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Author Topic: 13's part 1 and 2
Reagansgame
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From Reagan's Game, by R. Safley

"The human mind is an incredible industrialist. Evidence of imagination screams from the surface of all that you see, if you just take time to listen. Man's ideas can have very real, and sometimes very grave consequences.

"Once a week, always on Wednesday afternoon, Samuel Kent was led down the cavernous, concrete hallways to the plush and expensively decorated PHD office of Dr. Sheila Marksberry, Greenwich's resident quack. A world of difference from the rest of Greenwich Maximum Security Federal Prison lay just over the theshold of Dr. Marksberry's door. Sam liked and looked forward to his trips there. The dignified glints off of wall plaques announcing her trite accomplishments, degrees and qualifications and the grinning gap-toothed faces of her twin daughters,her husband, and the black and white sheep dog -- these were all threads in a very thin rope that he was still a part of reality. Visiting Dr. Sheila Marksberry provided the only connection Sam could hold on to that the world still exisited outsided the walls of Greenwich.

"On his way to her office, Sam kept his eyes downcast. Some of the other inmates recognized him. Rich murderers didn't get any grace in Greenwich. Though they were no less innocent, those who killed because of odds stacked against them since birth often spat gobs of repugnant phlem through the bars as he passed."


Just throwing this up here 'cos I can. It's already in print. I own "first rights" the book gets pretty decent reviews, and all the critical reviews come from the first part. I hear it's too slow.

And also, because I can, I'll throw up a bit from the sequel. I've tried to jump into the story a little harder, taking the critical analysis from the first and trying to learn from it. Anyhew, if you're still reading, you've come this far anyway, may as well finsih. Feedback very much appreciated. Thanks!

From "Doesn't exactly have a title yet, but is complete and in editing phase" by R. Safley

"Sheila bit into her thumbnail, peeled it across and chewed. The elevator doors opened on the second floor to let in a petite woman and a freckled boy. Sheila jammed the close button with her ragged thumb and went back to biting her nail. She felt the speculation crawling over her from her left and understood why. Professionals don't chew their nails to the quick and wear disheveled clothing. That was for folks with heroin in their backpacks or nitro in the heel of their shoes. Sheila understood why the little woman stepped between her and the freckled boy, she just didn't care.

When the elevator rocked to a stop on the fifth floor, Sheila was out of the doors before they were fully open. She didn’t make eye contact with any of the students in the hall. They may

Note from Kathleen:

Only the author/copyright owner can put up more than 13 lines of their own published work, so I didn't cut the first set of 13 lines up there.

I did, however, cut the unpublished sequel text to 13 lines according to our rules.

By the way, this forum is not the place for posting large chunks of published work. One of the reasons for the 13-line limit is that the Hatrack River Writers Workshop is not a publisher, and we don't want forum space taken up with more than 13-lines of any given story or novel chapter.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 14, 2008).]


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hteadx
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Just going to comment on your story Cos I can.

I can see why you were able to get published. You have a good writng voice. The main difference I can see from your first story and your second story is you didn't vary your narrative distance in the second story. The good thing is we are in a very intimate view of your character, so we can clearly see what she is feeling. The bad thing is we don't get to see the whole scene.

Also is an elevator scene really where the story starts? In your last story you where able to build a background for your story while still moving the story forward. In your second story we have established the state of your character and get a glimpse into her character. However, that could all be established without the elevator scene.

Overall I like the writing, but I don't feel the elevator scene states anything which can't be shown later.


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Reagansgame
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--Kathleen,
I'm sorry. I feel pretty retarded. I thought the first thirteen meant thirteen sentances.---I get it now. Its pretty straight-forward isn't it?

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SolarStone
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Lots of nail biting and no story. Where is the story? The writing is good so I'd keep going for a while longer, but some up-front hint of the conflict would set the hook. If you’re thinking, “Well, if you read just two more lines you’ll know,” I understand, I say that myself, but why not move things up? Also, 'ragged' is superfluous and moves the nail-biting element into the ad nauseum category.
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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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Ah, Reagansgame, don't feel that way.

Just go read the topics in the "Please Read Here First" area.


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