I designed this using Martin Levin's <u>How to be Your Own Literary Agent</u> as a guide. Please point me in the way of any other references you think would benefit me (: I have a couple questions about what I should/shouldn't include and some word choice but I'll ask after a couple people have replied--curious to see if those are things that other people are going to notice right off the bat or if I'm being worried over nothing.

Thanks for any help.

<u>Judgment: Volume 1</u> is my novel of about 185,000 words featuring the genetic alteration of people into realistic super-humans. The setting and characters of <u>Judgment</u> are not as far removed from reality as traditional comic book superheroes. The story follows the lives of a grab-bag team (the resistance) of escaped genetic experiments and explores the layers of moral ambiguity inherent in genetic progress.

((Here, I'm adding a personalized middle paragraph when I submit that'll link me to what I've researched about the agent/publisher.))

Judgment is completed as far as my drafting of it is concerned and is available on disk in MS Word 2003 format.

If you are unable to utilize my work, I would like it returned in the SASE. I would also be grateful for any suggestions for improvement and referrals to agents who may be more suited to Judgment.

I appreciate your time,

Zellie Berraine

(PS.

1. If anyone is interested in the story, I'd love some editing help with it (:

2. ...how do I get underline tags to work here? ^_~)

[This message has been edited by ZellieBerraine (edited May 22, 2007).]

My question is, is this as you would send to an editor/agent, ie: a queery letter?

If so, your outline should detail the plot of the story. At the moment, this only tells us a rough outline - there isn't enough to hook the editor. You need to name your character, what they do, what happens in the story. I don't know about anyone else, but I think: If you are unable to utilize my work[b/] sounds a bit odd to me. I usually say something like:

[b] Could you please return any unwanted work.[b/]

I'm not really sure of the best way to put it. I always see it as saying [b]I know you wont want it, so here's an envolope to return it in So these days, I found its cheeper to reprint it, than to pay for the SASE.

Hope this helps.

[edited to fix bold <sigh>] [those darn bolds. I can get it to work right]

The 'return manuscript' is from when I mailed the whole thing out....that took 4 days to print so I wanted it back if I'm just doing a query and maybe a sample chapter then I'd put a line in about recycling it ::nodnod::Thanks for reminding me.

The book I was going by said to include a summary so I was hesitate about including too many details in the query....you're right, it does come off very dry!

From what you guys have researched, what is included in a typical query package?

The book I read said: bio, summary, sample chapter, and query/cover letter.

Is it fine to repeat some of the summary details in the query letter to make the query more exciting? Is a summary not always needed?

What is a good word for the genre? It's sci-fi....but just "sci-fi" brings to mind aliens and spaceships...it has neither. Is there a better, more specific set of words to use? It's along the lines of the X-men and Spiderman movies....it's our world but with a few scientific leaps explained with genetics. The second book includes some psychic powers. I've heard the term "urban sci-fi" lately but I don't know what it means.... it sounds like it could be appropriate? Ideas?

From what I've read on various agent blogs, (Miss Snark, we already miss you!) you need to send only what the agent requests.

From what I've reasearched, some just take queries, before the request sample pages. Some want queries plus an outline. While others want the query, outline, as well as a sample.

Each agent can be different, Agent Query and Publisher's Marketplace are good places to start.

I'll warn now that I'm blunt but don't intend to be mean. Just blunt.

Submissions - what's in them?

Depends on what the agent wants. Generally, it's just the query which should include the hook for your story.

Just a few points:

1) Calling it The Judgment: Volume I is a good way to get rejected right away. Sell the first story first. You should stop by Evil Editor's Blog and see what he does to references to multiple books in queries.

2) 185K is HUGE for a book. It is especially big for a first one. "Normal" range for fantasy/ sci fi is closer to 80k - 120K. First novels are generally on the lighter side. At 185K you might be out of the market. Have you ruthlessly edited this yet? You might not be at the query stage yet.

3) Spend nearly all of your time/ query words on the plot. The one line sentance does your story no justice. On a vague one line you are headed into slush and not a request for partials.

Check Ms. Snark's post for Query starting points.

A, the main protagonist, and her problem/issue/goal
B, the main antagonist, and his problem/issue/goal
they meet and all L happens
If A suceeds then X, if not then Y.

Most of the description you have about the story is to vague to mean anything. Ex. "layers of moral ambiguity in the genetic process" sounds lovely and means nothing. Does the MC struggle with reconciling her artifical creation with assimilating the the "natural" people? What? Stay away from vapid phrases and cliches. Tell me what the story is about.

On wording:

I'd kill the "Judgment is completed as far as my drafting of it . . " for a few reasons. First, it screams First Draft. Second, it sounds unprofessional. Third, it doesn't help you sell the book.

Delete in its entirety the paragraph starting: "If you are unable . . . .Judgment" for the same reason I suggested deleting the sentance before it.

You need a hook. Once you have that you can build the story around it.

quote:

---

2) 185K is HUGE for a book. It is especially big for a first one. "Normal" range for fantasy/ sci fi is closer to 80k - 120K. First novels are generally on the lighter side. At 185K you might be out of the market. Have you ruthlessly edited this yet? You might not be at the query stage yet.

---

I had this problem. If you see my queeries on the Open Discussions About Writing section, under Length Problem and Children's Novels you'll see what I mean.

But my novels were between 300 and 450 thousand words. I am in the process of re-writing one, so far at 104,000 - almost finished.

I didn't think I could shave that much off, but have surprised myself.

Heh, and here I was hoping length would be a good thing. I've rewritten 70% of the book from scratch and then chopped out huge sections but at the same time, added a hundred pages....so it balances out every time I edit. I guess I could always divide it into two books, then it would be between 80-120K...like around 90K.

What is miss Snark? Link to Evil Editor?

Not to call it volume I even though it IS volume one? Whether anyone publishes them, they're going to be written....I always hated when books didn't list their volume number and left me floundering over what book comes when in continuity, if a book does or doesn't have a 1st/3rd/29th/etc It's a good point and I guess the solution is, get published first THEN worry about numbering...because the sequals can number themselves. Resulting problem of taking away the Volume #: Judgment without anything else is bad search engine policy....it'll come up with a million results and I'll be waaay at the bottom. It used to have a subtitle, but it was a crappy subtitle. I've struggling with the title for 8 years.... suggestions? ^_^; It could be Judgment: The Resistance. ..ugh, I hate titles :P

Thanks for the great feedback!

Completely revamped query letter below!

It needs: 4-6 lines shaved off, some modifier to "sci-fi" that lets the reader know that there are no aliens or spaceships, a better last sentence to the first paragraph, and.....?

In my urban(?) sci-fi novel Judgment: The Resistance, Amy Madison is dying from the genetic defect atrophying her body until she receives a cell augmentation treatment so effective that she is able to absorb lightning. Unable control it, she electrocutes the first people she touches—her parents, the very people who established the G.enetic A.lteration and M.utation A.ssociation (GAMA) to save her life. Amy flees to GAMA but the local facility is run by Dr. James Gandon who joined GAMA to further his own inhumane experiments. Through unanticipated side effects, some of Gandon’s subjects develop superhuman abilities like Amy’s. The resistance against GAMA is formed by these “brethren” including the pillow-fight-starting Force, master of levitation, and Nighthawk, a notorious murderer who was born blind but can now see so sharply that daylight is painful. Gandon teaches Amy to harness her ability in order to combat the resistance and allow his experimentation to continue unhindered.

((something relating to that agent specifically))

My degree is in English/Theatre/Education and I am a contributing author and editor for a monthly newsletter from a pet salon*. I have had poetry and short stories published in school literary magazines as well as in Teen Ink.

Let me know if you would like to read a sample chapter or section. If you are not interested, I would like you to recycle this material and I would be grateful for referrals to agents who may be more suited to Judgment.

I appreciate your time,

Zellie Berraine

*I want to leave off the businness since it's not sci-fi/fantasy related, but then I want to still get across the idea that I'm getting paid for this--it's not some online fanfiction newsletter I volunteered to write. I don't really like the 'published in school magazines / teen ink' because that just sounds like 'kids stuff'...but, it's my evidence of being published.

[This message has been edited by ZellieBerraine (edited May 22, 2007).]

First, it's quite unlikely that the publishers will even use your title. Sorry to say this, but I found your new title confusing. It kind of sounds like the resistance is being judged or something. As for numbering volumes, again, the publishers will automatically do that for you. If they buy your first one, you can tell them about your second one. In fact, you'll probably be done with your second one before the first is even printed.

In your query, I'd suggest calling the book "science fiction" rather than the short-hand "sci-fi." Also, calling the book "science fiction" without a modifier is unlikely to cause the confusion you're worried about.

You need to tell the approximate word count in your query letter. It's been dropped in this version. I agree that you novel's high word count will make it more difficult for you to sell this first novel. If it sells well, then you have more freedom to write long novels in the future.

Unless this is an e-mail submission, you need to enclose a SASE so that they can reply to you asking to see more. This is a business letter, so it's typical to state anything that you have enclosed, including the SASE.

Your statement about "I would be grateful for referrals to agents who may be more suited to Judgment" brands you as an amateur at the very least. First, these agents aren't going to take the time to do this. Second, researching the market to find agents that match your novel is your job.

Also, don't query until your final draft is done...and then make sure that you tell them that the full manuscript is available. That's not clear in this version.

Unless your degree in Theatre and Education somehow adds to the book's authenticity, drop your reference to them from the query. If you have a sci-fi story published for pay somewhere, give the title and the magazine it was in. Otherwise, I would suggest at least dropping the poetry from the query.

I don't know how accurate this is, but I've been told that anything but paid writing related to your novel's genre shouldn't be in your query. I'm mighty tempted to add my non-fiction books and, yes, poetry! to my own query, but I'm also confident that my work will stand on it's own once I'm done polishing my query.

As for your hook, it's better. The grammar seems off on the first sentence. Also, I was confused. It sounds like Amy transmits lightening, not absorbs it. Does the lightening immediately pass on through her? Does it damage her if she 'stores' it? I assume her powers are useless unless she's in a thunderstorm storm and lightening hits her. This is a highly unlikely event unless she goes out seeking it. It doesn't sound like she goes out seeking it, so why doesn't she just move to the desert? After all, people spend lots of money to cure her, so why not take the trouble to move?

Also, why would she be able to control lightening just because she can survive a lightening strike? How does the cell modifications cause these super-powers? Or are we just supposed to accept it like with Spiderman and other comic book heroes?

From the sequence of events, I thought that Amy joined the resistance until that last sentence. You might move that up to after "inhumane experiments" and make "Through unanticipated side effects..." into a new paragraph.

Also, why does Amy stick with a bad man and fight her own type of people?

Good luck.

The length issue is really disheartening. I don't think in terms of stand-alones. The end of the book is the end of the book, I would have to totally bastardize it to fit it within that kind of length constraint. Hell, I don't even READ stand-alones...I rarely like them (and I hate short stories). At the 93K word mark the book has a nice ending point but it's not a total resolution--there are still lots of loose ends....even at the end of the 183K it has loose ends because it's part of a series. Am I screwed as an author because I think in serial? -_-; Since they have no proof that they even want the other books in the series, why publish a first without a definite ending to it.

Hmm...the book I read specified that there be a line asking for referals AND for editing suggestions.

All of those questions are explained in the book XD I'm not sure how to explain them in the query letter without it becoming, well, a book. Working on trying to incorporate the most important/glaring ones.

Again, thanks (: this is wracking my brains in the best of ways. I rarely get such thorough feedback (ugh, even my professors would just write 'good, good, great, fix spelling here, comma there, A....the end' which is barely useful at all).

No - you're not screwed as an author because you think in serial. I do, but I'm learning to work around it. I also have written a few stand alones but I always go back to the serial thing. I felt like I had wasted years writing, when I first came here, I wanted to throw everything away - I guess I have in a way. I've started from scratch. It sounds daunting, but I've enjoyed it. I'm not saying you have to do that, I'm not saying you have to do anything you don't want to, and once you get your first novel published, you've got more say in what you write so just concentrate on getting this first one the very best it can be and don't worry about number two, three or four.

For His Majesty's Dragon , a first novel, the agent believed that the audience would love the characters so much that she wanted to know if the author had more. The Author did: one novel in rough draft form and another in outline. The agent was able to get a three book deal. All three books came out in a 12 -18 month period. If its serial, so be it, but worry about selling Book I first.

To do that, it has to stand on its own i.e. come to a satisfying resolution even though the "story" isn't done per se. If you think about Star Wars, the first ended - the good guys had won and the bad guy had escaped. Is the story over? No. The bad guy escaped and the Empire still existed. In The Empire Strikes Back the ending was a cliff hanger of sorts. Bad lost and escaped again but Han is captive and Lando and Chewie are off to find him. Ok, so we know the story's not over and the next one will pick up with rescuing Han. Return of the Jedi started with the rescue and ended the story because the "antagonist" i.e. the Empire, is overthrown. It could have been a 6 hour movie but then no one would have gone. Each movie "stands on its own" but is part of the whole story or series. Try looking at your story that way and find natural breaking points even though everything isn't wrapped up.

Okay - on to the new version. Now I know a bit about what the story is about but NOT why it is different than X-Men. I need to know why this mutant story is different than what is out there.

Debiie is probably right that you aren't at the query stage yet.

If it helps (the ego) any, my story was 8 years to write, out to agents, I received personalized feedback from the agents (which is unusual and means, I was close to acceptance) but the comments were "liked it, didn't love it." I'm back working on a fourth edit to push it into the "LOVED IT, MUST HAVE IT" catagory. The friend helping me edit now is an industry professional (although retired) and is giving me really wonderful feedback on where I can improve it. Keep working on it.

Generally, though punch up your verbs. Consider how you order the information you give us. Amy is helping the bad guy in this story??? Gordon sounds like a bad guy because of the "inhumane" aspect. You need to clarify who the antagonist is.

quote:

---

Amy Madison's body is atrophying from a genetic defect. Desprate to save her, her parents created the Generic Alteration and Mutation Association ("GAMA"). GAMA's lead scientist, Dr. James Gandon, devises a radical cell augmentation treatment for her. It works. Too well. After the operation, Amy can absorb and unleash lightening. Unable to control her new powers, Amy incinerates her parents with a touch.

---

Is my version more compelling? Maybe. It is certainly condensed and less cluttered and now you have another paragraph to hit me with the conflict that drives the story.

Does Amy discover Gordon is really the monster and not the Resistance fighters?

quote:

---

pillow-fight-starting Force

---

Please tell me that was a typo. The Force , which immediately had Star Wars connotations, starts PILLOW FIGHTS? What is it? A teenaged girl at a sleep over?

Hmm, I don't know how to seperate it from X-men any more than it already is -- in X-men, the powers are radical (flying, explosions, etc)....in this, the powers are limited (keen eyesight due to enlarged pupils....but that means that daylight is painful)....The main difference, which is in the query, is that in X-men (and Heroes, etc) they are just 'special' and 'born' with the powers....in this, they're genetically altered (and the effects aren't necessarily beneficial, many of the subjects have been so physically altered that their bodies can't function.)

haha, I've already been working on this for 8 years. -_-

I'd suggest deleting Force (and specific references to the rest of the Restistance members unless they interact with Amy in the query) from the query. Your plot seems to revolve around Amy. Focus on her. Focus on her learning Gandon is a bad guy and joining the resistance. What are the stakes? If she defects from Gandon what is likely to happen? If she stays, you need to answer the same question.

Also, the only part of your credentials that matter are the monthly news letter (if it has any significant distribution) and whatever was published in Teen Ink, although it might not be as impressive a credential if it was 20 years ago . School literary magazines don't count because they aren't professional.

Regarding the descriptive blurb, though, I always go with - do what the winners are doing. When is the last time you lined up your last 1/2 dozen favorite books and read the back blurb or the 'just inside the front cover blurb" and did it like they did it? I know it seems hokey to write a commercial for your own stuff, but hey, we're writers - if we can't sell it, who could?

Pull out all the stops and write it like you're the press agent for a little known author who just handed you a book called . . . uh . . . stranger in a strange land?.