posted
This fantasy novel complete at about 119,000 words is a retelling of the Greek myth of Demeter and Persephone. I'm having an issue with my first 13 and need some help. I want to show Demeter's power and beauty. I've done so by beginning my novel from the POV of a lecher who is lusting after her. In the first two pages Demeter punishes this guy (thus showing her power) for his temerity in desiring her and after doing so the novel switches from his POV to hers. I don't love the first 13 because (1) they aren't 'hooky' and (2) I'm worried that they might even be prohibitive to someone reading further. If anyone would be willing to read the first chapter and let me know what they think of it that would be great. And any ideas or feedback on the first 13 would be much appreciated.
First 13 He watched her making her way across the marketplace, his gaze taking in the masses of golden hair in plaits piled on top of her head, the eyes that were such a deep blue as to be almost purple, the generous, pink lipped mouth. She turned her head on her long, slender neck and he noted the way the fine bones of her clavicles pressed against the honeyed skin of her shoulders. He wondered how it would feel to touch that sleek skin along the lines of those bones, to run his fingers, perhaps his tongue over it. As she turned her face to him again, his eyes slid lower, lingered on her breasts, appreciated how the cloth of her violet peplos strained across the perfect mounds.
[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited April 29, 2009).]
posted
Since this is being told from a different pov which I understand you won't be returning to, I wonder if it would be best served as a prologue; it then serves as an illustration to what follows.
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posted
BenM Thanks for the suggestion. It is actually a prologue. Sorry, I should have put that. The POV switches to Demeter about a page and a half into this prologue and then stays with her as she gives birth to Persephone aka Kore. The first chapter begins with Persephone's POV 15 years later and from there out the chapters alternate between Persephone's POV and Demeter's.
I'll post the 13 of the first chapter here. I hope that's legal. If it's not KDW, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to cheat.
First 13 Kore woke to the familiar furtive scuttlings of her mother gathering her things to help with a birthing. Kore rolled on her kline and burrowed her head into the cushions, hoping she would fall back to sleep quickly, but she was still awake when she heard the door open and then close signaling her mother had left. In the silence that followed, Kore lifted her head from the cushions. Her eyes roamed around the small space of her room, which in this, the darkest part of the night seemed alien and frightening. She avoided looking at the now empty corner where Doso used to sleep on her pile of fleece and cushions.
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