"Jubilation"

Kandra quickly closed the door and leaned back against it – trying to catch her breath.

“Mirana, the representative from –“

“Shh!” Kandra was cut short by Mirana, about five years her elder, “the dressmaker is here!”

She was standing in front of a tall, skinny man. Kandra had been in a hurry and hadn’t before noticed the spindly old man.

He turned his gravely sunken face toward her and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. Kandra didn’t like him; his smile gave her the shivers.

Ok, well it's kind of hard to get the essence of a story from the first lines, but there they are. The story is about how a small country celebrates their independence, and the Empresss who've lead them.

If you would like to read/critique for me, you can email me at ohanson@fit.edu or post your email for me and I will email you with the rest of the story.

No that this has anything to do with responding to your story. I just thought I'd mention it. Another thing that isn't related to responding to the story; "Empresss who've lead them" should be 'Empresses (if that's a plural, and if not then who've should be who's or who has) who have (there are times when contractions don't help) led (past tense of lead) it (a people can be referred to as "them" but a nation is an "it"--for stylistic reasons you might want to replace "it" with "the people").

Kandra quickly closed the door and leaned back against it – trying to catch her breath.

“Mirana, the representative from –“

“Shh!” Kandra was cut short by Mirana, about five years her elder, “the dressmaker is here!” She was standing in front of a tall, skinny man. Kandra had been in a hurry and hadn’t before noticed the spindly old man. He turned his gravely sunken face toward her and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile. Kandra didn’t like him; his smile gave her shivers.

You can get rid of "quickly" and let "trying to catch her breath" do the work.

Writing "Kandra was cut short by Mirana" just lent to the who's talking/how many girls are there confusion. Better to use a stronger verb. If you put an exclamation point after "Shh," then "the dressmaker" needs to be the start of another sentence.

The way the old man is introduced, I wondered how Kandra could have missed him. You need to intoduce him quicker instead of describing him twice. "Tall, skinny" is too ordinary, but "spindly old" is great. I really liked the "gravely sunken face"--tying graves, sunken (as in the ground), and dour all at once.

"Kandra didn't like him" is better left to be surmised by his smile giving her the shivers. And, because of the "gravely sunken face," the shivers won't be construed to have a pleasant connotation as in shivers of delight. Unless you need to establish a past ongoing relationship, then keep the sentence but add something to allude to the past, like "Kandra had never liked him."

The weak verbs in the last paragraph don't do it justice. However, "sparkly and pretty" are great since the reader is about to learn that Kandra is "just a little girl," and the two words are properly juvenile to introduce her young mindset.

There are, of course, many ways for you to rework this, so this is just one example:

Kandra closed the door and leaned back against it, trying to catch her breath.

"Mirana, the representative from--"

"Shh!" Mirana, about five years her elder, cut Kandra short. "The dressmaker is here!"

In her hurry, Kandra had not noticed the spindly old man standing behind Mirana. He turned his gravely sunken face toward her and the corners of his mouth turned up in a smile that gave Kandra the shivers, until she noticed the dress he held. Crimson and flowing, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty, Kandra thought it the most beautiful dress she had ever seen--even if she was just a little girl. It took her breath away.

All in all, you covered a lot of ground, really, in these few short paragraphs, giving the reader some action to bite into instead of static description. The empresses would be pleased.

(I wish this site did paragraphing.)
(I really have to stop this editing. )

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 20, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 20, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 20, 2002).]

quote:

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Crimson and flowing, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty, Kandra thought it the most beautiful dress she had ever seen--even if she was just a little girl. It took her breath away.

---

Kandra was not crimson and flowing. Let's see...

Crimson and flowing, studded with rubies and diamonds that made the fabric look sparkly and pretty, it took Kandra's breath away. She thought it the most beautiful dress she had ever seen--even if she was only a little girl.