth in various drab colors and degrees of disrepair. Each sat

In this example then, R1->M1 works (the motivation is shown after as a flashback, but that's fine, we started with action).
Reaction R2 doesn't have a cause. This leaves the reader with an unanswered question (why?) very early, and the character is not acting as the reader expects => disconnect.
M3->R3 works, though as I said earlier, the 'expected' bit might need thought, because we're seeing it through her PoV, and she can't know that it's 'expecting', she thinks it 'is'.
I don't consider the 'blinded' in M4 to be reaction, rather a motivation for some action (blinking eyes etc) which is never shown; it therefore currently seems to serve no purpose.
the M5->R5 sequence is generally fine, however the multiple actions could probably be merged into one sentence (ie, "She felt a wave of panic course through her as she realised none of this belonged on a plane" - the seat 23A thing appears to be superfluous).
M6 is fine, as we expect it to lead us on to what happens on the next page.

With a few minor tweaks I'd definitely turn the page.

We don't find out what banged the side of her head.

I think it could be made slightly more personal than it is. For example, rather than 'she reached up to rub her head' could become 'reaching up she rubbed her head.'

Secondly, the line 'none of this belonged on a plane' jarred me a little; at this stage it could be argued that it was only the chain that may have been out of place - you can have direct sun into a plane cabin for instance. Changing it to 'This did not belong on a plane' solves it.

I think the sentence 'She felt a wave of panic coarse through her' could be left until after she sees the four other people - gives it more creedence. In fact I would have preferred to read what she experienced: sick feeling, looking round wildly the floor was strewn... etc.

I would definitely want to read on. Sounds very promising.