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Author Topic: I'm not happy!
Gwalchmai
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Hi all. These are thirteen lines taken from chapter three of the novel I'm currently working on. I've picked these because they are supposed to express certain actions that are being taken but they don't seem to be doing it very clearly. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

The story so far:

Group of kids on camp, hike in woods, find tunnels, enter tunnels, arrive in other world (damn, this is so stereotypical), trapped, no adults, had meeting, going to attempt return to Earth tonight, in meantime contingency planning. John, the newly-elected leader is organising foraging parties. He is the one doing the cautioning and the sitting in the first sentence (starts halfway through paragraph because of 13 lines). Carl is the big, bad, bullying kid.

quote:
After cautioning them not to roam too far until they knew a bit more about the area, he sat back down with Carl and Jalil. Gerard, who hadn’t been assigned to any of the groups, also came over to sit with them. John had included him because he wanted him to help Jalil take charge tonight while he and Carl were trying the tunnels.

They discussed various plans and ideas a lot quicker and easier now there were only four of them doing the talking. John in particular was struck by how much easier Carl had suddenly become to get along with. Maybe his gesture of making him second-in-command after he had lost the vote had convinced him to accept the situation and helped him realise that he still had a big part to play in helping them decide what to do.



Posts: 156 | Registered: Nov 2003  | Report this post to a Moderator
EricJamesStone
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I think the ambiguous pronouns are the major cause of confusion.

You could try using a little dialogue to separate things out a bit and make them clearer.

quote:
When Gerard began to sit down to join them, Carl said, "What are you doing here?"

John said, "I want him to help Jalil take charge while you and I try the tunnels."



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Christine
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I sort of agree with Eric, although it's more than just the pronouns. This feels like an important scene that you're rushing throug. Take your time and SHOW it to us rather than telling us about it.
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Gwalchmai
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I'm happy again!

Okay, the solution to my problem turned out to be obvious and had been staring me in the face for days but that doesn't matter.

The whole idea of this story is as an exercise in character development. As such, the plotline of them trying to get home is merely a backdrop and of little importance; it is the characters and their actions that matter more. So, naturally, showing rather than telling is what it's all about but I seem to have neglected that rule here and for some reason couldn't get my head around why the passage didn't fit well with the rest of what I'd written.

I agree that the answer is indeed in dialogue. Not only would it give the scene more direct relevance with respect to the characters but it would add a couple of tiny extra details that would help build up a picture of their personalities.

Searching back through what I've written, I have found another section where this could be applied to the same effect. So thanks a lot for the comments, they're appreciated.

I think I'm going to add another smilie just because I can.

[This message has been edited by Gwalchmai (edited February 05, 2004).]


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Survivor
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A job well done, then.
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