Joylyn Dupree awakened in her right mind for the first time in weeks. She needed to kill Lisa while she had the chance. The imp in Joylyn’s head switched the lights and the coffee maker on as she staggered into the kitchen. So seamless and flawless were an imp’s activities that she, like any other citizen, had long ago stopped noticing its handiwork. She pushed the sweat-matted hair away from her forehead and straightened her damp housecoat. The imp locked-off her left eye into screen mode and cued up the morning news just like any other day, leaving her right eye to its normal sight. “The Good Morning Metrospheres exclusive vid we are about to show you is shocking,” the normally chipper morning host said gravely. Behind him a collage of children’s faces rotated slowly; vid clips of them waving, smiling…alive.
posted
The first paragraph is a powerful start, but it’s a tease. Is she really going to kill Lisa? “while she had the chance” made me think it is more than a passing thought of anger at a friend. You drop this threat and leave it hanging.
I like the imp! Imp for implant? Clever. Took me a while to get it, even though you said “in her head” -- maybe use “implant” on the first use?? (Cause I kept looking around for some kind of brownie-type creature.) Suggest: “Joylyn’s implant switched on the lights and the coffee maker as she…”
If she had stopped noticing the imp’s activities, then why is she noticing them now? That inconsistency pulled me out of the story. “seamless and flawless” <- pick one. I’d drop the whole sentence. Its seamless activity is clear in the remainder. Also drop “just like any other day”. Why would she think that? Lights, coffee pot, morning news… I get it (cool idea). Maybe say, “as if this were a regular day” – something to remind us that she’s been out of commission for weeks and just woke up. Maybe she thinks, “I don’t have time for this!” Or maybe she is just in a fog of wake-up routine, but that doesn’t seem to fit her clarity and urgency in the first paragraph. Sorry, getting carried away…
Need new paragraph for the news dialog.
The last word “alive” seems to imply that she already knows they are dead, unless you are not in strictly character-driven POV. (Sorry, I have a hard time editing for other POV perspectives.)
posted
Joylyn Dupree awakened in her right mind for the first time in weeks. She had to kill Lisa before she missed her chance. The implant in Joylyn’s head switched on the lights and the coffee maker as she staggered into the kitchen. She pushed the sweat-matted hair away from her forehead and straightened her damp housecoat. The imp locked-off her left eye into screen mode and cued up the morning news, leaving her right eye to its normal sight. “The Good Morning Metrospheres exclusive vid we are about to show you is shocking,” the normally chipper morning host said gravely. Behind him a collage of children’s faces rotated slowly; vid clips of them waving, smiling…alive. The headline “Night of Carnage” appeared at the top of the display,
[This message has been edited by SolarStone (edited August 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 14, 2008).]
I don't really have much to suggest. I liked "needed" better than "had" - it created a greater sense of urgency, but it all depends on why she must do this. I'm glad you changed to "switch on" - I hate prepositions that dive into infinity. The "seamless and flawless" line didn't bother me (it seemed that the narrator was giving us a point of reference into this world). However, it flows better without the comment and you should be able to demonstrate the seamlessness and flawlessness of it throughout the novel.
Two small grammar issues: - you need an apostrophe at the end of "Metrophere's" - you need a comma after "Behind him,"
I'd definitely keep reading!
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 14, 2008).]
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SolarStone, your "13 lines" were longer than 13 lines, so I cut them to the right length.
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posted
Ouch. The ruler goes crack across my knuckles. Sorry about going over.
It'd like to post 13 lines from chapter two:
Bureau of Reproductive Normalization (BoRN) Agent Mayumi Satori stood before the hundredth story window of the Metrosphere Police (MetPol) HQ, her left eye filled with vid from a recently completed police interview of a murdering mommy, this one on the west coast. She had the captioning on. It was the fourth interview she’d seen in as many hours, and just like the others, the grief-stricken woman insisted she hadn’t done it, couldn’t possibly have done it, and so forth. She also rambled on about how strange her child had become, just like all the rest had. She stopped short of saying her kid was demon possessed, something the woman from the first vid came right out and said at the start of the interview. With her free-eye Satori watched the streets far below, which were jammed with the lunch-rush crowd...
By the way, that shows up as 14 lines, but I tend to overlook an additional line when I know you're trying to cut things off at 13. (Some browsers -- like Firefox -- show space for an extra line in the reply box.)
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