posted
So, some background. This is a sci-fi short story, that I cut down from my first novel. The novel had irredeemable plot problems (including, but not limited to polymorph winged cats in sci-fi. Yikes.), but I liked the characters and the general premise. The process of cutting it down helped me define what I liked about the story as well as getting rid of the major plot problems. I've just pulled the short story back out and think that I need to expand it back to novel form. At any rate, if it stays as a short story, I think I have too many plot elements or am just handling them awkwardly. I'm posting the first thirteen lines, and would like feedback in any form. If you are willing to read the whole, 7525 words, and offer opinions on general direction I would welcome that too.
(Edited based on comments) --- "Revealed"
Rohanir looked between the window and the file photo on the viewscreen, comparing the sky on her own planet, Telba, with the sky on Earth.
She shook her head in wonder. “Their sky is so blue.”
This was not what she was supposed to be doing, but the rich blue of the sky in the photo had caught her attention. It was so unlike the pale eggshell that hung outside on Telba.
Her gaze drifted down the screen to the human turning a pot in the foreground. Silhouetted against the sky, it was easy to imagine that he was telban. The few subtle differences between the species vanished in the backlight. Though Rohanir knew that this man was a primitive version of her, he still seemed strangely natural.
She was about to move further into the file when Kassan arrived. Her awareness shifted from the screen to her husband’s entry, even as she pretended to work.
“Roha?”
“I’m in the study.”
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 14, 2004).]
posted
Just curious, Survivor, but what did you mean by "smell is one of the oldest senses"?
Sounds like you have a good start going. Just a nitpick, but mabye you could open it with '“Their sky is so blue.”'. Its porbably just a style issue, since I like opening my stories with dialouge, or at least spoken word.
posted
Actually, Eric, beginning with dialogue is typically considered poor form. I'm not saying it can't work, but having someone speak before you know who is talking, where we are, or absolutely ANYTHING at all, is not considered to be the best idea. Like I said, it has it's uses and can work, but something to shy away from.
I thought Survivor's comment was pretty self explanatory. Do you have a cat or a dog? I'm watching my cat right now, he's exploringa nd hunting, and you know what? He goes nose first. When you approach a cat, you should offer your hand first for them to smell it, because that's how they identify you. Cats are not typically seen to be as highly evolved as humans, but their sense of smell is far better and much more a part of them. It would be worse for a cat to lose their sense of smell than their eyesight. Humans, as the most highly evolved animal on the planet, seem to have lost their sense of smell somewhere along the line. That's not to say that a different species on a different planet might not have lost their sense of smell, but it's not a bad observation to make that smell is an old sense, not one that would be more highly developed in an advanced species.
What sound does a tht make, exactly? I'm having trouble prnouncing your main character's name.
The first paragraph, to me, goes the wrong direction. I find I don't really care what she was supposed to be doing, I'm far more interested in the differences between her planet and earth, and I think you should go with that.
I am really confused by the line "Not like the pal eggshell that hung outside..." I thought she was on earth, looking up at the sky, and commenting that it is blue. Then you say there is a pale eggshell sort of color outside and I'm just not sure what you mean.
When you introduce Kassan, a word or two describing their relationship would help. Nothing big just something like "her mate, Kassan, arrived" or "her brother, Kassan, arrived" you see that I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this man.
posted
Oh yeah! And go ahead and send me the story...but just to warn you I'm heading out of town this evening for the weekend and I've got a busy week, so if it's something like a week to a week and a half before I can read your story, don't be upset. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I think there's a difference between opening with give-and-take dialogue as opposed to opening with a line of dialogue. More than likely, it's the former that is advised against, but even that doesn't make it an absolute no-no.
I'm with Eric. Starting with that one line of dialogue, then going into the "Kalithtan looked..." reads more stylistically pleasing. To cement the POV, though, I'd add 'She knew' to "this was not...."
A little confusion for me, too, about the eggshell hanging outside. If it's only the sky above Kalithtan, rather than the Earth, specify 'the pale eggshell hue' or 'haze' or something.
If you're not in a hurry, you can send it here, too.
posted
It's amazing how putting your work out for other people to look at suddenly makes the flaws more apparent to your own eyes. Let me pound on this a little, and send it off to you lucky volunteers sometime next week.
The "tht" sound comes at a syllable break so it would be "Ka-lith-tan" but I should change her name or Kassan's. Looking here, I'm suddenly aware that I started both names with a 'K' and end them both with 'an'. Surely an OSC no-no. And the freakin' planet starts with a 'K' too! Oy.
Smell - in the story, farther in, one of the plot points is that the kelbans are an engineered race, created from human stock. All of their senses were heightened. BUT, this may not be the place to start introducing that. Actually, come to think of it, there's nothing in the story as it stands now that depends on her having a heightened sense of smell. Cut it?
The paragraph about what Kali was supposed to be doing is actually masking some exposition that I need later. I'll look to see if I can fit it somewhere else.
Thanks, you've given me much food for thought.
Mary
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 14, 2004).]
posted
Well, I decided to just change her name. Besides getting rid of all those darn 'K's and easing pronounciation (I hope) it'll help loosen my ties to the older version of this story. I've reworked the beginning; is it better?
quote:Smell - in the story, farther in, one of the plot points is that the kelbans are an engineered race, created from human stock. All of their senses were heightened. BUT, this may not be the place to start introducing that. Actually, come to think of it, there's nothing in the story as it stands now that depends on her having a heightened sense of smell. Cut it?
Absolutely.
OSC has said that if you can get rid of something without changing the story in any significant way, then you should get rid of it. Only the things that really deserve and need to be in the story should be included.
Especially in short stories. In novels, you can throw in things for "color" and so on, but in a short story, everything in there has to have at least one very good reason for being there (and most things should have more than one good reason).
(Poe also said such stuff, by the way.)
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 14, 2004).]
posted
With the excellent advice to cut it if it isn't important I sat down and wrote a rough synopsis of what happens hoping to identify the parts of the story that don't belong. I'm curious about other reactions. I managed to get it down to 16 lines and I think it still makes sense. (I couldn't hit 13, but I tried.) This means that I touch the major plot points, but it's not something that would be suitable for publisher's eyes. :-) Seriously, can you all flag the things in this that seem like they are in the wrong story? If not, well, it was worth a try.
Mary
--- ROHANIR is working on her thesis about Earth. Her husband, KASSAN is asked to infiltrate a group called the First People Movement (FPM) who want to Reveal Telba’s existance to Earth. Her sister, AURIELLE, receives an assignment to Earth. Two years later. Rohanir is increasingly bitter about Earth because of Kassan’s continued absence. She finds out that Aurielle is in love with a human, TOM. This becomes the focus of all of Rohanir’s frustration and hate. On Earth, Aurielle gets hit by a car. Rohanir goes reluctantly and meets Tom, discovering that Aurielle has Revealed to Tom without permission. Rohanir opens a blocked set of memories in Tom’s mind, reliving the day when Aurielle told him that she wasn’t human, and that telbans had been engineered from human stock thousands of years ago. Despite Rohanir’s dislike of him, she needs his help to Heal Aurielle. After healing Aurielle, Rohanir realizes that Aurielle has joined FPM. Aurielle’s knowledge of Kassan means that his life is in danger. Rohanir leaves the room, furious. Tom then asks Aurielle to restore all of his memories, upset that their relationship is built on a lie. She does and they come to an uneasy understanding. Aurielle asks Rohanir for forgiveness and is told to ask again when Kassan comes home. Rohanir arrives home, where Kassan is waiting for her, safe.
posted
This story--as summarized here--has no ending.
I'll let you know whether that holds true for the text itself, but the lack of an ending may be the reason you've having trouble.
It is the ending of the story that determines whether anything in the story "fits". Anything that doesn't advance the story should be cut. "To advance the story" means "to move towards the end of the story." If you don't have an end, then nothing can advance the story because there is no end towards which you can have motion.
As I said, I'll let you know more after reading the current text.
posted
So, Survivor and Kolona both think that I lack a proper ending and that it reads like part of a novel. Which is how it started, so I guess I should go back to that. The ending that I have now is a modified leftover from the original, but I don't setup the conflict that made it work. Thank you for helping me see past my blind spots.
Yours, Mary
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 17, 2004).]
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