posted
Okay, I'm in the process of rewriting this massive project, as I've whined about in other posts, and I'm probably going to go through many iterations, so please bear (er, bare?) with me!
The standard questions... does it hook ya? Also, I've been trying to work on the whole concept of "suspense =/= withholding info" so any comments specific to that issue are greatly appreciated. All other comments will just be given the standard appreciation.
Oh right, and it's a fantasy. ============ It was as if the snow melted to reveal the Ilarian invaders, claimed the goat herder who first spotted them. One day the valley slept under its blanket of white; the next the boots of a hundred red-cloaked soldiers churned the banks of the Yxer to mud. The news seemed to fly north through Kenar on the wings of the migrating thrush. Dread took root in the Valley of Promises as speculation about the soldiers reached a fevered pitch. Many believed the thousand-year prophecy was coming to pass at last.
It was still only a rumor, Gwineth reminded herself as she approached the shrine of Spring. Almost a month had passed since her father-in-law sent the scouts to investigate and she, Kenar's princess and now wife to the valley's heir, should not be so easily frightened by the words of goat herders. Yet she ==============
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 05, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 06, 2007).]
quote: It was as if the snow melted to reveal the Ilarian invaders, [claimed the goat herder[What goatherder talks like that?] who first spotted them.<--Is h talking to someone? If so Quotation Marks, if not, it seems a little like he is.] One day the valley slept under its blanket of white; the next the boots of a hundred red-cloaked soldiers churned the banks of the Yxer to mud. The news [seemed to fly<--Just flew would do.] north through Kenar [on the wings of the migrating thrush.<--though it's poetic, it bogs down the exposition.] Dread took root in the Valley of Promises[,] as speculation about the soldiers reached a fevered pitch. Many believed the thousand-year prophecy was coming to pass at last.[I take it this line prompts your question about withholding/suspence. If so, a simple switch of "the thousand-year prophecy" for "a thousand-year prophecy" would change that. However, you have an even bigger problem: prophecies are very cliche right now. Seems like every story has a Prophesied One orMessiah in the tale now-a-days.]
It was still only a rumor[What was? The invaders?], Gwineth reminded herself as she approached the shrine of Spring. Almost a month had passed since her father-in-law sent the scouts to investigate and she, Kenar's princess [and now wife to the valley's heir<--a little redundant], should not be so easily frightened by the words of goat herders. Yet she could not shake the suspicion threading into her heart that somehow
It's not too bad. A little rearranging, and:
It was still only a rumor, Gwineth reminded herself, as she trod through the snow toward the Shrine of Spring. A goatherder claimed that 100 red-cloaked Ilarian invaders suddenly appeared on the banks of the Yxer. The warriors were renown for their ruthlessness. Dread had spread through the Valley of Promises; whispers of a thousand-year prophecy reached a fever pitch. Worse, the scouts that her father-in-law -- King of Kenar -- had sent to investigate it were nowhere to be found. Though she should not be frightened by the words of a goatherder, she couldn't shake the suspicion that...
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 05, 2007).]
posted
I really like your writing and although I admit true fantasy isn't my genre, I'm worried too much rewriting will take away from the feel of your story. So--and it's just another opinion-- I think you should allow the tone to stay and keep in poetic phrases like the one regarding the migrating thrush. I personally like the style. And I'm okay with the apparent redundancy, b/c I think taking out "and now wife..." might lead us as readers to believe she could be the daughter of the king, not the daughter-in-law, and that the man referred to as her father-in-law is simply looking into the matter of the invaders.
I agree on your needing to specify "it." Otherwise you could be referring to the prophecy *or* the story of the invaders passing through.
posted
IB, ugh, yeah, I hear you about the prophecy... I think I have a different spin on it and it won't be cliche, but it is a problem if it sounds cliche in the opening lines... maybe it would be better not to mention it yet.
BobbieAnne, thanks for your comments. I'm thinking it reads a bit too purple-prosey though.
quote:and she, Kenar's princess [and now wife to the valley's heir<--a little redundant],
I think the feeling of redundancy is actually an artifact of my inability to find the correct terminology, and maybe someone can help me with this. Or maybe I just need to make it clearer. Kenar consists of tribal lords who rule the valleys but are bound by oath to an overlord. So she's princess of Kenar in that she's the sister of the overlord (the queen mother still lives), but she's now married to the heir of the lord of the valley.
I don't want to use the terms "king" or "high king" since they too strongly evoke Western European society. "Overlord" sounds a bit evil. Either way, there are few words for the daughter of the overlord, king, or even chieftan, and it's important for the reader to know her status. I am wondering, though, if the reader needs to know it _now_, or if I can wait until I can clarify some of this...
Anyway, I'd be grateful for anyone's comments on terminology or making this clearer.
posted
Good. I really liked it. For me, the hook was definately there. I would read on. Though, perhaps thats also because I read your other posts and I surmise that this is the love story you were talking about. I love a good romance in a story. I have one little nit. I think the first sentence reads a bit awkward. I would rearrange it just a bit. Also, as to your terminology quandry, what about having Gwenith be called a Dutchess? P.S. Love the title
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quote: I think the feeling of redundancy is actually an artifact of my inability to find the correct terminology[<--LoL. You're a writer.], and maybe someone can help me with this. Or maybe I just need to make it clearer. Kenar consists of tribal lords who rule the valleys but are bound by oath to an overlord. So she's princess of Kenar in that she's the sister of the overlord (the queen mother still lives), but she's now married to the heir of the lord of the valley.<--[ You don't need to expose this all at once, but you need to choose your words carefully.] I don't want to use the terms "king" or "high king" since they too strongly evoke Western European society. "Overlord" sounds a bit evil. Either way, there are few words for the daughter of the overlord, king, or even chieftan, and it's important for the reader to know her status. I am wondering, though, if the reader needs to know it _now_, or if I can wait until I can clarify some of this...
What do you call the Tribal Leaders? If you don't have a name for them, you want to create one. Do a little research on real tribal societies, learn the different types of names they have, then customise the name to your story. If you already have a name for the leaders, the "Overlord"'s title could be derived from that.
I don't need to know every nuance of the hierarchy, I just need to know that the soldiers had been sent to investigate, and only because that worsens her fears (and she knew about it). When in doubt, consider what she's thinking. Example:
Worse yet, scouts were sent to investigate the claim, but none had returned.
If you'd like, email me. I'll help in any way I can.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 06, 2007).]
posted
I really like Inarticulate Babbler's rewrite. I understand your reluctance to use "king" if you are trying to portray a slightly different type of culture, but other than that, the rewritten lines are really strong, IMO.
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posted
Thanks for the comments, guys! Duchess is still a little too western Europey for me... I'll have to think on this, play around with terms as IB suggested. I don't want it to be too contrived, either.
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posted
Good luck finding the right name. I sometimes have this problem: I stretch my imaginitive muscles and get caught up the the flow of the story. Then I have to stop and think through a title / religion / country name. It brings me to a dead-halt. A pice of advice: Press on with the story, even while you research and decide names. In the end, the story's importance dwarfs that of the detail's.
posted
The term "father-in-law" seems too modern to me. In a fantasy world, I would expect a more generic statement, such as "her husband's father, the arch King of Whatzit..."
I agree with Inarticulate Babbler that the re-arrangement of the intro would be best. The hook is going to be the MC and the crisis she's about to experience. All the other stuff is fluff. We care about people, not history or politics... at least, until we know the people well enough to surmise how the history and politics will affect them.
posted
I feel overwhelmed by the volume and style of the names you lob at me right away. I have to make a conscious effort to sort them out, that's something I don't have a lot of patience with on the first page or two.
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posted
Just joining the thread to add this tidbit - in Robin McKinley's books The Blue Sword and The Hero and the Crown, she refers to something she calls "first sol" and "second sol" (Hero and the Crown is the one I read first and I think where the terms were introduced.) She never *really* explains what they are, but eventually you come to realize they mean something about succession rights to the throne. She does things like "as first sol he would naturally have ABC." or "It wasn't proper for a second sol to do xyz, but Aerin did it anyway."
Totally bogus non-lines, but giving you a rough idea. It trickles, and ultimately we figure out the terms are meaningful even if they aren't explicitly explained (without even a diagram for us visual folks, harumph!) The stories are quite lovely anyway!
Point? Story is king. Tell a good story, describe the relationships in natural ways. Put your characters in the settings and set them in motion. The rest will fall into place.
posted
In Wallachia (Transylvania) in the 15th century, the ruler was a Warlord, also known as the Prince of Wallachia. I like warlord, because it doesn't sound necessarily evil, but it does sound powerful. Would that work? How about sovereign?
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