posted
Okay...from chapter 1 of my book. This "first 13 lines only" rule is a killer, as the intro is incomplete...but let me know what you think... ***
“You can hold on to something so tight, you’ve already lost it.”
Jack had heard that in a song once. The name of the song escaped him, but those words did not. He was standing on a section of scaffolding overlooking a football field where the school marching band was learning their drill. The sun was searing his flesh and the humidity was stifling his breathing. Soaked with sweat his shorts sagged. He could barely keep them up. That always seemed to happen when it was this hot out, no matter how much he tightened his belt.
posted
continuation...(I guess I thought it was based on manuscript lines...the hard part is the real 'gist' of the SF element comes in much later in the chapter...so I guess I'm really concerned with how it works on it's own merits at this point.):
Maybe it’s time to quit this diet and give up trying to get in shape. She never seems to care anyway. Losing forty pounds in just a couple months should convince any woman that he was serious. But he just couldn’t live up to her standards. Big deal. You’re only losing weight to impress that girl. That’s what she said. You just want your little darling to be happier around you. You get all googly-eyed when you see her. She brought up Reagan several times. The child prodigy. Best marcher they had. Yes, Jack gave that kid a lot of attention, but nothing more than she deserved. Maybe Jack did talk about her too much. Maybe there was something more than simple admiration. But he didn’t look at her in the manner Gloria suggested.
posted
The only thing that caught me was passive voice. Not sure of the effect you were looking for, but it seemed to slow the whole thing down a bit. A couple of exmples:
"He was standing on a section of scaffolding overlooking a football field where the school marching band was learning their drill."
Could be:
"He stood on a section....where the school marching band drilled (or practiced, etc.)"
"The sun was searing his flesh and the humidity was stifling his breathing."
Could be:
"The sun seared his flesh and the humidity stifled his breathing."
May give it a little more immediacy (is that a word?? =) to change to a more direct action style rather than passive.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
